Keep it wet, keep it clean, keep it fun.
One of life’s best natural highs is the thrill, passion and excitement of having a new partner. The conversation is endless, the connection you both feel is intense and the sex… Well let’s be totally honest, it’s hotter than hell! So, if you could reignite that honeymoon spark with your long term partner, why wouldn’t you do it?
Now, according to Graeme Sudholtz, a former Aussie farmer turned relationship and sex therapist and co-owner of Oztantra, “As you get older sex goes from a V8 automatic to a 4 speed manual, but it gets better!” His charming and equally skilled partner in life and in business, Annette Baulch, smiled and nodded in agreement.
I recently had the opportunity and privilege to sit down with this knowledgeable couple of holistic therapists to discuss love, life, relationships and of course sex. It was an entertaining and eye opening half hour, which left me wanting to book an appointment to go back for more!
They offer individual sessions, couples therapy and retreats, Skype appointments and more. Teaching individuals and couples about their sexuality, how to improve quality and quantity in their sex life, how to reignite the intimacy and connection in relationships and having longer lasting sex, are just a few of the topics we discussed. If you want more from your sex life and relationship, I’d highly recommend these two very down to earth, life and fun loving professionals.
They’re relaxed natures and ease in discussing relationships and sex would make even the coyest of people comfortable and they were kind enough to offer SHESAID tips on any upcoming relationship or sex related articles. Tips from the sexperts guys… Thank you Oztantra!
So, now you know where our info is coming from, lets get into Annette’s top 10 tips for reigniting that honeymoon spark:
1. Remember how to feel – The most common reason relationships go stale is that we shut down emotionally from each other. Make your feelings ok, remembering if you can’t feel yourself, you wont feel someone else.
2. Feeling mistakes – Don’t assume that the man is not feeling just because he may not talk about them or uses different language in talking about it. Men do feel, they just have less permission to show it. And women, don’t assume you ARE, check that you’re actually feeling your feelings in your body rather than thinking your feelings.
3. Be willing to be vulnerable – Being vulnerable is how we are able to connect with another and invite our partner into our world, which can be scary! Consequences of not doing this will ultimately lead to the loss of the relationship. Actively choosing to go there is far less scary.
4. Sleep together naked – Our skin is the largest organ in the body and is longing to be nurtured. As adults we are often touch-hungry, especially for touch that has no agenda to it. Relax and snuggle.
5. Honour yourself – We don’t realise how much we dampen our spirit by the hundreds of negative judgments we make about ourselves. Offer honest appreciation daily.
6. Bring love back into sex – Sex becomes boring and hard work when we let love run out and start performing instead. In sex, seek to connect rather than stimulate. Go slowly, connect eyes and breathe.
7. See each other clearly – Take the time to really listen to what they are saying (like you used to do) and get to know a whole new person.
8. Remove your exits – Long-term relationships can get leaky, where we drain energy away from the relationship. This can result in the ‘invisible divorce’. Too much TV, work, talking with friends, focusing on the kids, porn – all of these factors can negatively effect our relationships.
9. Plan a sex date – Set up a regular time to be sexual. Set the date and time (not late at night). You have other essential appointments, why not make sex one of them? Send texts in the lead-up. Ask your partner what they want, enjoy it with them if it feels ok for you. Vary it so you both get to share.
10. Spend quality time on your own – Sometimes couples can get enmeshed and lose the sense of a unique identity, which is what attracted you in the first place. It is healthy to have some time out on your own now and again.
If you want that honeymoon spark back or would like to find out more, speak to Annette and Graeme from Oztantra. Plus, we will have plenty more Oztantra tips and information coming up on SHESAID.
Image via oztantra.com
When was the last time you had an earth-shatteringly good orgasm – the kind that gave you good bed hair; an all-day glow; and which may have scared the neighbours?
Like our own personal happiness, we all need to take responsibility for our sexual enjoyment – the onus is on you, not your partner, to truly learn what blows your hair back. So, how do we maximise our personal pleasure?
Sydney sexologist, Dr Michelle Mars (pictured), who specialises in the sociology of sex gender and sexual well-being, says there are fast and easy steps we can all take to get in the mood for hot sex.
- Heighten your awareness
We’re surrounded by sex all day, every day, in advertising, TV and multimedia, but how do we become more attuned to our turn-ons? “Once you are attuned to your own turn-ons, it becomes easier to discern what you really like, and in my experience, the scope of what you really like broadens,” Dr Mars says.
“Anything you see, read, or think about that is outside of what you think is okay, or what you would do, or that you think is a little risque is likely to be a turn-on. It has to be not too far over the borders, but just far enough to make you feel a little naughty/dirty/wrong. For example, nudity is a bit ho-hum for me, but if I get a glimpse of nakedness in a fashion magazine it often gives be a little sexual buzz.” Learn your sweet spots so you can go there quickly in your head.
- Practice makes perfect
Do you look and feel best in a gorgeous LBD and heels? Or does wearing super-sexy lingerie make you feel aroused? Find out what it is that makes you feel like a wanton sex goddess and buy it in every colour (okay, maybe not quite). By practising the art of feeling sexy, you’ll elevate your chances of hot sex. “Dress up in front of the mirror and find something you feel sexy in and you know looks good and keep it handy and slip it on when you want to have a good time, but you’re not quite in the mood,” Dr Mars says.
- Explore your horizons
The pursuit of great personal pleasure is a great excuse to learn new skills. Think you’re a sex ninja in the bedroom? Think again, says Dr Mars – we can all become better-skilled lovers, she says. “Go see someone like me and learn how to change the way your body works and the way you think about sex, learn a new skill,” Dr Mars says. “Or leave dumb Fifty Shades of Grey ideas about BDSM behind and learn how to spank someone so they like it.” You can also try a new technique in the bedroom to rock both yours and your partner’s socks off: if you’re usually passive, take charge, for example.
- Are you being served?
Do you and your partner need a change of pace, or what about a change of scene? Hot hotel sex could be just the ticket! There, you can role play; try something new – hello couples’ sex toys; or just bloodywell take some much-needed time out with your partner, sans kids, to enjoy each other’s company and engage in some wild sex! “Hotel sex is a great way to get in the mood for hot sex,” Dr Mars advises. “Plan it, spoil yourselves, buy each other a sexy present and drink champagne, although not too much!”
- Laughter is the best medicine
When did life get so serious? Remind yourselves of the carefree life you lived before kids and have sex in the great outdoors; go on a picnic, or watch a funny movie together. Laugh like a drain with your significant other and have good, old-fashioned fun and silly sex and you’ll both feel a damn sight happier for it. “Have a laugh; most of the time we’re way too serious,” Dr Mars says. “And, like anything, sex is much better if you’re relaxed.”
NB dear reader: Dr Mars is also quick to point out it’s vital to learn how to say no and take charge of sex if you stop enjoying it. In addition, never feel pressured to have sex or do it against your will – your body is your own sacred place, not someone else’s. Just say no.
It was an ex-boyfriend’s insatiable love of watching both Sex And The City DVDs and former Australian professional racing cyclist Cadel Evans in tiny, sweaty lycra shorts during the Tour de France for hours on end which first rang alarm bells in my head.
Was I, in fact, dating a gay man, or a bi-curious one at that? I’d dated stranger, I told myself, and endeavoured to have an open mind when it came to the very handsome and very fit, body-obsessed and bathroom-hogging, new boyfriend whom I’d been dating for a month or so several years back. Perhaps he was just very metrosexual? And gender roles were becoming increasingly blurred, these days, I consoled myself.
My gay friends, of course, happily claimed him as one of their own – was my gay-dar that far off? Meanwhile, best girlfriends I’d roped in to meet “new guy” were as equally flummoxed as me. We were having sex, and lots of it, so he couldn’t possibly be gay, right? Wrong. My gay posse ala Sex and the City (pictured) were all over it, even though I didn’t want to believe it at first.
Ah the beauty of hindsight: sure, there were other tell-tale signs, such as his extreme love of fashion and beauty (a gay stereotype if there ever was one); but ultimately it was this ex-boyfriend’s shocking reveal at my home one day which convinced me he truly was batting for the other team. Imagine my dismay, when said man appeared on my doorstep, ready to collect me for another date (did I mention he also really loved shopping?) and quickly dropped his trousers, proudly presenting me with his new crack, back ‘n’ sack waxing treatment he’d just had done. The horror!
Now, I am fully aware it’s common practice for both straight and gay men to indulge in the full-wax thing these days, but in my experience at least, it’s not something a lot of Gen-X straight men are into – and that’s my generation, baby. A best friend, who wishes to remain anonymous, strongly disagrees with me on this point, but she recently moved from Sydney to Brisbane, and spent all her singleton time in the former city, so I say she’s at least wrong re: heteros’ pubic hair habits in the sunshine state, where I’m based.
And to this day, I still don’t know what impression I ever gave said ex that that was something I’d love. For the record, I like a manly man with furry bits! And my face must have given away my utter dismay, for he exclaimed: “Don’t you like my present?” Present?! All I could do was think at the time: “Oh honey, that’s not really for me.” And so we finally had the awkward chat about his obvious gayness, to which he reluctantly confessed, and we split amicably. And thankfully, just as I myself was about to swear off the opposite sex, I met my very manly and straight, future husband not long after that.
Have you ever dated a gay or a bi-curious man too, ladies? It’s an increasingly common social phenomenon according to Sydney sexologist, Dr Michelle Mars (pictured), who specialises in the sociology of sex gender and sexual well-being.
“Why are we becoming more bisexual? Perhaps we are just owning it more, or perhaps we are having more opportunity to play with sex and identity,” Dr Mars says. “If I had a dollar for every time anyone said ‘I’m not out at work’ to me I would be rich.
“I 100 per cent guarantee you that you know people who are gay, kinky, queer… And that you don’t know it. People who like sex and have a lot of sex are more likely to experiment with bisexuality. Pan-sexual is a good, encompassing term. It’s about being kinky, gay, bi, queer… It generally means someone who is sexually adventurous and is willing to give new things a go.”
So, why do gay men sometimes have lots of straight sex, I asked the good doctor – why bother? “Gay men sometimes have sex with women; I have gay friends who were once married, I am saying gay deliberately here as they are as far from bisexual as you can get,” Dr Mars says. “One says of his marriage, ‘The sex was okay, but men get me up quicker’, while the other just likes having sex and if there happens to be a woman involved, that’s okay too.
“Sometimes gay men date women because they haven’t yet realised they are gay or because they are gay and they want to have a family, or because there is a level of internalised homophobia that makes it not okay for them to express their gayness or to claim a gay identity.
“And often gay men have sex with women because they are curious about what it’s about. They might want to try strap-on sex or something else the woman is good at that they haven’t tried before, or they might meet a couple and be attracted to the man and end up having sex with both of them.
“I like the Robbie Williams’ song Swings Both Ways, with the lyrics:
‘Everybody swings both ways…
And after I’ve done her
Well you can do me
Dr Mars says recent research she did with Australia’s largest adult dating site, Adult Match Maker, which attracted more than 7600 Australian anonymous respondents, revealed that even people who aren’t interested in having sex with someone who is of a different gender to their normal partner would do it if their partner asked them to.
“As sexual identity categories soften and become more flexible, people are more likely to have a variety of different kinds of sex,” Dr Mars explains. “A gay man can have sex with a woman and still be gay. I can have sex with a gay man and it’s not heterosexual sex.
“Sex is a skill and it’s good to have sex with people who have excellent sexual prowess. After all, we learn the most about sex when we are having the best sex.”
What do you think? Have you ever dated a gay man?
Images via Huffington Post, Salon, Baller Alert
Have you ever suffered a great sexual misadventure, equal parts hilarious and embarrassing? Let’s face it, sex can be pretty funny – and, at its best, it can be fun, spontaneous, messy, passionate and pleasurable.
One of the greatest sexual mishaps I’ve ever heard of (but not personally encountered, thank God) is the friend-of-a-friend who once hit her head on a ceiling fan, mid sex-romp, suffering a minor, and not-so-funny, bloody head injury in the process. Her lover was very tall, you see, and obviously was so caught up in the moment and/or executed poor judgement in hoisting her up straight into a ceiling fan. Fail!
As for me, the sheer absurdity of finding Lego wedged in my hair recently, after my beloved husband and I were taken by the mood in the family living area – long after our cute, pesky toddlers were sound asleep – brought home to me the good, silly, funny side of sex and why it’s important in a long-term relationship.
Other hilarious and deeply cringe-worthy sexual misadventures I’ve heard of include: a flying, strap-on dildo-in-the-eye accident which caused a very unfortunate and painful black eye; a male friend accidently massaging Deep Heat into his poor female partner’s genitals; and oral sex gone hideously wrong when a woman attempted to suck on her lover’s penis shortly after chewing three Fisherman’s Friend lozenges. Yikes! Said poor man then ran off in horror and never came back which certainly makes for a very funny, if unfortunate story.
And this is key: you can tell a lot about a person by their response to humorous situations, including sexual mishaps. Sure, some sexual misadventures are incredibly embarrassing, especially if you don’t know your partner very well – no arguments there – but the ability to laugh at ourselves and others in a good-natured way is a very attractive personality trait. What’s more, in this great adventure called life, you want to walk the path with someone special with whom you can enjoy a good belly laugh, right?
So, why do we make the mistake of taking sex too seriously? And why is good humour such a fundamentally important part of a healthy and happy long-term sexual relationship? For answers, I turned to my good contact, the equally hilarious and learned Sydney sexologist, Dr Michelle Mars (pictured), who specialises in the sociology of sex gender and sexual well-being.
“Sex, an act of simple pleasure becomes a serious and contentious issue for many reasons,” Dr Mars says, “In society today, sex stands for so much. It is often the primary marker of identity – whether gay, straight, trans, married or divorced.
“These parts of identity are often tied to social standing and we often hold onto relationships well beyond their use-by-date in order to preserve our sense of self. In the process, sex becomes a serious business.
“Desire naturally changes over our life spans and ebbs and flows in the course of long-term relationships. We may no longer be attracted to our partners; become bi-curious; have children; experience work stress; suffer the death of a loved one; become sick; or just stop having sex. As a result, desire and ability to give and experience pleasure diminishes and sex becomes a humourless business. Mismatched desire, low-libido, cheating, sexual frustration and a raft of other serious issues may ensue.”
So, if we need to inject some good, old-fashioned fun and spontaneity back into our sex lives, how do we go about this? NB: Dr Mars says while funny, sexual mishaps (pictured above, ouch!) are not always the answer.
“Sex accidents can be serious and funny, more commonly serious at the time and funny in retrospect,” she says. “The person at accident and emergency waiting for the vibrator to finish buzzing so the surgeon can remove it probably stopped laughing when it began to make its way unbidden up their anus.
“Light-heartedness in general is important; not taking things too seriously. Learning to laugh when bad things happen and moving on from mistakes enhances sex as it does other aspects of your life. A bit of humour can also be used to initiate sex and to bring a sex session that is not going so well to a close.
“Laughing brings some colour to your cheeks, just like a good orgasm. Going to bed after a good laugh is going to be more conducive to sex than watching the news! A lot of porn is quite funny, too. So, I would suggest finding a spoof of your favourite movie Edward Penishands, for example, and deciding for yourself if humour enhances sex.”
A good belly laugh plus pleasurable sex romp with your significant other is never a bad thing; go well, ladies!
What do you think? Have you ever suffered a great sexual misadventure?
Images via someecards.com, lockerdome.com, gbaglobal.com
Do you need a hand at work? Up to 25 per cent of women who responded to a recent sex study confessed to masturbating while on the job.
The Under the Covers Sex Survey, recently commissioned by Australia’s largest adult dating site, Adult Match Maker, attracted more than 7600 Australian anonymous respondents.
Developed by Sydney sexologist, Dr Michelle Mars (pictured), who specialises in the sociology of sex gender and sexual well-being, AMM’s inaugural sex survey was aimed at shedding light on what blows our hair back both in and out of the bedroom.
I can honestly say masturbating at work has never appealed to me, partly because I spent a large portion of my corporate life so stressed out on the job at a media giant, my hair was falling out. So, what are the benefits of masturbating at work? And would it have helped me de-stress?
Dr Mars says a resounding yes! Well, May is International Masturbation Month, after all. “A quick flick of the bean is revitalising, lifts your spirits and puts a smile on your face. Yay for May, celebration month!” she says.
“Our statistics show no significant differences when it comes to masturbating in private; with a partner (women 79 per cent, men 76 per cent), a friend (women 34 per cent, men 27 per cent) or with someone on the internet (women 49 per cent, men 47 per cent),” she says.
“But when things become a little less private it seems men are more adventurous than women with 38 per cent of men saying they masturbate at work compared to only 25 per cent of women.
“I think men are more likely to take the risk that others might know they popped out for a quick wank because men’s sexuality is more socially acceptable than women’s, made so through myths that men have higher sex drives and irresistible needs. Today, we know this is no longer the case, but the myth prevails.”
AMM’s survey shows women’s top five sexual fantasies are, in order: straight sex; multiple partners; sex toys; kinky sex and bisexual sex.
And when it comes to masturbation habits, women are less likely to masturbate than men, but more likely to masturbate once a week than men. Why is this so?
“Personally, I don’t think it has anything to do with desire, I think it’s about where we are comfortable masturbating, or even the fact that most women use a vibrator and even the little ones are noisy,” Dr Mars says.
“Sometimes, there is nothing more refreshing than reaching for your vibrator and having a quick wank. However, a good way of getting to know yourself sexually is to let go of the pursuit of the orgasm and really take some time to get into the moment, getting to your own feelings and pleasures. And exploring sexual fantasies and porn are good too.”
Interestingly, Dr Mars says masturbation is important for a happy marriage and spicy sex life. “We can get into very ‘efficient’ habits in a marriage: ‘You do this, I do that, we both like it, you come, I come. Thank you very much, would you like a cup of tea?’” she quips. “This is fabulous, nothing wrong with it! But, sometimes we get bored, or we feel like we want something more, or it stops turning us on. This can be one of the reasons for that passion-killer known as mismatched libido.
“It’s tempting to blame the other person, but it takes two to tango and upping your own sexual energy helps you to assert yourself sexually and take control of the situation. Also, if you start to masturbate regularly then it is highly likely that you will think about sex more, gradually start desiring sex more and having sex more.”
So, should we hide our self-pleasuring from our partners or invite them to join in? It’s both, says the good doctor.
“We should strive to include our partners and join in when they do it and ask for some privacy so we can experiment without pressure – this is especially important when life is busy,” she says.
“In the Adult Match Maker survey I asked if people always masturbated alone. Up to 45 per cent of women said yes and 55 per cent said no. So, if you are one of those sharing with someone else, this is definitely going to expand your sexual horizons.”
Images via Huffington Post and News.com.au
Ladies, it’s time to “flick the bean”; May is International Masturbation Month. In addition, International Masturbation Day is also keenly observed all around the globe on varying days during May.
So, why is it so good for you to help yourself? Masturbation is normal, natural, healthy and highly enjoyable. What’s more, its health benefits are well-documented; for your mind, body and spirit.
I’ve read of highly stressed writers, for example, producing absolute gold ‘only after masturbating (er, this doesn’t work in an open plan office). And this isn’t unusual; you see, “flicking the bean” reduces stress and PMS and is even said to help combat chronic back pain. Indeed, it’s an act of self-love and self-care which will release a flood of happy endorphins, help you sleep better and strengthen your all-important pelvic floor muscles, which will, in turn, only boost your sexual enjoyment.
Then there’s the significant benefits that self-pleasure can bring to your sex life, says Sydney sexologist, Dr Michelle Mars (pictured), who specialises in the sociology of sex gender and sexual well-being.
Dr Mars, who is a guest at the Future of Sex Forum in Sydney on May 6, also recently set up private practice, where’s she finding masturbation to be a hot topic among some clients. What’s more, she says women’s self-pleasure is still seriously frowned upon among certain sections of the community.
“Masturbation is still taboo for women; it’s much more socially acceptable for men than women, I think. Men are allowed to have these sex drives that are claimed to compel them to do things that are beyond their control, whereas women are still supposed to have the moral high ground and have control over their sexual urges,” Dr Mars says.
“And that’s a really archaic view; the whole idea that women don’t have strong sexual desires like men is something I totally disagree with. We should definitely be encouraging young girls and women to explore their sexuality themselves because if you don’t know what turns you on, how can you tell somebody else and this then puts undue pressure on your partner.
“At the turn of the century, they realised that women’s ‘hysteria’ could be cured with an orgasm. Hysteria was another name for stress, anxiety or PMS – all those things which come naturally in life – and if a woman exhibited these symptoms, scientists and doctors were quick to prescribe an orgasm, but it was called ‘the job which no one wanted’.
“Not everyone can stimulate a woman to orgasm, not all men know how to do it, plus if someone’s stressed out, it can take a while to relax them in that way and get them to orgasm as well, so it could take up to half an hour. And that’s where the invention of vibrators came from.
“With my clients sometimes, I talk to them about the fact that in psychology they refer to masturbation as a form of ‘self-soothing’. Masturbation is something we all need to learn; a lot of us aren’t that good at it either, we have saggy pelvic floor muscles which don’t aid the whole process.”
So, how do we get masturbation-fit? Is it just about doing those damn pelvic floor exercises? “It’s about doing kegel work, yes, but there’s more to it than that too,” Dr Mars says.
“You should be able to tell the difference between a whole lot of muscles. If you think about the fact that the vagina and the anus are both O-shaped muscles – and think about all the different expressions you can make with your mouth – most people can’t tell the difference between left of anus, right of anus, front of anus, back of anus; pulling up their pelvic floor; or tensing up their vagina; or their penis and testicles at the front, so we’re actually mostly quite lazy with what we can do with those muscles.
“You have to be pretty fit and have really good control of your core/stomach muscles to be able to have good control of your pelvic floor muscles at all. I spend a lot of time in the first couple of weeks with a new client explaining to them how you can train those muscles to get a lot more out of them. It helps people have better sex; have more control of their orgasms and for men it helps them to learn how to orgasm without ejaculating.”
If you’ve never masturbated before, Dr Mars says it’s time to seek counselling to overcome whatever psychological trauma’s preventing you from doing so. “I’m also quite happy to teach people to masturbate, if they’re serious about it; I will start off quite gently, talking about getting a really little vibrator – the little bullet-sized ones are the ones I usually tell people to go and try because they’re very effective and direct,” she says.
Dr Mars’s other top tip is to seriously relax, ladies. “When people are trying to orgasm and they can’t, they often stress up and tighten up too much and then they keep trying and trying and trying and then they give up because they’re kind of exhausted. So it’s important to tense up and then relax.”
So, ladies, light some candles, slip into something comfortable, have a glass of wine – maybe even seek some inspiration from the awesome foursome on Sex and the City, such as sexy Samantha (pictured), who quips in one episode: “I masturbated all afternoon” – and go forth and enjoy yourselves. Or, as Dr Mars quips: “Set aside some ‘me time’ to wank.”
“Say: ‘Don’t disturb me. I’m having some me time!’” she says. “Just remember, if you’re really tired and stressed out, it takes longer. But if you can actually masturbate to orgasm, you’ll feel better from the stress-relief.
“But you don’t always have to masturbate to orgasm and sometimes, if you haven’t masturbated before and you don’t orgasm easily, the fact that you haven’t masturbated to orgasm isn’t a failure. It’s just practise; and if you practise anything enough times, you’ll have a good result.
“If you take the pressure off yourself when you’re masturbating to achieve an orgasm, and just appreciate the fact that you’ve actually taken the time to stimulate yourself and have a little bit of sexual pleasure, you won’t feel like a failure – especially if you’re busy and tired and you’ve got young kids, your sex life can go out the window. It’s really hard to orgasm when you’re exhausted.”
Meanwhile, Adult Match Maker spokeswoman Pauline Moran (pictured) says International Masturbation Month is a great initiative because it takes the shame out of self-pleasure.
Adult Match Maker – Australia’s largest online adult dating site – is celebrating the occasion by pointing to an event on its Facebook page. “Masturbation Month gives people permission to talk about self-love and helps remove the stigma which is sometimes attached to what should be a very natural and healthy activity,” Pauline says.
“Masturbation should be part of everyone’s sex life. It’s one of those taboo topics that people don’t always talk about, because heaven forbid our friends should think we’re not completely shagged out by our partner.
“Sex and the City was really the ground breaker because millions of women worldwide watched Charlotte’s Rabbit Vibrator become even more coveted than Carrie’s Manolos. This one episode made a taboo subject acceptable lunch conversation!”
And Pauline agrees that research conclusively shows masturbation boosts our mental, emotional and physical health. “Masturbation is important for a number of reasons,” she says.
“Research shows that people who masturbate regularly generally have happier marriages and lives. And let’s face it, if you know what turns you on then you can share those techniques with your partner/s and improve your sex life overall. And, other than a little chafing, there are no known side effects. We think everyone should get on-board and show themselves some love throughout May.”
So, there you have it ladies, all the handy hints – pardon the pun – you’ll ever need for masturbation 101.
What do you think? Is masturbation still taboo for women?
Images via healthmeup.com, 21stcenturygossip.wordpress.com and stepupyoursexlife.com
Erotic erogenous zones are particular places on the body which ultimately make our toes curl. Many articles cite either male or female erotic erogenous zones but knowing both is essential for satisfying love making.
You should know your own so you can direct a lover and in return have a much better sexual experience. Plus to be a better lover you’ll also need knowledge of where their hot spots are. That makes sense yeah? We all want a much better overall sexual experience so this knowledge is key.
Now people do differ. Some may have a fetish about where they prefer to be touched, stroked, caressed, kissed, licked, bitten or sucked (have I left anything out?). Plus there are some places which are a turn off. Knowing your lover is important, however there are areas of each body, both male and female, which are a good place to start.
Two types of erogenous zones
Now there two types of erogenous zones and they depend largely on skin type. Non-specific zones have been identified in areas such as the sides and back of the neck, the armpit and along the sides of the chest. Sensation in these areas can often feel like a tickle but it can be quite enjoyable.
Specific zones on the other hand have skin with nerve endings closer to the surface. They can be found in regions of the body around orifices. This includes the nostrils, lips, mouth, eyelids, ears, genital area and anus. The nipples are also associated. These areas are connected to our brains inner reward system. This is why they are exceptionally sensitive when touched and often provide a sexual response.
So lets take a closer look at some regions of the body known to be erotic erogenous zones:
The head’s erotic erogenous zones
Many people love having fingers run through their hair or their scalp massaged. As the nerve endings are so close to the brain it provides a sense of relaxation and enjoyment. Whether or not it is a sexual response depends highly on the individual and the circumstances.
Many things can stimulate the ears. This includes whispering, breathing, licking, biting, caressing or kissing. The area behind the earlobe is said to be the most effective. However personal preference always comes into play.
Some people like the feeling of having their eye-ball licked or eyelid kissed. Remember the skin around an orifice is more sensitive? The thought puts many people off. For those who have tried it, a number report it’s sensational.
It comes as no surprise that kissing or licking the lips and tongue are especially sensitive and a popular erotic erogenous zone. The tongue is noted as the most sensitive part of the human body.
The neck and throat regions are also popular hot spots for men and women. The collar bone, back and sides of the neck are all popular places to lick, kiss, bite and caress. Sometimes heavy breathing will do the trick!
Erotic Erogenous Zones Of The Torso
The areola and nipple are popular regions for both sexes. They can be stroked, caressed, rubbed, licked, kissed or bitten. Both sexes respond well to either firm or light touch of the breast region, including the sides of the breast. The type of touch can often change the sensation and the response.
Now this area is really interesting. Madonna told reporters back in 1985 that when a finger entered her navel (belly button) she distinctly felt a nerve sweep through her entire body. Others have had a similar experience and some have reported a direct link to their genitals. Who would have though a belly button could be such a hot spot?
For the rest of us the area between the navel and genitals particularity when licked with the tip of the tongue is the main erotic erogenous zone here.
Located directly above the anus lies another erogenous zone. People claim they really enjoy the sensation of being touched, licked or kissed.
The bottom and anus
Again the type of touch seems to be the ticket here at the bottom. Either firm gripping, smacking, hitting or even whipping can turn people on. Very light touch is also recommended. While many people like their bottom being touched, it’s not overly mentioned as an erotic erogenous zone.
The rectum or anus on the other hand has been thoroughly discussed. For men, inserting a finger into the rectum to locate and massage the prostrate gland can be a big turn on. IF they let anyone get close! For many heterosexual men this area is totally off-limits. So even though it’s an erotic erogenous zone many men would prefer their rectum untouched.
Women too experience sexual sensation in the rectum. Once again however this region is highly dependent upon personal preference.
Genital erotic erogenous zones
Interestingly and despite popular belief, the vagina as a whole isn’t actually an erotic erogenous zone. I bet you didn’t know that! It’s the vulva and clitoris as well as the region closest to the vaginal entrance called the anterior wall which have more nerve endings and responds sexually.
Along the anterior wall sits the urethral sponge. This fills with blood upon arousal. It’s suggested this might be where the elusive G-spot can be found but no-one knows for sure where it is of if it even exists. Regarding if it’s an erotic erogenous zone, some women find sensation here irresistible while other say it’s irritating. This is why knowing an individual’s erogenous zones is so important.
A man’s penis and scrotum as a whole is easier to identify as a primary erotic erogenous zone. Stimulation occurs when touching particular areas of the glans (head), penis shaft, foreskin, scrotum and the perineum (skin between the scrotum and anus). There does appear to be some variation to sensation which occurs after circumcision.
The prostate gland can be stimulated from the outside, rather than via the rectum, by applying pressure to the base of the perineum near the anus.
Erotic erogenous zones of the limbs
Areas of the arms with the most sensitivity have the softer less exposed skin. This includes the inner arm, the inside of the elbow where the arm bends and the armpit. Pheromones located under the armpit can be an exceptionally erotic erogenous zone for some people.
Hands and fingers
When very lightly touched, caressed, licked or kissed the fingers and hands may provide a sexual response. Very firm holding of hands can do it too. The sensation depends greatly on the type of touch experienced and the specific area.
Fingertips are considered the second-most sensitive parts of the body. This is possibly why finger sucking is popular.
The inner thigh is the most sensitive part of this region as well as light touch on the back of the legs and knees for some people. Once again light or firm sensations work best.
Feet and toes
This part of the body is greatly dependent on the individual. Some people are very ticklish or don’t like the visual and thought of feet. They certainly wouldn’t consider this region a turn on at all.
It’s worth noting that the amount of nerve ends in the feet have a strong connection with the brain. For those who don’t mind feet and toes, they enjoy the sensation of a nice firm foot rub or their toes being sucked and licked. For some the sensation is similar to genital stimulation.
Image of erogenous zones drkatsmith.com
Does the G-Spot actually exist? And, if so, where the hell is it?
Never fear, dear readers, SHE SAID has got the fast facts on this one. This common sex myth irks Sydney sexologist, Dr Michelle Mars no end. For Dr Mars – who specialises in the sociology of sex gender and sexual well-being – says that despite many scientific claims to the contrary, the G-spot does in fact exist! “Best scientific evidence is that it does exist!” Dr Mars says.
“Science backs up my own experiences on this one. In an article published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine in 2012, a group of experts concluded that ‘the assumption that women may experience only the clitoral, external orgasm is not based on the best available scientific evidence’.
“I think it’s a myth that it doesn’t exist because a lot of knowledge about female pleasure has been lost over the centuries and the idea that clitoral stimulation is required for orgasm has become pervasive.
“Women who gushed a lot were embarrassed and sometimes not sure they had urinated.
“Plus, not everyone knows how to do it so it might be something that only happens occasionally. We think sex is something you just do not something you can learn about!”
The G-spot, also called the Gräfenberg spot (after German gynecologist Ernst Gräfenberg), is said to be an erogenous area of the vagina that, when stimulated, may lead to strong sexual arousal, powerful orgasms and potential female ejaculation. So, where the bloody hell is it, exactly? “It’s a cluster of nerve endings near the entrance of the vagina,” Dr Mars says.“Some women are more aware of sensation than others.
“The G-spot is about two inches inside the vagina toward the front of a woman’s body.”
Dr Mars’ best sexpert advice in finding the G-spot is to tread carefully. So, do couples need to use a torch? “No!” she laughs. “If you’re exploring the G-spot, take the time to make it sexy, go slow, go in shallow, get the angle right, in and up. Keep the pressure firm.
“Be aware that it can take time; getting better at any kind of sex doesn’t happen overnight.
“It’s very obvious for some people, but for some women it’s just a dribble and they may not be aware of extra moisture until they stand up and move around.”
So, can you survive sex – indeed life – without experiencing G-spot vaginal ejaculation? “It’s another kind of pleasure, partners feel pleasure when they make their partners feel good,” Dr Mars says. “Learning to have fun with the G-spot is important because it opens up new avenues of pleasure and stimulates new neural pathways for pleasure.”
And ladies (and men) if you still need help finding the elusive G-spot, Dr Mars says there are a plethora of sex toys specifically designed to stimulate it. But she still really, really wants you to do your homework and find the damn thing. “Like great kitchen appliances, sex toys don’t make up for knowing what you’re doing,” she says. “For those who prefer vibrators, this is a good couple toy to play with: The Thrill Clit, G-spot and Anal Vibrator from We-Vibe.”
Interestingly, Dr Mars says that while only women have G-spots, men have what’s called a “P-spot”. Stay tuned for more on that soon, ladies.
What do you think? Have you found the G-spot?
Images, in order, via femamom.com; www.bodysculptor.com and abcnews.go.com.
“Trust me?” he asks.
I nod. He holds out his hand, and in his palm are two shiny silver balls linked with a thick black thread.
“These are new,” he says emphatically.
I look questioningly up at him.
“I am going to put these inside of you, and then I’m going to spank you, not for punishment, but for your pleasure and mine.” – Fifty Shades of Grey
Ben Wa Balls, Kegal Balls, Luna Beads, Burmese bells, Orgasm Balls, Geisha Balls: call them what you will, but these small, marble-sized weighted balls now have a centre-stage role thanks to erotic blockbuster Fifty Shades of Grey.
The extract above is from the 2011 E L James bestselling book. It remains to be seen if the sex balls, as I like to call them, will feature as prominently in the highly anticipated film adaptation due out around February 12.
The first book in the erotic trilogy, about a virginal 21-year-old college gal and the 27-year-old billionaire who love a bit of rough play, Fifty Shades has caused sales of sex toys, bondage and S&M gear to skyrocket both nationally and internationally. And the classic Ben Wa Balls, or various versions of them, have been flying off the shelves too, ever since.
The weighted balls are worn inside the vagina and have long been used to strengthen pelvic floor muscles – but can they, as Fifty Shades of Grey’s female protagonist Anastasia Steele experiences – also bring you to orgasm?
In the book, Anastasia suddenly turns nympho – “needy for sex” – after wearing said balls and almost has an orgasm after infamous male protagonist Christian Grey “jerks them out…suddenly”.
So, can we expect the same, if we wear the balls in real life? Sadly, no.
Leading Australian sexologist Dr Nikki Goldstein says do your research before use when it comes to the balls and, importantly, they’re not recommended for young girls. “On a pelvic floor basis, these balls are great,” Dr Goldstein says. “They can strengthen your muscles and aid bladder control.
“They’re also great if you forget to do your pelvic floor exercises (also called Kegel exercises).”
But what about the big O? Surely, Fifty Shades of Grey’s famous sex scene isn’t a fake?! Dr Goldstein says strong pelvic floor muscles can help you to have more orgasms, and strengthen the intensity of your big Os, but as for the balls themselves, it’s not the usual practice for them to be used for sexual enjoyment. What the hell E L James?!
“For some people, the more weighted ones can put pressure on the vaginal canal and rub on the G-spot,” she says. “And some people also insert them in the vaginal canal during anal sex.
“But I’d be reluctant to tell people to use them exclusively for sexual pleasure.”
Note well, ladies: do not put the sex balls in your anus as there’s a high likelihood the balls will, erm, disappear, according to Dr Goldstein.
So, what’s the moral of the story here, ladies?
“Do not use Fifty Shades of Grey as a text book on sex!” Dr Goldstein says. “It’s a fantasy novel, not a sex education book.
“But it just goes to show that people are craving information about sex topics.
“My final advice would be definitely do not expect to almost have an orgasm just by using the balls.”
Does spanking by a hot man help?
For more information on Dr Goldstein, visit drnikki.com.au.
What do you think? Have you tried using the sex balls?
Secondary image via fiftyshadesaddicted.com; book image via www.npr.org and cartoon via www.wheresmyglow.com.
Picture this: It’s holiday season, you’ve been happily single for a year now (by choice, obvs) as you’re far too busy being fabulous, successful and carefree to want a serious relationship just now, but you’ve developed an urgent need for some hot lovin’.
a) Invest in yet another vibrator (yawn)
b) Eat more chocolate cake (like, a lot more)
c) Take up kickboxing to vent your sexual frustration and/or
d) Contemplate a holiday romance, fling or casual sex encounter, whatever term your fancy.
If you answered d), take a deep breath and let’s talk about the “rules”, girlfriend.
Sexologists and relationship experts alike say you’ll want to strongly consider the following hot topics below and/or include them for possible discussion with Mr-Perfect-For-Now if and when you decide to take up a short-term “fuck buddy” over the summer break. Of course, if it’s a one-night night you’d prefer, there probably won’t be a lot of deep and meaningful dialogue.
- Don’t expect cuddling, basking or canoodling after sex. If he bolts straight for the door after the big event, and you’re sure you’re just after casual sex, you need to learn to be OK with this, lady.
- You can’t expect to introduce your booty call to your friends, family or pets. Dude ain’t yours for the keeping (and you don’t want him long-term anyway).
- Be upfront about your expectations and feelings, or lack thereof: sure, relationships can grow out of casual sex, but you’ve got to make sure you’re both on the same page when it comes to love and commitment. Honesty is absolutely key.
- Do not act like a girlfriend and develop a strong emotional attachment to hot casual sex man if you don’t want a relationship. Save yourself (and him) the complication and possible heartbreak; leave your emotions at the door.
- Don’t be greedy and selfish in the bedroom: this is the time to be adventurous, find out what truly blows your hair back and experiment with new sexual positions and/or role play. Just be sure that he’s into it, too.
- Ensure you’re in control of both your emotions and your actions to avoid unsafe scenarios.
- Always, always practice safe sex. Always. Did I mention always? No ifs, ands or buts, if he won’t wear a condom, abort!
What do you think? What are your casual sex rules?
Images via www.someecards.com.
Most men are reluctant about using condoms, but we have a naughty little skill which may be just the thing to change his mind. Hey, if you have to use them, you may as well use them to your advantage, right! Give him a treat and apply it with your mouth. It’s highly recommended for oral sex as well as intercourse.
With so many varieties and flavors on the market, why not have a bit of fun with them. It’s a lot like turning the humble condom into a playful little sex toy. Go for a flavored variety and add your own edible lube otherwise you will end up with a really awful taste in your mouth. There’s nothing sexy about a mouth full of sickly tasting goo!
Now, don’t assume this is going to be easy. You’ll need to practice so grab some cheap condoms because you’ll probably rip a few. There’s a real art to it. After you’ve mastered it, then you can experiment with different varieties. If you start by using ribbed ones, you’ll probably be a bit out of your league. Keep it simple and work toward the tricky stuff later. Seriously, don’t forget edible lube. This makes the condom much easier to apply and provides extra sensitivity for him.
1. Use your hands to take the condom out of the wrapper. Ripping it open with your teeth can puncture it. Yeah, it’s sexy, but it’s a no-no.
2. Unroll it slightly, taking notice of which way it’s unrolling. It needs to unroll as you lower your mouth, so make sure you have it the right way round. Practice this before you put it in your mouth because if it’s the wrong way around, you’ll have to start again.
3. Apply some lube to your lips, inside the tip of the condom and to the tip of your man’s penis. Like we said it does make it easier to apply and make it more sensitive for him, plus it prevents it from breaking.
4. Pinch the tip before you put it in your mouth. If you place it snugly over the top of his penis, there will be nowhere for the semen to go later.
5. This is when you put it in your mouth. This image should help you understand the positioning.
6. Suck the tip in slightly and hold it in place by putting it behind your teeth using your tongue.
7. Now that you have it in place, lower your mouth to the head of his penis. You can use a hand to hold his penis so you are in charge of what’s going on.
8. In one swift motion, lower your mouth so the condom unrolls over his penis. Your lips will basically do the work as you lower your mouth. This motion should unroll the condom and position it correctly. Make sure you keep hold of the tip to keep it empty.
9. Use your tongue to flatten the tip of the condom onto the tip of his penis, leaving room for his ejaculation.
10. Position the condom properly using your mouth and tongue, should it not be sitting correctly.
11. If this isn’t working, use your other hand to position it correctly.
12. Add more lube and you are done!
This will get easier with practice. You might find a way that works better for you, because it is a bit tricky keeping the tip in your mouth as you unroll it with your lips. If you find it gets stuck, add more lube.
Try to keep your teeth out of it. Some people use their teeth to unroll it or position it, but when you use your teeth there is a much greater chance of ripping it.
Lastly, give him plenty of eye contact throughout the entire process. Position yourself so he can see what’s going on. Men enjoy visual stimulation, so make a performance and you’ll never have any protest using condoms ever again!
Image via m4.biz.itc.cn/pic/new/x580/31/86/Img6428631_x580.jpg
Sexually confident women are a big turn-on for most men. However, society has taught us to suppress sexual urges and conversations. Particularly for women, talking about sex can be difficult and the mere thought of performing some sexual behavior, sends them hunting for a Valium. In reality, there should be nothing stopping you from talking about sex with your partner or having an awesome sex life.
Psychologists have identified a cycle of anxiety. Below is an image to help you understand how your thoughts, impact your behavior.
There are a couple of methods that you can easily do yourself which will reduce all sorts of sexual anxiety. For example, you might want to try role play or initiate a bit of bondage, but it’s way too far outside your comfort zone. Exposure Therapy (ET) and Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) combined will work a treat and you will well on your way to becoming sexual confident.
Firstly, EP is all about exposing yourself to things you fear. In this case, it’s some aspect of sexual conversation or behavior. Your partner will already know that there are things which push your boundaries, so it’s time to talk to them about it. If this is where the fear lies, this will give you an excellent opportunity to expose yourself to that fear. If you’re not sure how to begin the conversation, we have an example:
“I’d really like to talk to you about something. I get anxious when we talk about sex or when we want to do certain things. It makes me really nervous, but I’d like to do something about it. I’ve got a few things I’d like to try, so could you help me work through it?
It’s recommended if you have a partner to talk to them about it so they can support you through it. If you are single and want to become more sexually confident you can still achieve it, however the CBT element will be equally as important as ET.
To begin ET, not the alien type although it might feel like it, start with a goal; say erotic role play and introducing fantasy play into your sex life. Instead of jumping feet first, begin gradually by exposing yourself to things you find slightly uncomfortable. This may be talking about what you want, sexually. As you find this becomes easier, take it to the next level and so on, until you reach your goal. Having that goal gives you something to work toward. When you achieve it, set yourself another goal. It’s that simple and it does work.
While you are using EP to alter your behavior, you can also work on what’s happening in your head. What are the thoughts which are stopping you from achieving your goal? Is it body image? Is it something from your past? This is where the CBT element comes into play.
CBT is about recognising your thoughts, becoming more self-aware and rationalising these thoughts to alter behaviour. For example, we’ll use erotic roleplay again. There must be something which you find intimidating about it. Is it fear of what your partner will think of you? Is it the fear of what you think of yourself? Whatever it is, there is a fear of something associated with the activity. Below is an example of a CBT chart for you to follow.
As you can see, the result of CBT is to change your negative self talk into positive self talk. The power of telling yourself things over and over until you firmly believe them is underestimated. After-all, you have talked yourself into being sexually anxious, so you can talk yourself out of it as-well!
If you follow these two simple techniques, you will be well on your way to become the sex goddess you know is hidden somewhere deep inside you. If you are still struggling to overcome your anxieties, visiting a sex therapist could help you. Everyone deserves a thriving sex life, so don’t let sexual anxiety stop you from exploring your sexuality and having a great sex life!
Images via ahealthyclick.com and greymatterspsychotherapy.co.uk
Did you know some smells increase sexual pleasure and are better to use during an erotic massage? Much like the Ultimate Oral Sex Guide, this isn’t a step-by-step instructional guide to performing an erotic massage. No one can tell you what your partner likes better than your partner. Instead, we want to give you some tips on setting the scene, oil selection and the power of scent, plus a couple of performance tips to make the experience better.
Setting the scene
Now when setting the scene for an erotic massage, there are certain things you need to take care of BEFORE you begin.
Make time – Erotic massage isn’t something you should rush. If you are a busy couple, make a date for it to happen. If you have little kids, who still wake up during the night, send them to grandma’s/aunty’s/a friend’s place or you might have to get an overnight sitter and go to a hotel for the night. Don’t feel guilty about it. An erotic massage is an investment in your relationship so don’t make excuses, just make it happen!
Picking the location – You want the experience to be pleasurable. That can be hard to achieve if you are lying or kneeling on the floor for any length of time, particularly as you get older. If you use protective bedding, like a waterproof mattress protector, draped with high thread count sheets, you will both be much more comfortable. Yes, they will stain, so wash them after and keep them for these occasions. Just make sure you don’t end up having to sleep in a puddle of oils and body fluids later.
Lighting – Dim lighting is best because it induces relaxation and pleasure. Candle lighting is perfect, so aim for that effect.
Technology – Turn it off. That includes mobile phones and TVs. You might want some nice calming music playing quietly in the background but that’s about the only technology you should have around you.
Clothing – None. If you wear expensive lingerie, it will get stained when you are using oils. Plus, the bonus of being naked is knowing you will be free to use every part of your body to massage him. The sensation of skin on skin, especially if you slip and slide around together, will be much better without clothing restraints.
Preparing for the massage
There will be certain things which are needed to perform an erotic massage. Things like towels for cleaning up after and oils you plan to use. You might want to try a blindfold or add some sex toys. Get these ready before you begin. Why, you may ask? Not only will it allow you to concentrate solely on your performance but it can be really dangerous hunting around the house for things covered in oil. You want fun and pleasure, not a trip to the emergency room because you slid over and cracked your skull open! It may sound a bit ridiculous but it does happen. So please, don’t let it happen to you or your partner.
Oil selection and the power of smell
When choosing an oil, please take into consideration the effect smell has on pleasure senses. Erotic massage should be rejuvenating for the mind, body and spirit; so some smells are much better to use than others. For example, the scent of ylang ylang is soothing, a powerful aphrodisiac, increases libido, boosts low energy levels and improves love making. Then there’s cinnamon, which entices heat from within the body, increases sexual appetite and when rubbed sparingly on genitals, produces powerful stimulation.
Now, Lady Sclareol, which has been around since the middle ages, is an essential oil which has been blended using some of nature’s most exotic and aromatic essential oils, including ylang ylang, geranium, rosewood, jasmine, clary sage, sandalwood, and others. Its proprieties are an aphrodisiac for both sexes, claiming to calm, balance, enhance libido and encourage fertility.
Be aware that some essential oils may burn or irritate when they are directly used on the genital skin. If you are unsure, use only edible lubrication rather than an essential oil. Many come in scented flavors. Keep in mind the scent won’t be as powerful as a pure essential oil, so you may want to use some incense, scented candles or oil in a burner, to improve the experience.
There’s a few things to remember when giving an erotic massage:
- It’s a marathon, not a sprint and there’s no finish line. If you begin to get tired or sore, swap over with your partner and take turns. Make it last and don’t be consumed by arriving at the happy ending. It’s all about the journey!
- Use plenty of oil. Don’t be afraid to get messy. The messier the better and that’s why you need to prep BEFORE you begin.
- Use all of your body to perform the massage. If you do the entire massage with your hands, they will get tired. There’s nothing wrong with adding a heap of oil and laying on top of your partner and moving around. It’s all about the sensation of touch and the power of connection.
- Don’t forget about their head and face either. Some people start at the head and work their way down for a few reasons. The first is you need to start somewhere. The second: Starting with the head will instantly relax your partner. Thirdly, you won’t be smothered in oil and get it in their eyes. Finally, by the time you reach the lower half of their body, you will be smothered in oil!
We hope you’ve found these tips useful. The power of smell, when it comes to improving sex and sexual performance, is reasonably in-depth and way more than we can cover here. If you want to know more; we have an article coming up in the next few weeks, on How The Power Of Smell Can Improve Your Sex Life, so look out for that one.
If you want to share anything we have or haven’t covered here, speak up, because we’d love to hear from you!
Image via langtrees.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/erotic_massage1.jpg
Ladies, it’s time to tackle the controversial topic of the “mercy fuck”. And by this I mean when you take pity on a lustful, randy partner and offer them sex, even if you don’t 100 per cent feel like it.
Just to be crystal clear, I am not talking about rape or unwanted sexual advances; I’m talking about consensual sex, where you may find yourself getting turned on unwittingly by the generous and loving act of pleasuring your amorous significant other.
Now, some prominent Australian sex therapists, such as the always-controversial and alienating Bettina Arndt, have long preached the advantages of regular “servicing” of a man in a relationship. Indeed, last year she hit the headlines with what she claimed was the secret to a truly happy heterosexual marriage: “The truly lucky man is blessed with a sexually generous woman, one who believes in taking one for the team.”
Now that’s a very unfortunate choice of words if you ask me – she made the idea sound distinctly unpalatable and degrading. But does it have to be? Couldn’t “chore sex” turn into swinging-from-the-chandeliers hot sex?
And in a marriage, I think both women and men may find themselves not wanting sex for a variety of reasons – fatigue, stress, kids-sucking-the-life-out-of-you and more.
So, should you really put out for the health of your relationship, and/or for your own personal well-being too? The health benefits of sex are both well-documented and varied: good sex can boost your immune system and your libido – kinda like fine wine or chocolate, the more you have, the more you crave – and it even lowers your blood pressure and heart attack risk.
But is it too compromising to offer sex if you’re just not 100 per cent feeling it? SHESAID went in search of answers from the good doctor herself, leading Australian sexologist Dr Nikki Goldstein (pictured). Below, she shares her wisdom and insight on this tricky and divisive topic:
Should women be expected to put out for a mercy fuck?
I really think this is a case-by-case basis, but women need to start seeing this as something nice they are doing for their partner. Just like sometimes we want our partners to take the trash out, sometimes we might or should just have sex with our partners when we don’t 100 per cent feel like it.
Say, in the case of a tired, new mum, is a mercy shag an important way of reconnecting with your partner?
Sex can be a way to show your partner that you love them and reconnect. You might be tired if you have small kids, but men – especially Australian men – are taught to see the physical as a way of showing love. In a country that doesn’t encourage men to be open with their emotions, this is one way they show and can feel love. If you are exhausted, you might not want to go the full way, but some affectionate touching and kissing might be all that is needed.
And there are other things that a couple can do to increase intimacy and pleasure without intercourse – anything where skin-to-skin contact is involved. Even just being able to stimulate each other’s genitals or even an all-over massage with a sexy twist.
Can women (or men) get in the mood for sex during the actual act?
I do truly believe that even if you are not totally wanting sex, once you start to get into the act, your feelings might change and sexual desire might kick in. Start with some foreplay without the promise of intercourse and see how things progress. It might just be a night or touching and kissing or it might turn into a night of wild, crazy unexpected passion.
Is a mercy fuck an act of generosity and kindness in a marriage?
It’s important that your sexual relationship is not always a mercy fuck, but I do think from time-to-time it’s something you should do. Keep in mind however, that compromises are key. You might not feel like intercourse, but maybe there are others ways to be intimate and physical with your partner.
How important is sex in keeping the spark alive in a relationship?
Sex has so many benefits, both physically and mentally, and is important to connect a couple, but it’s important a couple thing outside the square when it comes to their sex life. It’s not always about penetration, but it’s the “sexy time” that’s important in a relationship: time for you and your partner to desire each other, make each other feel loved and wanted and pleasure each other.
What do you think? Is a mercy fuck ever OK?
Image via www.sodahead.com
Sex toys used to be called martial aids, and still are in some places, because the list of items couples can use included way more than what they sold in adult shops. Although this industry is booming and there are new items available all the time, there are plenty of everyday things couples can use to spice it up. Here’s a few ideas to add a bit a variety to your sex life that you probably have in your home already.
When was the last time you went to the kitchen and looked for tasty spreads or creams, fruit and veggies, to use with your partner? Use your imagination, get creative and go hunting! You can also change the sensation if you heat or cool down particular foods. Imagine heated Nutella, for example, yum! The warmth will also increase blood flow so it’s a win-win!
Vibrating electric razors
Now, this may sound a bit out there, but many electric razors actually vibrate and they are waterproof. Detach the top to avoid cutting yourselves and have a play. You’ll find they are really similar to the smaller vibrators on the market. They are much better for foreplay because they can be a bit sharp if you try to use them using intercourse.
You might wonder what a little hair tie has to do with sex but think about cock rings for a minute. They are made of all sorts of things so why not try a hair tie. The rubber ones without the small metal clasp are better because there is a chance the metal piece can cut you both. Also, be careful not to put it on too tight or leave it on too long. It’s about restricting the blood flow, while the penis is engorged, but eventually the blood has to be able to able to flow.
Yep. Yet another thing to use your mobile for. You can either set it to vibrate and your partner can continue to call you, while you strategically place it or how about this; there’s now an app for this too. MyVibe by MyPleasure has developed an app to control your phones vibrations from short and quick to long and slow. Is there no end to what you can use your mobile for? Apparently not! By the way, you might want to give it a clean before and after to use it. These things are covered with bacteria.
Peppermint mouth wash or mints can give your partner a cool, tingling sensation during oral sex. Plus the peppermint actually increases circulation and blood flow. Avoid direct contact with the skin, however, because it can be painful for sensitive areas. This works for both partners, so why not take turns?
Want to go for a bit of slip and slid? Lotions are ok but oils, particularly cooking, can add a new dimension to the word fun. You can use it for foreplay to give your partner an amazing, full body massage or during intercourse. You might have a few problems making a connection, as you slip and slide all over each other but it’s well worth trying. If you like it, you might want to go and invest in tastier, edible stuff because cooking oil doesn’t taste the best.
Has your love life been a bit lacklustre lately? Perhaps it has nothing to do with your moves in the bedroom. No need to jump to threesomes, role playing or sex toys to spice up your sex life (yet). Sometimes, the answer is easier than you think. Here are some exercises you can practice on your own that will ultimately lead to more fulfilling sex.
Most people aren’t breathing correctly during sex. Remember, reaching orgasm and feeling sensation is all about blood flow. What helps your circulation? Oxygen! Just like during a workout, you need to breathe deep to get your blood pumping. It can also help improve your stamina and help relax your mind – and we all know relaxation is the key to great orgasms.
Good fitness and flexibility will optimize your sexual experience. Improve your stamina to continue for longer, lift your legs and stretch your back with ease, and up your strength to hold your (or maybe his) body weight. But it’s not only your legs, arms and core that could do with a workout. Have you been doing your kegel exercises?
Get inspired by viewing or reading erotic films or literature. No, we’re not talking about porn. While pornography can help some people gather a sense of what terms them on, it must be remembered that, while porn scenarios are explicit and portrayed as real – they are, in fact, fake. The people are actors, their relations are fictional. Just because the people look like they are enjoying themselves, keep in mind that they are paid to look like that. You don’t have to enjoy what they enjoy, you don’t have to look like they look. Because of its visual potency and unrealistic representation of sex, porn can actually inhibit your ability to enjoy the real deal. Try expanding your points of sexual comparison by reading an erotic novel or seeing an arthouse film to free your imagination and get you in the mood.
Want deeper, better, more earth-shatteringly good orgasms this summer? For starters, don’t make like Meg Ryan’s character in the hilarious 1989 US romantic comedy When Harry Met Sally (pictured) and fake your way to glory.
Instead, summer is a prime time to get more in touch with your sensuality and take charge of your own sexual pleasure so as to get bigger, better Os, says leading Australian sexologist Dr Nikki Goldstein (pictured below). Here, the good doctor gives SHESAID readers her top three tips for better orgasms this summer:
Tip 1: Get more vitamin D, girlfriend
“I think summer is a sexier time of year than the other seasons because of vitamin D,” Dr Goldstein says. “We are outside more, getting more sun, and often happier because we have more hours of daylight, so I really do think that contributes to a happy, energetic and sexy mood. That’s why we have the summer romance, it’s a sexier time!”
Tip 2: Exercise your mind and body
Dr G is a big believer in exercising your mind and body to get a better orgasm. “When women are fit and healthy and more positive about their bodies they are more able to feel good about being sexual and get out of their heads and enjoy the experience,” Dr G says. And don’t forget to exercise those all-important pelvic floor muscles, either! “Exercises that work every part of the body, including the PC muscles, can help with increasing the intensity of orgasms,” she says.
“But exercising the mind, too, is a powerful tool. Being able to meditate, relax and breathe can greatly help women with their mental pleasure zones and assist them to once again switch off and enjoy the experience.”
Tip 3: Take charge of your sexual pleasure
Is it a man’s responsibility to get us off? Dr G says a big no. “One of the biggest myths is that a man should be able to deliver an orgasm to a woman on a silver platter,” she says.
“It can be to have a handy partner in the bedroom who knows his way around, but it’s also important women take change of their sexual pleasure and understand how their body works too.
“Being able to tell your partner what gets you over the edge is really important and also taking pressure of him to ensure the big O can help him enjoy the experience with you instead of worrying about what he might not be able to do.”
Main image via fanpop.com, secondary image via www.pixabay.com
Does your sex life need a pick-me-up? Sure, sex is all you can think at the beginning of a relationship, but as time wears on, it takes a bit of effort to keep it fresh and exciting. Follow our tips for better sex tonight!
Get over your insecurities
If you find that things have lost their lustre in the bedroom, it might be because of insecurities or lack of confidence – whether yours or your partner’s. A lack of confidence can have a significant impact on your sex life. Focus on cultivating a positive outlook of yourself, and encourage your man to do the same. Instead of thinking about what you don’t like about your body, focus on what you do love.
Tell him what you want
Miscommunication or no communication at all equals bad sex. The reason he keeps trying the same things over and over is because you don’t tell him what you want. Additionally, you aren’t telling him that there are things he already does that you particularly don’t like. Be firm about what you want and don’t want in bed, and you’ll be amazed at how much your sex life will improve.
Don’t skip foreplay
Remember when you couldn’t keep your hands off each other – and now, you just kind of want to get it over with? An unsatisfying sex life might lie with jumping straight to sex whenever the two of you are in the mood. Foreplay can play a huge role in the quality of sex that proceeds afterwards, and it has a lot to do with taking your time, as well as anticipation. Remember, you’re not trying to win a race; take it nice and slow. Enjoy your time with your partner.
Get back to your honeymoon phase
Start by thinking back to the excitement you felt when you first began having sex with your partner. Make it a point to send your partner a dirty text when you’re in a large group of people. Wink at him from across the room if the two of you are apart.
Break out of the norm
The problem in your sex life might also be related to doing the same thing over and over. Maybe you only have sex after the two of you have gone to bed, and you have a go-to position that you always resort to. Try spicing things up by having sex more sporadically. Additionally, try out new positions to add excitement.
Let’s talk about sex! At a recent #SexUncovered event, Dr Ginni Mansberg, host of the new show Embarrassing Bodies Down Under, and sex therapist Dr Margaret Redelman, answered everything you’ve always wanted to know about sex, but were too afraid to ask.
How often does a ‘regular’ couple have sex?
“Almost everyone wants a figure, or ‘target’, when they come to see me. For younger couples, averaging 2-3 times a week is probably a good amount, while for older couples it might more realistically be 1-2 times a week or fortnight. However, the critical factors are probably the longevity of the relationship and the happiness quotient of the couple,” says Dr Margaret Redelman.
What’s the ‘normal’ length of time before a women climaxes?
“There is no such thing as ‘normal’, but there are some averages. A lot depends on what’s happening in people’s lives and their relationship, the motivation for their love making at that time and their physical surroundings,” Dr Ginni Mansberg reminds.
“Women need on average 20 minutes of foreplay before penetration,” said Dr Redelman.
“But remember, not all women want this all the time. A quickie without orgasm can sometimes be as much fun as a long session with orgasm,” said Dr Redelman.
Does the ‘g-spot’ actually exist and does every woman have one?
“No, it’s actually a bit of a fantasy. There has been some research to suggest that there is a section of the vagina – around two thirds of the way up on the front wall – that if touched can result in intense sexual pleasure, but it’s inconsistent,” says Dr Ginni Mansberg.
Dr Margaret Redelman agrees: “I don’t think the ‘g-spot’ exists. There is a ‘g-spot’ area where there is a small plexis of nerves with increased sensitivity. In the same way as the fact that no two clitorises are the same, some women seem to have this area and some women don’t.”
How common is it for men ‘not to come’ and what causes this during sex?
“Some men have a high threshold for orgasm. There can also be emotional and physiological challenges for some men in ejaculating with age, disease and medication. Some medical conditions can impact ability to climax, for example, diabetes can effect nerve supply that impacts stimulus, while some medications inhibit ejaculation. There will be some men who are inhibited because of psychological makeup, family of origin issues, past sexual experiences and current relationship issues such as anger and pregnancy fears.
As men get older some men can have trouble if their partner has vaginal laxity and the penis is not getting enough stimulation. As men age, however, some find they don’t need to ejaculate every time they make love. They can find lovemaking to be emotionally satisfying without having to ejaculate,” says Dr Redelman.
How can couples keep things fresh in the bedroom after being together for a while? What should you say if you want something different?
Says Dr Margaret Redelman: “If your partner’s not meeting your sexual needs, say something sooner rather than later. The longer you take to say something the harder it will be to change, and the more hurt your partner could be. Say something with empathy and warmth, but say it!
The most important thing is not to accuse, or say they’re a bad lover. Talk about yourself and your needs and working together to be great in bed together. In a new relationship people are often shy to say things, but if you let it stay for a long time there will be repercussions for the long term sexual relationship.”
Says Dr Ginni Mansberg: “Good communication. Good communication. Good communication. Make it positive. If your partner hears ‘I want to spice things up’ they can read it wrong and turn off if it seems like an accusation. If it’s wanting to return to the rockstar sex of the past, and saying ‘I love you, let’s do it together, what about trying something different together’ you can have a great time.
Make sure your partner feels attractive. If it’s said in a positive way it can be very exciting, but otherwise it can sound negative or accusatory. Sometimes it can be a very simple change. If a woman can’t orgasm through penis-vagina sex, what if she said ‘maybe you could rub my clitoris while having sex?’
When suggesting something new, make sure your partner hears: ‘I love you. I want you’.”
How do you speak with your partner if they’re experiencing sexual dysfunction?
Dr Ginni Mansberg: “Definitely don’t ignore it. Don’t point the finger or blame, approach these types of problems as a team. Speak as ‘we’ and about what ‘we can do.’
Studies have shown that premature ejaculation (PE) is the most common form of male sexual dysfunction.
Having treatments that really work has changed the landscape completely. It is now a mainstream, medical situation where there is safe help available. We can now sort this out. Whether the man comes to a doctor’s appointment together with his partner, or alone, the main issue is ensuring that men feel supported and there is open communication.
Men, go to the doctor!”
Dr Margaret Redelman: “If you aren’t sure what is ‘normal’, or are confused about what’s happening, get some background education for yourself, raise it with your doctor or go online. One resource, including an online self-assessment for PE is controlPE.com.au, which has been created by Menarini.
You should definitely address any problems with your partner – and sooner rather than later – with a three-step process:
- Say something nice. Most people, in their anxiety, rush to say what they want and forget this step. Validating or acknowledging the partner’s feelings will open them up to hearing the dialogue better. Remember, you’re talking to someone you love! Let them know it.
- Offer neutral observation and what is happening to/for you. Don’t judge or accuse them. Give them information about your experience of the situation using the words “I”.
- Tell them what you want or your ideas on next steps which you think may help you. Ask them if they’re open to exploring ‘what we can do together…’ Ask them for their input or suggestions.”
What’s the most common reason couples attend sex therapy?
Dr Margaret Redelman: “The most common reason why couples come to me together is a discrepancy in sexual desire, that is, different libido levels. There are stereotypes in the community that men want to do it all the time and women are feigning headaches, but in approximately one third of the couples I see clinically, it is the woman who has the higher libido.”
Are pelvic floor exercises the best thing to improve the sexual experience for a woman?
“Pelvic floor exercises are critical for women and also important for men to do. They can improve the sexual experience for both men and women.
For women, the stronger your pelvic floor the better your orgasms will be. If she’s below a certain strength she won’t be able to have an orgasm and if it’s above a certain strength there’s potential to be multi- orgasmic.
Walking upright puts tremendous pressure on our pelvic floor muscles, so as we age and after kids we have reduced pelvic floor strength. So to maintain orgasmic potential over time it is very important to exercise your pelvic floor,” says Dr Margaret Redelman.
Does the contraceptive pill lower libido?
“It certainly can, particularly pills that reduce testosterone. If you have low testosterone already, some pills can definitely send libido into hibernation.
Libido is impacted by a lot of things, and sometimes women do miss-attribute their changes to different things.
If your libido takes a dive, look at what’s happening in your relationship or the stress in your life. Stress shuts down your ovulation, which in some ways can be your body protecting you,” says Dr Ginni Mansberg.
What sex questions do you want answered? Let us know in the comments and we’ll get them answered!
What’s your preference in the bedroom? A mind-blowing orgasm? Or settling under the covers with a nice, challenging crossword? If the good folk at the State University of New Jersey have their facts straight – it seems orgasms are more beneficial for your brain than crossword puzzles.
Tat O’Per couldn’t agree more. The Sydney author, psychologist, counsellor and therapist has documented her findings on men’s and women’s sexual energy for her book The Orgasmic Effect.
A firm believer in how sexual energy can benefit your emotional, physical, and mental health, Tat reveals what every woman needs to know about men; how to channel sexual energy into having a successful business, career and life plan as well as how to keep the passion alive in the face of the mundane, daily grind – and most importantly, tips on how to keep your man from straying. Pretty sure a crossword puzzle won’t help you there.
What do you do as a life coach?
I teach people how to harmonise emotions, by connecting to their body intelligence. I employ my psychology background with my intuitive abilities to enable each one to go to their next step where ever they are on their path.
My studies of religions, including Buddhism, Hinduism, Theosophy, Catholic studies and Yoga, have given me insights and understanding into the human soul and the realisation that there is no religion higher than truth.
This has led me to gain inner strength and inner peace and is a platform from which I teach. I have developed a Life Balance and Relaxation program with techniques to incorporate mind – body rejuvenation. And a seminar “Using Sexual Energy in your every day life”.
How did your work as a counsellor and therapist lead you down this path?
I have always wanted to write about energy, as I felt that there is a missing link to combining it all. People either teach about health, or fitness, wellness programs and healing all separately. Sex is never discussed or the wrong connotations are associated with it, it’s the main topic in movies.
Sexual energy is not really known about on its own, so I decided to combine it when I began to notice how lack of self esteem, was a huge issue with men who brought it into every session when addressing their issues. A common denominator always played a role. I began to document my findings until I realized I needed to write this as a book, to inform everyone of this common problem that interferes with men’s health, and wellbeing and for all of our personal relationships, men and women.
Who is the book aimed at?
Sexual energy is a common factor to both men and women, so I address both men and women. It encompasses techniques and exercises that refer to both and is a great reference book to reference any part of topics you may be interested in. I have made the table of contents accessible by dividing it up for this reason that you can look up any part rather than searching through the chapters.
What are the main things women can learn from your book?
What men don’t want women to know about them and what every women needs to know about men. When a woman learns about that, she is more in control of herself and her relationship on a daily basis.
Women can learn what turns a man on, and why they go seeking sexual relief from outside, and how to prevent this from happening.
How orgasms really work. How to keep their man in order for their man not to go astray. How to recognise baggage we carry so we can be responsible for our own energy rather than dump it on our partner. It opens up for women how to be more aware about the dynamics of their relationship with their man, and the signs to watch for to keep a healthy balanced partnership on track.
How do you define ‘sexual energy’?
Sexual energy is the most powerful tool in existence and is the driving force within us that makes a man do anything. All great men of genius and power used their sex drive as fuel. Love must be included in the sex relationship as sex, alone, is a powerful force and can be uncontrollable. Transmutation of sexual energy is the key to turning sexual energy into productivity, creation, invention and accomplishment. Creativity, advancement, and achievement are the most long term satisfying goals for mankind. When the emotion of love begins to mix itself with the emotion of sex, the result is calmness of purpose, poise, accuracy of judgement, balance, and most of expansion of our true self.
How does sexual energy benefit your emotional, physical and mental health?
The benefits of sexual energy for our emotional and mental health is when you recognise that we have to transform our sexual energy into fuel for something else. Masturbating frequently drains vital physical energy from you. You can see vast, positive changes in mood, personality and happiness by giving this up. The greatest benefit is to have love in your sexual relationship which becomes key to any successful partnership both home and business.
Does sexual energy benefit men and women differently?
Sexual energy is our power energy, this applies to both men and women. We can consciously use our sexual desire and energy and focus it into our business and life plan. Women initially seek to have children and use their sexual energy for nurturing the growing family. Or if she chooses career over family, as long as she has a supportive loving partner, her business can really take off significantly.
Sexual energy is damn near limitless and when re-directed can turn any man or woman into a money making machine.
A good woman who will take care of her man’s needs (not just sexual) – will free his mind from having to even think about these things and he can focus completely on his goal at hand. The love and support of a woman is essential for success – most successful men had a good woman behind the scenes. This rule applies to both men and women in business.
Can you ‘tap into’ your sexual energy at any time?
Tapping into our sexual energy is easily done with meditation a few times a week, also with balanced exercise routine, reviving yourself in nature, and harmonising the body with breathing exercises. I also list exercises in my book on stroking different parts of the body using a love energy that is different to masturbation energy.
How can we improve our sexual energy?
Improving sexual energy is not to indiscriminately have sex. Don’t make sex your primary goal. Don’t masturbate or watch internet porn frequently, this drains vital energy from you. Keeping your seed develops an animal magnetism that draws people to you, constantly spilling that seed repulses people. The key purpose of my book is to draw attention to the beneficial ways that transforming sexual energy actually boosts your health and quality of your relationships. As positive relationships are the major factor that bring happiness.
What are your top tips for women wanting to keep their man interested and not straying?
Remember to thank him for the little things he does around the house. Give him a foot or head massage when he comes home and looks tired. Don’t avoid sexual innuendo’s just ask If he’d like a neck to shoulder massage, as he might just want a relief from tension. Men don’t realize that realising tension is not necessarily from the genitals only, so when he reaches for a quickie ask him if he’d like to have a head massage.
Arrange to take turns to give one another oral. If he is insisting on a quickie, ask yourself if you’d prefer to give him a quickie or if you really don’t mind another woman doing this for your man. If you love your man then a quickie is something part of your relationship that you want to maintain.
How can couples reignite the passion in their relationship? What are some of your top tips?
Reigniting sexual energy does not happen just by going away for the weekend, engaging in some on going activity is what keeps the energy flowing. Activities that bring you pleasure like, ice hockey, ice skating, salsa or ballroom dancing, jazz, hip-hop. Outdoor sporting activity with your sons, bush walking or yoga for yourself. Activities raise sexual energy and actually release negative patterns that come up in our daily life. Try giving one another a regular sensual massage every so often. Celebrate with any occasion by cooking dinner and spoiling your partner with buying special treats, spoilt her/him. Sexual energy is stimulated from the heart and being
consciously aware of it raises your sexual energy energising you body in these simple ways. DVDs on sexual play can work for some people, and even going to week end retreats on exploring your sexual energy, especially when you are both looking
forward to it.
Once you’ve reignited the passion – how do you ensure it doesn’t wane again?
Get into a good habit of having one day of the week where one will give the other what s/he really wants from their partner. It could be just a really good massage, or shoulder, neck or head massage. It could be a sensual massage that ends in some erotica.
Another good habit to get into is to score points, or exchange good deeds, like X3 dishes in a row will give you a shoulder neck and head massage. Washing the car could be exchanged for cooking a nice meal, it pays to be inventive. You can easily come up with some fun scoring ideas. Always look out for going for drives, walks in the forest, country markets together, playing golf or tennis together maybe once a month. Scanning what short holidays may be on offer for things like share accommodation.
What are your top tips for shy folk to discover and act upon what their partners really want?
Going for drives, stopping when on a walk and having a cuddle. Cuddling on the beach or cinema. Making outdoor picnics an intimate affair where its special for just the two of you, so you can become more relaxed with one another and have scope to talk and chat about some fantasy that your partner could be fantasising about and not being brave enough to articulate.
The Orgasmic Effect by Tat O’Per, $27.99 available at Amazon, Barnes and Noble and Balboa Press.
Could your love life could use a little spicing up? We found these three bits of wisdom from sex therapist Laura Berman, PhD and director of the Berman Center in Chicago. Dr. Berman has shared her secrets for sizzling sex in her book The Passion Prescription. These sex tips should raise the temperature of your sex life!
Love your body
It’s hard to enjoy sex when you have negative feelings about your body. According to Dr. Berman, “Typically, when a woman looks at herself, her eyes go straight to her problem areas. She carries that feeling into the bedroom, and when her partner’s kissing her thighs, she’s busy thinking, ‘God, I’m so fat!’”
To counteract this poor self-image, the doctor’s sex advice suggests that you look at yourself naked in the mirror at least once a week, focusing on your favourite body parts. Touch those parts and say aloud what you like most about them. Cultivate a positive self-image and soon you’ll be eager to toss off your clothes and jump into bed!
Don’t be afraid to try something new and exciting
Being in a long relationship can be cozy and comfortable, but sometimes you can get into a rut and start feeling like the sex isn’t as hot as it used to be. Dr. Berman suggests reliving the wilder, early days of your love affair by trying something new and daring, like scuba diving or a helicopter ride, to get the blood and heart pumping. “Experiencing something new and exhilarating together helps replicate that feeling you had in the beginning of your relationship when you couldn’t get enough of each other.”
Speak up about what turns you on
According to Dr. Berman, “Men want to be your knight in shining armour when it comes to sex – they’re eager for you to tell them what feels good. The problem is, so many women are out of touch with their bodies they have no idea what to say.” Hopefully, you’ve gotten in touch with your own body by trying the self-image booster above and are ready to show your partner what you really like!
Dr. Berman suggests putting your hand on top of his and guiding him to the ways you want to be touched. Want oral sex or have a favourite sex toy? Speak up! “This is the only way he’s going to know what works for you.”
What’s your favourite piece of sex advice?
If you’re a sex toy virgin, you could easily be forgiven for not knowing where to start. There is almost too much choice out there, but knowing what gets you off (pardon the pun) is always the best place to begin.
Are you a clitoral girl?
The majority of women (70-80% in fact) need clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm and there are numerous toys that will help in this area. Vibrating Bullets are the most common, ranging in size and material. The Power Bullet is a powerful yet discreet toy that can be hidden in your handbag. Waterproof and with 3 levels of intense vibrations, you’ll be one happy lady. Looking for something a bit more sophisticated? Try Ipo the clitoral vibe that slips onto your finger – a simple toy also ideal for couples looking to add a little extra stimulation.
Are you looking to jiggle your G-spot?
G-spot vibrators are usually curved upwards at the end to enable more targeted stimulation of the G-spot itself. Try Gigi – the world’s best selling G-spot vibrator. Rechargeable and Made from velvety soft silicone, she has 5 vibration settings and can be used both internally or externally. Or how about Moka – a 12 setting waterproof G-Spot vibrator. Powerful and near silent, this slimline vibe is sure to set some pulses racing.
Looking for more?
A rabbit vibrator – or dual stimulation sex toy – is what you’re looking for. Made famous by Sex & the City, the rabbit is still one of the world’s best selling sex toys. They do come in varying shapes, sizes and materials, but in essence they all do the same job. The smaller ‘bunny’ section is for targeted clitoral stimulation whilst the shaft provides the feeling of fullness. The rotating beads inside the shaft create waves of pleasure and can often change direction or pattern with the touch of a button. Rabbit vibrators can be quite noisy so if you live with flatmates or parents, choose a rabbit that has motors rather than beads as this will keep the noise level down whilst still providing the same levels of stimulation. The ivibe Waterproof Rabbit is noisy but fabulous whilst the rechargeable Happy Rabbit is much quieter yet still extremely powerful boasting 3 powerful motors. Also worth trying is the Groovy Chick – another G-Spot targeting vibrator that also enables clitoral stimulation at the same time. The Groovy Chick features an 8cm long removable bullet and is fully waterproof and hands-free too.
From the back door?
There is a large selection of anal sex toys available today, but for beginners we suggest you start with something small like a butt plug or anal beads before progressing to larger toys. Always use lubricant with anal play and it is best to choose a toy that has a curved outer end as this allows for easy holding and also reduces the likelihood of the toy being sucked up. The bottom is like a vacuum and we wouldn’t want any embarrassing visits to the emergency room!
Waterproof, rechargeable and hands-free?
If you’re planning to use your toy in the bath, shower or spa, always check it is fully waterproof first. Rechargeable toys are often more expensive than their battery operated counterparts, but doing away with batteries is more economical in the long run as well as being better for the environment. Hands-free toys are usually toys that are worn – for example the We-vibe 3 – the famous couples’ vibrator worn by the women whilst making love. Completely, hands-free, fully waterproof and rechargeable – everything a girl could ask for!
A word on toy safety
Yes, sex toys can be dangerous! We’re not trying to scare you here – just make you aware of what to look for when purchasing your new BOB (Battery Operated Boyfriend). Firstly avoid any toys that contain Phthalates – chemicals used to soften plastics. Research shows that excessive exposure to phthalates can lead to cancer as well as liver and kidney damage. There are plenty of cheap sex toys available these day but good quality toys are usually made from body-safe silicone, glass and surgical steel. If you are using a toy with phthalates, always use it with a condom for maximum protection.
It is really important to keep your sex toys clean and hygienic and a hygiene spray is one of the simplest ways to do this. Available from only $9.99 simply spray on to the toy, wipe clean and your toy is ready for use. Hygiene sprays help keep toys free from bacteria and reduce the risk of infections.
Miss Tickles is the resident sexpert and sex toy party princess at Tickle and Delight. Miss Tickles travels the country bringing Sex-U-Cation to the women of Australia and New Zealand in the privacy of their own homes, surrounded by friends where they can laugh and learn together. Find out more at www.tickleanddelight.com.