Sexual-behaviour

Women And Self-Pleasure

Women generally aren’t comfortable talking about self-pleasure. Yes, I’m talking about masturbation, but it’s so much more than that. It involves being in control and exploring our own physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual and sexual needs. Many women don’t prioritise or give themselves permission to experience it.

Men have this naturally inbuilt and more importantly, self-pleasure is approved and encouraged by society. They participate and watch a range of sports and leisure activities, create private spaces for themselves like “man caves” and are given permission to sexually explore their own bodies and be sexual beings.

Despite women sharing this need most will need to teach themselves. Society has taken a strong position about women experiencing self-pleasure. Our mothers and the generations before them weren’t taught and many never experienced it. Their entire lives were based on the premise that they were born to serve and satisfy others.

Modern women need to learn about self-pleasure and pass this knowledge down to the next generation. We need to encourage them to fully explore themselves and open themselves up to life’s possibilities. Hopefully generations to come will be educated and empowered, encouraging self-pleasure to be approved by society, regardless of gender.

So, to start with, many women neglect self-pleasure by simply not allowing themselves alone or quiet time. This should be an essential part of each day. Concentrate on your breathing and heartbeat, allow thoughts to flow through your mind like clouds being swept away by the wind. Allowing yourself this time steadies, calms and rejuvenates the body, mind and spirit.

Women should also create a space as their our own private sanctuary. When we need alone time we need to give ourselves permission to go there and breathe in the peace and stillness. The experience should be similar to taking a nice, long, uninterrupted bath with no technology or other distractions.

Another element of self -pleasure is doing simple things for yourself. Women are instinctive nurturers and often this takes preference over caring for themselves. To achieve it, it can be as simple as taking time to read or going out into the garden with a cuppa and literally taking time to smell the roses.

Then there’s the element of physical self-pleasure. This includes touch and masturbation. We need to learn about how our bodies and brains work and offer ourselves permission to explore our sexual thoughts, fantasies, wants and desires. We should know what body parts react to what types of touch, what we like and what turns us on. Most importantly, women need to ignore society’s condemnation concerning their sexual and erotic self and lead a charge into a new and improved way of thinking.

This change of mindset is urgently required. Currently, many male partners feel responsible for their ladies sexual pleasure. In reality, they aren’t. Women should know how to bring themselves to orgasm, be fully in control of their sexuality and remove sexual pressure from their partners.

This shift will empower women and take sexual pressure off men to “perform”. Sex should be about experience, not performance. Women should be responsible for their own sexual gratification and self-pleasure will help them achieve this. This will level the equilibrium that women aren’t responsible for their sexual satisfaction and that men’s sexual experience be based on performance.

Image via gfx.aftonbladet-cdn.se

January 10, 2015

Overcoming Sexual Anxiety

Sexually confident women are a big turn-on for most men. However, society has taught us to suppress sexual urges and conversations. Particularly for women, talking about sex can be difficult and the mere thought of performing some sexual behavior, sends them hunting for a Valium. In reality, there should be nothing stopping you from talking about sex with your partner or having an awesome sex life.

Psychologists have identified a cycle of anxiety. Below is an image to help you understand how your thoughts, impact your behavior.

anxiety-cycle

There are a couple of methods that you can easily do yourself which will reduce all sorts of sexual anxiety. For example, you might want to try role play or initiate a bit of bondage, but it’s way too far outside your comfort zone. Exposure Therapy (ET) and Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) combined will work a treat and you will well on your way to becoming sexual confident.

Firstly, EP is all about exposing yourself to things you fear. In this case, it’s some aspect of sexual conversation or behavior. Your partner will already know that there are things which push your boundaries, so it’s time to talk to them about it. If this is where the fear lies, this will give you an excellent opportunity to expose yourself to that fear. If you’re not sure how to begin the conversation, we have an example:

“I’d really like to talk to you about something. I get anxious when we talk about sex or when we want to do certain things. It makes me really nervous, but I’d like to do something about it. I’ve got a few things I’d like to try, so could you help me work through it?

It’s recommended if you have a partner to talk to them about it so they can support you through it. If you are single and want to become more sexually confident you can still achieve it, however the CBT element will be equally as important as ET.

To begin ET, not the alien type although it might feel like it, start with a goal; say erotic role play and introducing fantasy play into your sex life. Instead of jumping feet first, begin gradually by exposing yourself to things you find slightly uncomfortable. This may be talking about what you want, sexually. As you find this becomes easier, take it to the next level and so on, until you reach your goal. Having that goal gives you something to work toward. When you achieve it, set yourself another goal. It’s that simple and it does work.

While you are using EP to alter your behavior, you can also work on what’s happening in your head. What are the thoughts which are stopping you from achieving your goal? Is it body image? Is it something from your past? This is where the CBT element comes into play.

CBT is about recognising your thoughts, becoming more self-aware and rationalising these thoughts to alter behaviour. For example, we’ll use erotic roleplay again. There must be something which you find intimidating about it. Is it fear of what your partner will think of you? Is it the fear of what you think of yourself? Whatever it is, there is a fear of something associated with the activity. Below is an example of a CBT chart for you to follow.

Slide1As you can see, the result of CBT is to change your negative self talk into positive self talk. The power of telling yourself things over and over until you firmly believe them is underestimated. After-all, you have talked yourself into being sexually anxious, so you can talk yourself out of it as-well!

If you follow these two simple techniques, you will be well on your way to become the sex goddess you know is hidden somewhere deep inside you. If you are still struggling to overcome your anxieties, visiting a sex therapist could help you. Everyone deserves a thriving sex life, so don’t let sexual anxiety stop you from exploring your sexuality and having a great sex life!

Images via ahealthyclick.com and greymatterspsychotherapy.co.uk

November 20, 2014

Unlocking The Secret Of Sexual Scents

If you are always on the look out for new ways to improve your sex life, you really need to be in on the secret of sexual scents. Those in the know have been sniffing their way to great sex for years and it’s about time you joined them! Much like gender specific pheromones which attract the opposite sex, different fragrances, aromas and scents do much the same thing and are well known natural aphrodisiacs.

It’s important to know the basic science behind scent and sexual enhancement to make it work best for you. Particular scents provoke memories. This is because these systems in our brains are interconnected. It’s the memories which can put us in a positive or negative mood. If a woman is in a positive mood, she becomes more receptive to attraction and advances. Simple isn’t it. The same can be said of men, plus some scents promote blood flow which improves sexually physical responses, like erections. Obviously it’s much more involved, but that’s the basics.

Now, before we go into which smells are recommended, please keep in mind that a bulk of the research is out of the USA. This may explain why Pumpkin Pie seems to rate so highly. If studies were confined to Australians smells like the beach maybe more prevalent. That’s why understanding the science can help you tailor particular aromas which work better for different people.

First up we have a gender divided chart created by Dr Alan Hirsch, a neurologist and psychiatrist. He operates the Smell & Taste Research and Treatment Foundation in Chicago and also developed the science of aromachology, which is the study of how odor impacts mood and human behavior.

For women, Hirsch recommends the following scents in order of potency:

Licorice or cucumber

Lavender or pumpkin pie spice

Baby powder and chocolate

Women’s perfume

For men, Hirsch recommends the following scents in order of potency:

Lavender and pumpkin pie spice

Licorice and doughnut

Pumpkin pie spice and doughnut

Orange

Lavender and doughnut

Licorice and cola

Licorice

Doughnut and cola

Buttered popcorn

Cranberry

Now, Hirsch is an American researcher. Notice the items on these lists are related to his culture which may provoke positive memories as well as enhance blood flow? It’s not that his list isn’t valid to Aussies, but be mindful of how scent effects memories, emotion and sex.

Below are more generic scents which can be found world wide. If you are after a particular sexual response like assistance maintaining an erection or making sex last longer, use these specific scents and try them out.

Black pepper

Black Pepper is meant to increase stamina and strength. Great for anyone wanting their man to last longer.

Clary sage

It has a musky, woody, sweet scent which is especially helpful for women with sexual dysfunctions such as low libido, as it reduces anxiety, increases energy and desire. It’s sexual healing properties, are also used for men.

Frankincense

A spicy wood aroma, this scent mimics sex hormones and therefore has powerful aphrodisiac properties. It is also known to relieve anxiety and depression. Often depression can reduce libido, so having this scent around should help.

Ginger and cinnamon

Spices which produce a heat when you eat them, often increase vitality and libido. Plus, a small drop of cinnamon on the genitals can induce sexual stimulation.

Jasmine

Is a strong scent which invokes strong emotions, strength, warmth, lasting affection and connection.

Lavender

In every sense lavender is a winner. It reduced anxiety which can lead to performance anxiety and decreases blood pressure. Like rose, it has properties which produce positivity and it excellent for both men and women.

Lime

Awakens the senses, opens communication channels, eases anxiety, adds a lightness in the air.

Musk

Musk is likened to testosterone, so it’s a winner with the ladies.

Patchouli

Some people liken patchouli to snuggling in the forest or the scent of the sixties. If you are from that era, it might evoke some strong memories of the free sex days to light your fire! It has a deep sweet earthy scent , which will be more popular for the ladies.

Peppermint

Much like the effects of Lime, providing a lightness in the air, but peppermint is so much better! Pure peppermint is essential, because anything else will have little effect.

Rose
The smell of roses makes a person feel positively, soothed, calm and relaxed. Therefore, they are offered as an aphrodisiac. Men have been bringing women freshly picked roses for centuries and now you know why!

Sandalwood

This is more of a man’s scent and has been proven to work wonders with impotence and anxiety. It is also said to induce sexual urges.

Vanilla

For men and women. It is calming, soothing and relaxing, which removes tension and lowers inhibition.

Vetiver

Is similar to patchouli with a hint of lemon. It has a very strong scent which can produce powerful emotional reactions and has properties which can remove the sense of fear. This is excellent for anyone who has experienced sexual trauma.

Ylang ylang

Is a powerful aphrodisiac. It increases libido, energy, attraction, emotion and reduces anxiety.

Image via imagini.teotrandafir.com/2014/08/Top-parfumuri-de-barbati-care-le-innebunesc-pe-femei.jpg

November 13, 2014

The Truth About Why Married Men Visit Prostitutes

The only reason married men pay a women for sex, is that they aren’t getting satisfied at home, right? Wrong! Not that sex doesn’t play a key role; but there seems to be much more to it than meets the eye.

Emotional connection

Some married men admit they pay women for sex for a range of reasons, one being the emotional connection. Think about it for a minute. Why wouldn’t they choose to satisfy their own needs without the enormous risk of loosing their wife, kids and home if the connection with a woman wasn’t something they wanted?

In a recent TV interview, a married man who regularly visited a prostitute stated that the emotional connection actually makes the sex better. This is backed up by what another men have been brave enough to admit. It’s not just the sexual release because they can get that for free. It’s the emotional connection that maybe lacking in their marriage that they are craving and paying for.

Being in control of sex

In many marriages, the women has total control of the couples sex life. They dictate when, where and how it happens. Control can be equally as appealing as sex. For some married men, they feel emasculated when their control is completely removed from the equation. Sometimes, when they pay for sex, they are actually paying for the power and control of when, where and how it takes place.

Feeling wanted

There’s something pretty awesome about feeling wanted. When husbands approach their wives for sex, they want them; there’s no conditions around it and it’s all about the sex. Wives, on the other hand, can place conditions around sex. This is supported by the statistics that men who do more housework get more sex.

Think about how you would feel if your husband had sex with you to get his dinner cooked, clothes washed, house cleaned… get the picture? What a turn off! Unfortunately, that’s exactly what’s happening in some marriages. Men don’t feel wanted. They know sex will cost them in the long run; so they choose to pay for it up front.

Sex without the baggage

Sometimes a married man could chose to have an affair and get extramarital sex for free but chooses to pay for it instead. This leaves no room for attachment from the woman’s perspective. For her, it’s a business transaction and he knows it. He won’t receive awkward calls from girlfriends or lovers, who will threaten his marriage or lifestyle. The husband satisfies which ever need he feels is neglected, all without getting involved with another woman. Obviously, there is something lacking in the marriage and to save it he visits a prostitute.

Madonna or whore

Sigmund Freud suggested that men categories women into 2 types; Madonna or whore. They choose to marry the Madonna; they see her as wholesome and pure, but feel more comfortable having sex with the whore. With her, he doesn’t have to filter his sexual behaviour. This is exactly what they do. Instead of asking their wife to perform particular sexual acts, they pay a prostitute instead. They keep their wife pure and sacred and get their sexual fantasies satisfied.

By Kim Chartres

September 21, 2014

Are Women Wanting More Sex Than Their Partners?

It’s a myth that women’s sex drives don’t equal that of men and, in many cases, actually even exceed it. Centuries of cultural conditioning and suppression has seen to it that the double standard of slut vs stud is still alive and well. To make matters worse, many women support this value. They would be more comfortable labelling other women who openly admit their sexual behaviour, rather than standing up and acknowledging their own.

Not only that, as a result of this widespread disbelief, men can feel emasculated by women with sexual appetites greater than their own. It goes against societal expectations of the submissive female and promiscuous male. Some women assume that men who have partners with equal or greater sexual appetites, would love it. However, for many men, it can be a turn-off when they aren’t the ones who consistently initiate sex.

Women aged in their late-30s to 50s are at greatest risk of being labelled. We’ve all heard the term “cougar” right? Research indicates women in this age group are wanting more sex than at any other time of their lives. The problem is, just when they want more sex, their partners – who are often a similar age – have a sex drive that begins to slide. Women of this age are much more sexually compatible with younger men.

So where did the myth come from?

According to a leader in female sexuality, sexual functioning and gender differences, Associate Professor Meredith Chivers, male and female bodies respond equally to sexual stimuli. Chivers and colleagues, conducted a study to assess the level of arousal in both men and women, while listening to narratives describing conventional sexual activity. Using apparatus, affixed to subjects genitals, levels of arousal were scientifically measured. Results indicated, that biologically both sexes responded similarly.

When asked to self-report their level of arousal, men’s biological reactions matched their self-reports. However, womens self-reports didn’t. The researchers believed this was predominately a result of social conditioning, and not that women weren’t aware they experienced sexual arousal. Self-report “evidence” on women’s sexuality, would therefore be flawed if women neglect to report accurately.

Where to from here

Society would need to do a 180 shift, where women’s sexual experiences are celebrated as much as mens. Lets face it; if women are quick to label other women, we don’t have much hope of that. It’s up to women to initiate the drop in double standards if we want our daughters to get anywhere close to being understood as sexual beings. Until then, no amount of research will convince the masses, that women are sexually similar to men.

By Kim Chartres

 

July 30, 2014