“I was saying, “No, stop,” and it was just completely ignored.”
Now, I don’t know who came up with the term “sex contract” but they really should have rethought the wording. Great concept – but the term “contract” can destroy the intimacy it can bring to a relationship. Nevertheless, if you value your sex life or would like to improve it, you need to sit down with your partner and draw one up. It’s very different to a sexual consent contract which people get casual partners to sign to ensure they aren’t later charged with rape.
The main purpose of the sex contract is to get people communicating about their sexual behavior, desires and boundaries with their partner. It’s an excellent way to explore and negotiate all types of sexual activity you want to try, builds intimacy and trust; plus it can include things like what constitutes infidelity and anything else of a sexual nature.
They’ve become increasingly popular since 50 Shades of Grey was published a few years ago and sex therapists are using them as a tool to get couples back on track. Even if you have a great sex life, it’s a bit like having sexual insurance if problems arise within your relationship. Having a forum to talk about sex provides an opportunity to discuss it, rather than dealing with the problem in isolation or withdrawing from your partner.
Having discussed the benefits, we explore the how to initiate a contract and investigate the types of things to include.
Even initiating a sex contract is a positive exercise. It shows your partner that you value your sexual relationship, want to protect it and make it even better. For some people, wanting to create one and actually doing so maybe a bit awkward. How and when do you bring it up? Before sex, after sex, at the dinner table?
Just like any other discussion you need to pick the right time to talk about it. In this case, you want to talk about your sexuality and sex life, so a perfect time would be when the two of you are in bed and have pillow talk. Be aware of how you word things. Like I mentioned previously, the word “contract” sounds cold and formal. You also want to get across this something you want to do, rather than turn it into a proposal.
Below are two examples. The first is a poor way to introduce it and the second is a better alternative.
- “Hey babe, have you ever heard about this thing called a sex contract? Couples talk about their sex lives together and make up a contract. Would you consider doing something like that?
- “Hey babe, I read about this thing where couples talk about their sex life together and make up like a list of do’s and don’ts. They include all sorts of sex related things in it. I’d love to do something like with you. ”
Can you see the difference? The first invites your partner to put an end to the discussion, whereas the second makes a statement of what you want. Wording things correctly is really important, particularly if you want something from your partner which may make them feel uncomfortable. Keep that in mind when you negotiate items on your list!
Now, a sex contract is solely between the two people who create it. Therefore, what you include is up to you. Below is a list of things for you to consider:
- Quantity of sex
- Sex dates
- Sex holidays
- Turn-ons and turn-off
- Non-intercourse activities (eg. erotic massage)
- Sexual language
- Sexual positions
- Sexual research and experimentation
- Sex toys and porn
- Spending on sex products
- Sexual function and health
- Lack of desire
- Sexual boundaries
- Relationship boundaries
- Infidelity – foundation and consequences
- Talk about emotions; including guilt, shame, trust, respect, discretion, privacy
- Contact with ex-partners
- Friends of the opposite sex
- Revisions to the contract
As you can see, a sex contract should include way more than depth than quantity and positions. It’s a tool to be able to communicate about sex with your partner, make it better and fix issues as they arise (or don’t, pardon the pun). Couples who can talk about sex have a much greater chance of working through issues which leads to a better, stronger relationship overall.
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Do you know how to give the ultimate blow job? Well, there’s not a one-size-fits-all, step-by-step guide that anyone has come up with yet that can satisfy everyone, so why bother! What we are going to tell you is if you want to make his toes curl, the ultimate tip is to talk dirty to him and ask him while you’re down there. There’s not a man alive that has said, “I wish she wouldn’t talk dirty to me.” He knows what he likes, way more than we do, so we don’t need to go there.
Instead, we’re going to offer ways to improve your performance and technique. Stuff like how your attitude affects your performance, ways to reduce that annoying gag reflex, swallowing, spiting alternatives and using peppermint – all to make the experience better, for both of you.
The No.1 way to boost your performance is in your attitude. It doesn’t matter if you suck like a damn Hoover, your man wants to feel like you are loving it down there and the entire experience is irresistible to you. Image if the tables were turned and he had a half-assed attitude, like he was doing you a favour, or worse he didn’t really want to be there and it totally grossed him out. It wouldn’t exactly be a turn-on.
If there are certain things you don’t like or want to do, you need to think about what they are. Either find a solution, get used to giving a very mediocre blow job or opt out all together and just don’t do it. Sex is about enjoyment for both of you. Your brain is your largest sex organ, so it’s no surprise that giving an incredible blow job needs to start here.
2. Reducing the gag reflex
Now we’ve covered your attitude, there’s lots that can be done to reduce the gag reflex. The key is remember to breathe! The gag reflex is primarily to stop us from choking, so if you are getting oxygen into your lungs, this will reduce it.
Remember, practice makes perfect. Some women have fixed really bad gag reflexes by practicing. The more you practice, the deeper you will be able to go. Other women have recommended throat numbing sprays, like the ones dentists use or sex products specifically designed to reduce the gag reflex. There’s a wide variety of options available.
Position is another key element. Some positions make it better, while others can make it worse. If it’s a problem for you, then finding the right position may be a solution. Also, being in control can be another factor. If your man’s hands are on your head, it takes away your control. You may need them off your head, so bind them up, then you can be in complete control of how deep and fast you go.
3. Swallowing and spitting
Oh, the million dollar question – what to do when he comes? Semen has an unusual taste and texture, so it’s a personal preference whether you swallow it or choose another option. If your man really likes you to swallow and it’s the taste that is the turn off, add some flavoured lube or tasty spread, which will reduce the flavour. Another tip is to have his penis deep in your mouth, so it basically shoots down your throat without touching your taste buds. This is where sprays might come in handy.
If the thought of swallowing is totally out of the question, don’t beat yourself up about it. There’s lots of other things you can do, just before he comes. For example; a popular one to finish him off, is by rubbing his penis between your breasts as you squeeze them together or you could finish him off with a hand job and direct him to come on your body somewhere. Mix things up a bit, get creative and don’t let the prospect of not being able to swallow be the one thing that affects your attitude.
If you want to give him a real treat, plus help with the taste, suck on a peppermint or gargle some mouthwash, just prior to your umm… performance. It will give him a tingling sensation, when it comes in contact with his delicate skin. Make sure the actual peppermint doesn’t touch the skin, because it can burn and irritate. This won’t only work for him, but will also feel similar to you so get him to try it next time he’s heading down there.
We’ve aimed to focus on the most significant things that affect performance. Of course, there’s so much more to it. If you have some secret tips you’d like to share, don’t be shy, we’d all love to hear about them.
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Couples of all ages can boost their love life with some sex toys and aids. It not only makes sex more interesting but will improve the experience for both partners. After a review of the most essential items, we’ve come up with 4 must have products which will improve sex for everyone.
These little contraptions are a great invention for couples. There are some different types but the most effective variety fits inside the vagina, stimulating the clitoris and follows the shape of the woman’s body to rest on the labia. They have been designed to please both partners during intercourse, both in and out of water. Most have been created to stay in place, despite the thrusting motion which occurs during intercourse. Some are better than others, so check out different types before you make a purchase.
Penis pumps and cock rings are often used together. Firstly, penis pumps work like a vacuum and can improve an erection; making it larger (longer and wider) and last longer. There are air and water designed pumps available and some claim to increase penis size, considerably, when used frequently. They can be used when an erection is difficult to achieve or to improve the size and duration of an erection.
Cock rings also improve performance. They are placed over the penis prior to it being erect and positioned to prolong the erection. There are heaps of different varieties; from single to multiple rings, vibrating or non-vibrating, made from different materials, glow in the dark, reusable or disposable and now they even come in various shapes. They are the ultimate little device, which can even be bought from some restroom, vending machines if you want to try them out.
Lubes and gels
Sexual lubricants are considered sex aids, rather than toys. They are available in a huge range of places including supermarkets, service stations, pharmacies, etc. There is both edible and non-edible varieties, plus new technology have developed some which provide a different sensation, when used singularly and combined. For example, the man will experience a warming sensation, while his partner will experience tingling.
For mature couples, lubes and gels are essential, as bodily fluids reduce with age particularly for menopausal and post-menopausal women. They are also exceptionally useful to use with other sex toys. If lubrication isn’t an issue, try them out anyway and play around with different types. They aren’t expensive and are great to have in your bedside table.
As you can see, sex toys are way more than vibrators and you don’t have to dive into the S&M real, to improve your sex life. Although, after Fifty Shades of Gray, bondage isn’t considered that kinky anymore. There are plenty of couples ready to give handcuffs a go!
There is, of course, a massive range available for those who are more adventurous. With new products continuously being developed, a trip or click to the adult shop is well worth another look.
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