Sexual-misadventures

Confessions Of The Damned: Have You Dated A Gay Man?

It was an ex-boyfriend’s insatiable love of watching both Sex And The City DVDs and former Australian professional racing cyclist Cadel Evans in tiny, sweaty lycra shorts during the Tour de France for hours on end which first rang alarm bells in my head.

RELATED: Great Sexual Misadventures: Why Humour Equals Hot Sex

Was I, in fact, dating a gay man, or a bi-curious one at that? I’d dated stranger, I told myself, and endeavoured to have an open mind when it came to the very handsome and very fit, body-obsessed and bathroom-hogging, new boyfriend whom I’d been dating for a month or so several years back. Perhaps he was just very metrosexual? And gender roles were becoming increasingly blurred, these days, I consoled myself.

My gay friends, of course, happily claimed him as one of their own – was my gay-dar that far off? Meanwhile, best girlfriends I’d roped in to meet “new guy” were as equally flummoxed as me. We were having sex, and lots of it, so he couldn’t possibly be gay, right? Wrong. My gay posse ala Sex and the City (pictured) were all over it, even though I didn’t want to believe it at first.

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Ah the beauty of hindsight: sure, there were other tell-tale signs, such as his extreme love of fashion and beauty (a gay stereotype if there ever was one); but ultimately it was this ex-boyfriend’s shocking reveal at my home one day which convinced me he truly was batting for the other team. Imagine my dismay, when said man appeared on my doorstep, ready to collect me for another date (did I mention he also really loved shopping?) and quickly dropped his trousers, proudly presenting me with his new crack, back ‘n’ sack waxing treatment he’d just had done. The horror!

Now, I am fully aware it’s common practice for both straight and gay men to indulge in the full-wax thing these days, but in my experience at least, it’s not something a lot of Gen-X straight men are into – and that’s my generation, baby. A best friend, who wishes to remain anonymous, strongly disagrees with me on this point, but she recently moved from Sydney to Brisbane, and spent all her singleton time in the former city, so I say she’s at least wrong re: heteros’ pubic hair habits in the sunshine state, where I’m based.

And to this day, I still don’t know what impression I ever gave said ex that that was something I’d love. For the record, I like a manly man with furry bits! And my face must have given away my utter dismay, for he exclaimed: “Don’t you like my present?” Present?! All I could do was think at the time: “Oh honey, that’s not really for me.” And so we finally had the awkward chat about his obvious gayness, to which he reluctantly confessed, and we split amicably. And thankfully, just as I myself was about to swear off the opposite sex, I met my very manly and straight, future husband not long after that.

Have you ever dated a gay or a bi-curious man too, ladies? It’s an increasingly common social phenomenon according to Sydney sexologist, Dr Michelle Mars (pictured), who specialises in the sociology of sex gender and sexual well-being.

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“Why are we becoming more bisexual? Perhaps we are just owning it more, or perhaps we are having more opportunity to play with sex and identity,” Dr Mars says. “If I had a dollar for every time anyone said ‘I’m not out at work’ to me I would be rich.

“I 100 per cent guarantee you that you know people who are gay, kinky, queer… And that you don’t know it. People who like sex and have a lot of sex are more likely to experiment with bisexuality. Pan-sexual is a good, encompassing term. It’s about being kinky, gay, bi, queer… It generally means someone who is sexually adventurous and is willing to give new things a go.”

So, why do gay men sometimes have lots of straight sex, I asked the good doctor – why bother? “Gay men sometimes have sex with women; I have gay friends who were once married, I am saying gay deliberately here as they are as far from bisexual as you can get,” Dr Mars says. “One says of his marriage, ‘The sex was okay, but men get me up quicker’, while the other just likes having sex and if there happens to be a woman involved, that’s okay too.

“Sometimes gay men date women because they haven’t yet realised they are gay or because they are gay and they want to have a family, or because there is a level of internalised homophobia that makes it not okay for them to express their gayness or to claim a gay identity.

“And often gay men have sex with women because they are curious about what it’s about. They might want to try strap-on sex or something else the woman is good at that they haven’t tried before, or they might meet a couple and be attracted to the man and end up having sex with both of them.

“I like the Robbie Williams’ song Swings Both Ways, with the lyrics:
‘Everybody swings both ways…
And after I’ve done her
Well you can do me
Oh boy’.”

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Dr Mars says recent research she did with Australia’s largest adult dating site, Adult Match Maker, which attracted more than 7600 Australian anonymous respondents, revealed that even people who aren’t interested in having sex with someone who is of a different gender to their normal partner would do it if their partner asked them to.

“As sexual identity categories soften and become more flexible, people are more likely to have a variety of different kinds of sex,” Dr Mars explains. “A gay man can have sex with a woman and still be gay. I can have sex with a gay man and it’s not heterosexual sex.

“Sex is a skill and it’s good to have sex with people who have excellent sexual prowess. After all, we learn the most about sex when we are having the best sex.”

What do you think? Have you ever dated a gay man?

Images via Huffington Post, Salon, Baller Alert

June 15, 2015

Great Sexual Misadventures: Why Humour Equals Hot Sex

Have you ever suffered a great sexual misadventure, equal parts hilarious and embarrassing? Let’s face it, sex can be pretty funny – and, at its best, it can be fun, spontaneous, messy, passionate and pleasurable.

RELATED: National Sex Survey Reveals Women’s ‘Happy Ending’ At Work

One of the greatest sexual mishaps I’ve ever heard of (but not personally encountered, thank God) is the friend-of-a-friend who once hit her head on a ceiling fan, mid sex-romp, suffering a minor, and not-so-funny, bloody head injury in the process. Her lover was very tall, you see, and obviously was so caught up in the moment and/or executed poor judgement in hoisting her up straight into a ceiling fan. Fail!

As for me, the sheer absurdity of finding Lego wedged in my hair recently, after my beloved husband and I were taken by the mood in the family living area – long after our cute, pesky toddlers were sound asleep – brought home to me the good, silly, funny side of sex and why it’s important in a long-term relationship.

Other hilarious and deeply cringe-worthy sexual misadventures I’ve heard of include: a flying, strap-on dildo-in-the-eye accident which caused a very unfortunate and painful black eye; a male friend accidently massaging Deep Heat into his poor female partner’s genitals; and oral sex gone hideously wrong when a woman attempted to suck on her lover’s penis shortly after chewing three Fisherman’s Friend lozenges. Yikes! Said poor man then ran off in horror and never came back which certainly makes for a very funny, if unfortunate story.

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And this is key: you can tell a lot about a person by their response to humorous situations, including sexual mishaps. Sure, some sexual misadventures are incredibly embarrassing, especially if you don’t know your partner very well – no arguments there – but the ability to laugh at ourselves and others in a good-natured way is a very attractive personality trait. What’s more, in this great adventure called life, you want to walk the path with someone special with whom you can enjoy a good belly laugh, right?

So, why do we make the mistake of taking sex too seriously? And why is good humour such a fundamentally important part of a healthy and happy long-term sexual relationship? For answers, I turned to my good contact, the equally hilarious and learned Sydney sexologist, Dr Michelle Mars (pictured), who specialises in the sociology of sex gender and sexual well-being.

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“Sex, an act of simple pleasure becomes a serious and contentious issue for many reasons,” Dr Mars says, “In society today, sex stands for so much. It is often the primary marker of identity – whether gay, straight, trans, married or divorced.

“These parts of identity are often tied to social standing and we often hold onto relationships well beyond their use-by-date in order to preserve our sense of self. In the process, sex becomes a serious business.

“Desire naturally changes over our life spans and ebbs and flows in the course of long-term relationships. We may no longer be attracted to our partners; become bi-curious; have children; experience work stress; suffer the death of a loved one; become sick; or just stop having sex. As a result, desire and ability to give and experience pleasure diminishes and sex becomes a humourless business. Mismatched desire, low-libido, cheating, sexual frustration and a raft of other serious issues may ensue.”

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So, if we need to inject some good, old-fashioned fun and spontaneity back into our sex lives, how do we go about this? NB: Dr Mars says while funny, sexual mishaps (pictured above, ouch!) are not always the answer.

“Sex accidents can be serious and funny, more commonly serious at the time and funny in retrospect,” she says. “The person at accident and emergency waiting for the vibrator to finish buzzing so the surgeon can remove it probably stopped laughing when it began to make its way unbidden up their anus.

“Light-heartedness in general is important; not taking things too seriously. Learning to laugh when bad things happen and moving on from mistakes enhances sex as it does other aspects of your life. A bit of humour can also be used to initiate sex and to bring a sex session that is not going so well to a close.

“Laughing brings some colour to your cheeks, just like a good orgasm. Going to bed after a good laugh is going to be more conducive to sex than watching the news! A lot of porn is quite funny, too. So, I would suggest finding a spoof of your favourite movie Edward Penishands, for example, and deciding for yourself if humour enhances sex.”

A good belly laugh plus pleasurable sex romp with your significant other is never a bad thing; go well, ladies!

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What do you think? Have you ever suffered a great sexual misadventure?

Images via someecards.com, lockerdome.com, gbaglobal.com

June 11, 2015