I have been curious about the art of tantric sex for years.
Are you under pressure from a loved one to get a porn star vagina? Do you loathe your labia and consider it to be akin to a “badly-packed kebab”? This story is for you ladies – think twice before you undergo vaginal surgery, says a leading sexpert.
The cosmetic surgery industry does a roaring trade in vaginal surgery, such as labiaplasty, but what they won’t tell you is that it’s dangerously likely to impair your sexual pleasure. So says Sydney sexologist, Dr Michelle Mars (pictured), who specialises in the sociology of sex gender and sexual well-being.
And while Dr Mars is an advocate of new, cutting-edge and non-invasive laser technology called “vaginal rejuvenation” or the “Mona Lisa Touch” treatment, which can restore vaginal tissue and even cure vaginal atrophy, she ain’t no fan of vaginal surgery, which is purely cosmetic.
For me, the concept of undergoing surgery on your perfectly lovely, normal and healthy lady bits due to societal or relationship pressure to get a porn star vagina is both ridiculous and abhorrent. Are women’s bodies so heavily scrutinised, critiqued and ridiculed that even our vaginas all have to look the same?
Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes, as do vaginas – there is no one perfect vag. And yet so many women, convinced their labias are too unsightly, big or just not Anglo porn-star enough, flock to get vaginal surgery.
Even this description of labiaplasty surgery makes me feel a bit sick in the guts: “Labiaplasty surgery is designed to reduce the size, and change the shape of the inner lips, the labia minora.” Who the hell is critiquing their own, or someone else’s inner lips? I’d wager if a man (or woman) doesn’t like the shape of your vag, it’s time to show them the door!
Dr Mars believes the porn industry is to blame for people’s screwed and unrealistic views on what constitutes the “perfect” looking vagina.
“Whether we like it or not, the vaginas we see most often are porn star vaginas: smooth, symmetrical, petite and tidy,” Dr Mars says. “There is about as much reality in porn as there is in your average action movie. Our ideas of what a vagina looks like are constructed through images of vaginas that in many cases have been surgically altered.
“This ideal perpetuates surgery demand and many people report that they feel better about their vaginas as a result. However, what you see in the chat rooms, but not in the advertising from the surgeons, is that vaginal surgery, like any surgery, often creates nerve damage. Your vagina may look ‘better’, but your sexual function may be inhibited.”
So, how can women gain a more realistic view of their vaginas and learn to love their own unique, natural beauty? Dr Mars says it’s about separating fact from fiction. Here, she dispels two popular vaginal myths.
Myth 1: All vaginas should be perfectly symmetrical and there’s something wrong with mine if it’s not.
Fact: Vaginas vary greatly in appearance, colour, shape and size, just as women’s bodies do; there is no one “perfect” vagina. All vaginas are created equal. What’s more, it’s perfectly normal to have one labia grow longer than the other.
Myth 2: If my vagina doesn’t perfectly resemble that of a blonde porn star, there’s something wrong with me and I clearly need surgery.
Fact: There is nothing wrong with you. Do your research – ask sexperts about vaginas and look at pictures of different ethnicities’ pink bits before you rush off to get surgery and do yourself some nerve damage.
Dr Mars says above all, be kind to yourself and your vagina – learn to love and appreciate what you’ve got. Women’s bodies are amazing and powerful – we can birth humans, after all.
“In 2007, in preparation for a paper I was doing at the World Sexological Conference on designer vaginas, I tried to find some everyday vaginas,” she says. “I ended up with four photos from a medical text book that I then had to take to a graphic designer so she could reverse them and change the colour and background to give the appearance of a bit of variety.
“At the conference a women talked to me about her experience of one labia growing longer than the other at puberty and how after much begging, her mother had agreed to surgery. She wished she had known it was normal.
“I have had clients come to see me about this too. One gorgeous, young woman came to see me about her errant labia. When I said: ‘Oh you mean the badly packed-kebab – lots of labia are like that – she burst out laughing and left a much happier woman.”
Ladies – please love your vaginas. That is all.
Images via gizmodo.com, cosmopolitan.com
Do you know how to give the ultimate blow job? Well, there’s not a one-size-fits-all, step-by-step guide that anyone has come up with yet that can satisfy everyone, so why bother! What we are going to tell you is if you want to make his toes curl, the ultimate tip is to talk dirty to him and ask him while you’re down there. There’s not a man alive that has said, “I wish she wouldn’t talk dirty to me.” He knows what he likes, way more than we do, so we don’t need to go there.
Instead, we’re going to offer ways to improve your performance and technique. Stuff like how your attitude affects your performance, ways to reduce that annoying gag reflex, swallowing, spiting alternatives and using peppermint – all to make the experience better, for both of you.
Let us introduce, the Ultimate Oral Sex guide.
The No.1 way to boost your performance is in your attitude. It doesn’t matter if you suck like a damn Hoover, your man wants to feel like you are loving it down there and the entire experience is irresistible to you. Image if the tables were turned and he had a half-assed attitude, like he was doing you a favour, or worse he didn’t really want to be there and it totally grossed him out. It wouldn’t exactly be a turn-on.
If there are certain things you don’t like or want to do, you need to think about what they are. Either find a solution, get used to giving very mediocre oral sex, or opt out all together and just don’t do it. Sex is about enjoyment for both of you. Your brain is your largest sex organ, so it’s no surprise that giving an incredible blow job needs to start here.
2. Reducing the gag reflex
Now we’ve covered your attitude, there’s lots that can be done to reduce the gag reflex. The key is remember to breathe! The gag reflex is primarily to stop us from choking, so if you are getting oxygen into your lungs, this will reduce it.
Remember, practice makes perfect. Some women have fixed really bad gag reflexes by practicing. The more you practice, the deeper you will be able to go. Other women have recommended throat numbing sprays, like the ones dentists use or sex products specifically designed to reduce the gag reflex. There’s a wide variety of options available.
Position is another key element. Some positions make it better, while others can make it worse. If it’s a problem for you, then finding the right position may be a solution. Also, being in control can be another factor. If your man’s hands are on your head, it takes away your control. You may need them off your head, so bind them up, then you can be in complete control of how deep and fast you go.
3. Swallowing and spitting
Oh, the million dollar question – what to do when he comes? Semen has an unusual taste and texture, so it’s a personal preference whether you swallow it or choose another option. If your man really likes you to swallow and it’s the taste that is the turn off, add some flavoured lube or tasty spread, which will reduce the flavour. Another tip is to have his penis deep in your mouth, so it basically shoots down your throat without touching your taste buds. This is where sprays might come in handy.
If the thought of swallowing is totally out of the question, don’t beat yourself up about it. There’s lots of other things you can do, just before he comes. For example; a popular one to finish him off, is by rubbing his penis between your breasts as you squeeze them together or you could finish him off with a hand job and direct him to come on your body somewhere. Mix things up a bit, get creative and don’t let the prospect of not being able to swallow be the one thing that affects your attitude.
If you want to give him a real treat, plus help with the taste, suck on a peppermint or gargle some mouthwash, just prior to oral sex. It will give him a tingling sensation when it comes in contact with his delicate skin. Make sure the actual peppermint doesn’t touch the skin, because it can burn and irritate. This won’t only work for him, but will also feel similar to you, so get him to try it next time he’s heading down there.
We’ve aimed to focus on the most significant things that affect performance. Of course, there’s so much more to it. If you have some secret tips you’d like to share, don’t be shy, we’d all love to hear about them.
Image via http://www.sexverhalensite.nl
Want deeper, better, more earth-shatteringly good orgasms this summer? For starters, don’t make like Meg Ryan’s character in the hilarious 1989 US romantic comedy When Harry Met Sally (pictured) and fake your way to glory.
Instead, summer is a prime time to get more in touch with your sensuality and take charge of your own sexual pleasure so as to get bigger, better Os, says leading Australian sexologist Dr Nikki Goldstein (pictured below). Here, the good doctor gives SHESAID readers her top three tips for better orgasms this summer:
Tip 1: Get more vitamin D, girlfriend
“I think summer is a sexier time of year than the other seasons because of vitamin D,” Dr Goldstein says. “We are outside more, getting more sun, and often happier because we have more hours of daylight, so I really do think that contributes to a happy, energetic and sexy mood. That’s why we have the summer romance, it’s a sexier time!”
Tip 2: Exercise your mind and body
Dr G is a big believer in exercising your mind and body to get a better orgasm. “When women are fit and healthy and more positive about their bodies they are more able to feel good about being sexual and get out of their heads and enjoy the experience,” Dr G says. And don’t forget to exercise those all-important pelvic floor muscles, either! “Exercises that work every part of the body, including the PC muscles, can help with increasing the intensity of orgasms,” she says.
“But exercising the mind, too, is a powerful tool. Being able to meditate, relax and breathe can greatly help women with their mental pleasure zones and assist them to once again switch off and enjoy the experience.”
Tip 3: Take charge of your sexual pleasure
Is it a man’s responsibility to get us off? Dr G says a big no. “One of the biggest myths is that a man should be able to deliver an orgasm to a woman on a silver platter,” she says.
“It can be to have a handy partner in the bedroom who knows his way around, but it’s also important women take change of their sexual pleasure and understand how their body works too.
“Being able to tell your partner what gets you over the edge is really important and also taking pressure of him to ensure the big O can help him enjoy the experience with you instead of worrying about what he might not be able to do.”
Main image via fanpop.com, secondary image via www.pixabay.com