Because peer pressure belongs in high school.
“Who ever loved that loved not at first sight?” – William Shakespeare, As You Like it.
Some people fall in love with the swiftness of an electric shock, while for others it’s more of a slow burn. But does love at first sight actually exist – or is it merely the stuff of fairytales?
Cynics say people confuse intense sexual attraction with love at first sight; that it takes both time and knowledge to really deeply know and therefore love someone. But if you’ve ever felt something akin to a lightening bolt, or a quickening of your heartbeat and a sharp intake of breath at the mere sight of someone, is this not a prime example of love at first sight?
This is exactly how I felt the moment I met my husband, and at the end of our very first date, we enjoyed a passionate, old Hollywood-style kiss in the street, completely oblivious to passers-by. He was intoxicating: I couldn’t get enough of him and I’d certainly never experienced such a strong meeting of the minds and physical attraction like this with anyone else.
Happily, he felt the same: within six months we were living together and then married and pregnant with our first child within two years of this meeting. In fact, in hindsight, it seemed like we’d been quite cautious and overly careful in waiting that long; I knew this man was my true life partner and the future father of my children very early on.
And if we look to pop culture, take TV reality dating show The Bachelor Australia – while an unrealistic setting – it does show in vivid technicolour that it’s possible to have incredible chemistry with someone the minute you meet them. This year’s Bachelor Sam Wood, aka Woody, as I like to call him, seems to have experienced love at first sight with both front-runner Heather and now with newcomer, “intruder” Lana in particular.
Love at first sight is why I also think you shouldn’t ever judge someone’s love timing. When my own mother found true love for the second time at age 63, and was engaged and married to her now-husband in just over a year, I remember being skeptical and worried at first. Who was I to judge? How hypocritical was I? Didn’t my own love connection with my husband very quickly change everything in the blink of an eye? I guess I was feeling a tad overprotective. And here’s the thing: friends and family might caution you to be careful, but you know true love when you find it.
There’s no right or wrong way to fall in love; it can occur at first sight as well as on the second or the third meeting, or even several years down the road. But I believe love at first sight can and does exist, even if some of us are lucky enough to have several soul mates in one lifetime. Meeting your soul mate for the first time is something so delicious, exquisite and wonderful we all deserve to experience it.
What do you think? Have you experienced love at first sight?
Images via Mirror.co.uk, Bluelabellife.com.au
Calling all single ladies: do you think you should be dating a certain type of man? Has your family and/or friends conditioned you into thinking you can’t be romantically or sexually interested in say, someone from a different socio-economic group than you?
Well, think again: you could be denying yourself an amazing connection and/or a life partner, if that’s what you’re looking for, because love comes in many different guises. You might think you should be only dating white-collar businessmen, while in reality, your perfect match could be a farmer, carpenter or dance instructor.
And while it’s true that dating someone from a similar background to you can certainly make relationships easier in certain respects, if you’re struggling to break bad dating habits like always choosing the wrong kind of man, dating beyond your usual “type” may be the answer.
Relationship counsellors strongly suggest single women try to keep an open mind when it comes to dating and go on lots of dates to find out who and what really blows your hair back. Break the cycle of always dating the same kind of guy; it might be challenging and confronting to try something new, but you never know what might come out of it. In addition, discomfort often equals personal growth.
When I was growing up, some of my best friends at the time were taught to only date “white collar” men. I’ve never adhered to this belief myself, despite a middle-class upbringing – in fact, I think it’s narrow-minded bullshit. However, it took me until my late 20s myself to realise dating high-earning IT types really wasn’t making me happy (see dropped pie face pictured above) and so I started to look outside of my usual preferences in a man.
I didn’t change my list of core values I was looking for in a life partner – such as kindness, compassion, self-respect and a strong work ethic – I just stopped having such a strict list of rules on who he might be and where he might work. And the result? I fell madly in love with a professional musician, with whom I’m now married and have two kids.
When we met, his career was taking off and he was just as busy as I was but – more importantly – he was creative, passionate, emotionally available and really into the idea of getting married and having kids too. I had broken the cycle of only dating career-obsessed, white-collar types far more interested in partying, computers and/or making money than in a long-term future with me.
And if we look to a popular fictional example: did Carrie in Sex and the City (pictured) make the biggest mistake of her life, pardon the pun, when she let Aiden – he of the sexy, manly and earthy carpenter goodness – go in favour of suave, but cold Mr Big? Yes, I truly believe so (I’ll debate this until the day I die). Sure, Mr Big is hot and flashy, but Aiden could have given Carrie a lovely, stable future and kids too, if she ever decided she wanted them.
So, are you dating the wrong kind of man, too? Do you know what your goals are and do the men you’re dating actually match this and measure up? Relationship experts say be as realistic, flexible and open-hearted as you can when man-hunting in the dating game and you can’t go wrong.
What do you think? Do you need to date outside of your usual type?
Images via huffingtonpost.com, ayi.com, zimbio.com
Looking for a datable man and continue to attract the do-able variety? Well there is a secret between the do-able and datable man and it’s high time single ladies knew the difference. It’s not about how hot he is and it’s not about the amount of money in his bank account. The do-able man might have everything you want on the surface, but under that attractive exterior you just may find there’s something seriously missing.
The first thing you need to look at is if the man you’re interested in has loyalty. The stats suggest that one third of people cheat and for many of us this is a deal breaker. So, will this potential partner cheat on you? There’s the million dollar question! I’ve been round the block a few times and there’s a fairly easy way to tell if you’ve got a loyal man in front of you, or if you’ve got a player.
For one: the do-able man will lie, while the datable man will be honest. Sure, the datable man may not have the gift of the gab and may stubble around his words a little, but that’s not the only indicator; so it’s about looking past the words and seeing if they have any merit. For example: is that awesome car out there really his – and just as importantly, did he really pay for it? Or is it his mates in which he is passing off as his own, or perhaps a gift from mum and dad and he’s basically using it as bait to get you into the sack. Hey, this stuff really happens – and what’s more, it happens more times than you think!
Apart from being truthful, loyalty can be seen in how they treat the people around them, starting with how they are with their friends. You probably won’t see eligible men with family members until later, so close friends are the next best indicator. You need to ask yourself: are they respectful, kind, truthful and thoughtful? Or do they come off like an arrogant a-hole even if they say it’s just in fun. There is a difference in how loyal men treat their friends and it’s a great indication of how this man will treat his lady. Particularly if the lady in question ends up being you.
The second and most significant thing to remember is that words are only words, ladies! A datable man will back his words with his behaviour pretty much every time. The do-able man won’t. For example: did he really lose your phone number after a date or a hook up only to never get in contact again, or did he move hell and high water to reach you in some way, shape, or form because he really wanted to see you again?
The datable man will do that even after a woman has had sex with them. Ladies who find themselves chasing after some man no matter what hard luck story they’ve been given are just kidding themselves. You clearly mean less to him then you’d prefer, and in these situations, women set themselves up for a fall.
Lastly, an interested man will track you down, want to spend time with you and will treat you like a princess no matter what obstacles stand in his way. Whether it be distance, finance, relationship status, whatever; just ask any male you know if this is true and you’ll find that this is the case in most datable men. Once a datable man has his sights set on you and you would like to start a relationship, nothing will hold him back. Nope! Not even if he’s shy. It may take him a bit longer to get around to it, but eventually most datable men will go after what they most desire.
That’s when you know you have a datable man in front of you. The do-able man may have everything on the checklist like the looks, the car, the job and the bank balance, but seriously, how many of them are there that have everything you really want? The datable guy probably won’t, but if you find a man with honestly, respect and loyalty, you’ll have a pretty happy life together.
Image via persuasivelitigator.com
You’ve been happily single, but sexually starved for what feels like forever – then, bam! You meet a partner who ignites your passion, excites your mind and, even better, he’s just as enamoured with you.
Indeed, your connection is so strong, you feel as though you’ve known each other for years and you can barely keep your hands off each other. In the age-old battle between vagina Vs brain: which should win? Should you have first-date sex or wait it out, lest he’s only interested in one thing?
For centuries, women’s sexuality has been strictly controlled, reined in and frowned upon. Young men are encouraged to “sew their wild oats”, while we women are instead traditionally taught to behave like ladies and learn to suppress and overrule our perfectly normal wanton desires, lest men view us as immoral and promiscuous.
Well, I say to the hell with that! I was always more team Samantha (pictured) than team Carrie in Sex and the City, with the much more neurotic latter famously never having first-date sex – until she met Mr. Big, that is. Samantha, by contrast, always seemed a lot happier.
And as Samantha once quipped, in reference to the archaic views in 1995 self-help dating book, The Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right: “The women who wrote that book, they wrote it because they couldn’t get laid. So they constructed this whole bullshit theory to make women who can get laid feel bad.”
Amen! And that’s the thing, why should women alone bear shame for having first-date sex? Doesn’t it take two to tango?
I say don’t buy into the sexist bullshit that decrees women are somehow unworthy if you do decide to have sex on the first date. And I’m not saying leave your brain at home – always make sure it’s safe sex, in a secure situation, on your own terms – but let’s take the humiliation and indignity out of the equation.
Women who do have first-date sex are not sluts (oh, how I hate that word – where is the male equiavalent?!) and supposed “walk of shame” be damned! What’s more, if you do get busy on the first date with a new man, and he never calls you back the next day and/or goes AWOL, isn’t that a true blessing?
You’ve dodged a bullet, sister; he’s nowhere near good enough for you. Let him, and his backward, sexist views, not even be a tiny speck in your universe.
And here’s the big thing ladies: if you’re fortunate enough to meet the love of your life, does it really matter when you actually do the deed? I highly doubt it: if it’s the right person, it all falls into place, in the blink of an eye.
Confession time: My husband and I had sex on our third date, over a three-week period, and it was amazing. But I fancied the pants off him right away and would have happily had sex sooner, if circumstances permitted.
After a string of dating disasters, including a crazy stalker, I’d insisted on public dates with him for safety reasons and it wasn’t until our third date that I took him back to my place.
But even if we had have had first-date sex, I firmly believe we’d still be together to this day, seven years after meeting at a live music venue. I think we were always destined to get married and have babies, regardless of when we did the deed.
So, I believe if you set yourself a rigid set of dating rules – like only having sex on the third date, for example, you’re just cheating yourself out of a lot of laughs, good times, life lessons and a hell of a lot of orgasms.
I really think you have to judge when you have sex with a new partner on how you feel, at the time. So, maybe it’s really a case of heart + vagina overrules head?
Leading Australian sexologist Dr Nikki Goldstein, herself a sexy, young singleton, agrees there shouldn’t be set rules when it comes to the exact right time to have sex with a new partner.
“I think you have to assess each situation and be aware of the consequences,” she says. “He may be testing you to see if you are relationship material ala the Madonna-whore complex. You might then find the relationship slipping into a booty call/casual hook-up rather than a relationship.
“And then another consequence of first-date sex might be the classic he-never-calls-you-back post-sex because he’s got what he wanted.
“It’s a difficult one – but you don’t want to be with a man who judges you. Just bear in mind some guys are really old-fashioned at heart and would be put off by a girl who was up for sex on the first date.”
But Dr Nikki is quick to point out that sometimes first-date sex can be magical and lead to a relationship, despite the supposed risks. “I’ve got friends who’ve waited and friends who are happily married who had sex on their very first date,” she says. “If it’s right – if there’s a real connection – it doesn’t really matter when you have sex.
“Sometimes, women can feel enough connection and spark that you want to have first-date sex.
“There is nothing wrong with a girl who feels comfortable enough in her own skin to have sex on the first date – as long as it’s for the right reasons and not as a self-esteem boost.
“Women are just as sexual (if not more) than men – it’s just that society encourages them to inhibit and hide their sexual desires.”
However, Dr Nikki also advises that sometimes sex can be even more mind-blowing after intimacy has been pre-established. “Sex is often better when it’s something to look forward to,” she says. “You could try establishing an emotional connection first – it’s a hard one – a balancing act.”
For more information on Dr Goldstein, visit drnikki.com.au.
What do you think? Does first-date sex blow your hair back?
Main image via www.stephanspeaks.com; secondary image via www.fanpop.com and cartoon via www.someecards.com. Other images supplied
Women have been warned about looking for love in places like pubs, clubs or some online dating websites. Sorry, but it’s bull###! Finding love can and does happen anywhere. If there’s an attraction there, why should it matter where you find it?
If you been putting yourself out there looking for love but keep striking out, it’s more likely your expectations rather than the environment are sabotaging your search for Mr Right. You’re liking finding Mr Right-Now but lets face it, he’s not exactly hiding. Just add alcohol to any Tom, Dick or Harry and there he is! Sorry fellas, but you know it’s true.
When it comes to finding the “one”, there really isn’t a right or wrong place as many people are led to believe. For example, if you’re not a church goer (where people do recommend finding a good man) you’re not going to find anything in common with most men you find there anyway. How on earth can he even come close to being the right guy for you then? In all honesty he can’t. Not unless you suddenly change your entire lifestyle and that’s just ridiculous.
If you are meeting people in pubs, clubs or bars but haven’t been happy with the outcome of the relationships you’re finding there, you probably need to change your game plan. You’ve likely been doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. So many people fall into this trap. Only when you change your behaviour will you manage to change the outcome. Make sense?
So for one, if you are finding some companionship when you’re somewhere “wrong”, that’s half the battle. The second half of the battle is what you do with that companionship when you find it. Not all men are the same. Yes, of course if it’s dangled in front of them most of them will take it. Men are hunters, that’s what they do, but ultimately they are after the challenge whether they know it or not!! Plus, it’s incredible how persistent they can be when they really want something. There’s not need to chase because if a man is interested, he’ll usually come to you.
Basically if you are wanting more than a quick fling, a night of passion or a two date romance then plan for it. Resign the fact that you won’t be hooking up with strangers or casual acquaintances and make it clear what you are looking for. Don’t settle for less no matter how studly he is! Guys talk ladies, so it soon gets around who they can hook up with and who they can’t. Men don’t want someone long term, who will go home with anyone at the click of their fingers. There’s no challenge in that.
When word gets out that you’re a challenge and not easy pickings you’ll actually get way more attention. Be aware of how you present yourself and don’t aim to be the sexiest or hottest girl there either. You want to be alluring, not intimidating. Also, aim for the less is more look with your make up but not your clothing. You don’t want the way you look to scream one-night-stand when what you really want is a relationship. Men aren’t stupid, they know the difference.
While you’re getting this extra attention, work out who is there for what reason and you should be able to find someone who is looking for a similar relationship to you. People tend to forget that it really doesn’t matter where you find love. I met my long term partner in a very “wrong” place. (No I’m not sharing, it’s embarrassing how wrong it was!)
Plus, how will women find out who they have in front of them, if they continue to make assumptions about a mans motives? Just because you are both in the “wrong” place, doesn’t mean neither of you will find love there. You just might need to search a little harder and be a bit pickier.
Despite the fact that men do go to pubs and clubs or search online for a hook up, there are also plenty of very decent men there who maybe simply too shy to approach a lady or not after a fling at all. You won’t find that out unless you give some or at least one of them a chance. Be choosey, change your game plan and find the one searching for something more substantial and just killing time until you show up. It’s not easy out there, but if you play your cards right you’ll come out a winner!
Image via rockpele.com
Being single over Christmas isn’t necessarily a bad thing. All that free time, all those parties… In fact Christmas is a fantastic time of year for singletons! Here are 10 amazing things you can do to really enjoy the festive season…
If you are looking to meet someone, there are plenty of speed dating events going on around this time of year. If you do meet someone then you have a whole range of parties and activities to choose from when it comes to that second date.
Cocktail master class
Something to do alone or with friends, this is a great way to get into the festive spirit. Try making eggnog, mulled cider or perhaps even Buck’s Fizz with a hint of rum. You won’t struggle to find cocktail classes in your area, or you could just set up your own cocktail session in your kitchen with a couple of your best friends.
Either log online to Mecca Bingo or get yourself to a bingo hall. It’s a great chance to make friends, have fun and perhaps even win a little money.
Dinner with friends
A quiet dinner with friends can be the perfect time to catch up, exchange gifts and have a laugh. Give yourself plenty of time to do this over the Christmas period as this time of the year is exactly when you should be thankful for family and friends.
Movie and popcorn
Whether it’s alone, with family or with friends, take some time out to watch a movie. It might be a Christmas favourite such as Love Actually or it might be a must-see blockbuster. Whatever you choose, make sure you’re fully stocked up on drinks and sweets before settling down
Homemade gifts are the best kind so take some time to bake during the festive period. Baked goodies can be handed out to friends, family and colleagues or they can simply be enjoyed at home. Try cinnamon cookies, peppermint cremes and mince pies.
A brisk winter walk does wonders for your health. Not only will it get your heart pumping but is a great way to keep on top of all those extra calories you’ll probably eat over the Christmas period.
Take up a new hobby
Use your time off this Christmas to take up a new hobby. Perhaps it’s time to try ice skating or maybe you want to attempt knitting a new scarf. Whatever you choose, dedicate some time to your new found hobby and have fun while you learn a new skill.
Always wanted to write that novel or work on your autobiography? Now is the time. Spend at least 20 minutes every morning writing. Even if you don’t have any concrete ideas, just taking some time to let your creative juices flow can really spark some ideas.
Go on holiday
With no family ties, you can get away with travelling at Christmas more than you might be able to if you had a partner and kids to consider. Jet off somewhere sunny and spend Christmas Day soaking up rays by a pool or on the beach. There are plenty of places to choose from but the Caribbean is particularly good at this time of the year.
As you can see, there’s plenty to do as a singleton over the Christmas period.
Most men are reluctant about using condoms, but we have a naughty little skill which may be just the thing to change his mind. Hey, if you have to use them, you may as well use them to your advantage, right! Give him a treat and apply it with your mouth. It’s highly recommended for oral sex as well as intercourse.
With so many varieties and flavors on the market, why not have a bit of fun with them. It’s a lot like turning the humble condom into a playful little sex toy. Go for a flavored variety and add your own edible lube otherwise you will end up with a really awful taste in your mouth. There’s nothing sexy about a mouth full of sickly tasting goo!
Now, don’t assume this is going to be easy. You’ll need to practice so grab some cheap condoms because you’ll probably rip a few. There’s a real art to it. After you’ve mastered it, then you can experiment with different varieties. If you start by using ribbed ones, you’ll probably be a bit out of your league. Keep it simple and work toward the tricky stuff later. Seriously, don’t forget edible lube. This makes the condom much easier to apply and provides extra sensitivity for him.
1. Use your hands to take the condom out of the wrapper. Ripping it open with your teeth can puncture it. Yeah, it’s sexy, but it’s a no-no.
2. Unroll it slightly, taking notice of which way it’s unrolling. It needs to unroll as you lower your mouth, so make sure you have it the right way round. Practice this before you put it in your mouth because if it’s the wrong way around, you’ll have to start again.
3. Apply some lube to your lips, inside the tip of the condom and to the tip of your man’s penis. Like we said it does make it easier to apply and make it more sensitive for him, plus it prevents it from breaking.
4. Pinch the tip before you put it in your mouth. If you place it snugly over the top of his penis, there will be nowhere for the semen to go later.
5. This is when you put it in your mouth. This image should help you understand the positioning.
6. Suck the tip in slightly and hold it in place by putting it behind your teeth using your tongue.
7. Now that you have it in place, lower your mouth to the head of his penis. You can use a hand to hold his penis so you are in charge of what’s going on.
8. In one swift motion, lower your mouth so the condom unrolls over his penis. Your lips will basically do the work as you lower your mouth. This motion should unroll the condom and position it correctly. Make sure you keep hold of the tip to keep it empty.
9. Use your tongue to flatten the tip of the condom onto the tip of his penis, leaving room for his ejaculation.
10. Position the condom properly using your mouth and tongue, should it not be sitting correctly.
11. If this isn’t working, use your other hand to position it correctly.
12. Add more lube and you are done!
This will get easier with practice. You might find a way that works better for you, because it is a bit tricky keeping the tip in your mouth as you unroll it with your lips. If you find it gets stuck, add more lube.
Try to keep your teeth out of it. Some people use their teeth to unroll it or position it, but when you use your teeth there is a much greater chance of ripping it.
Lastly, give him plenty of eye contact throughout the entire process. Position yourself so he can see what’s going on. Men enjoy visual stimulation, so make a performance and you’ll never have any protest using condoms ever again!
Image via m4.biz.itc.cn/pic/new/x580/31/86/Img6428631_x580.jpg
Let’s face it, just because you’re single does not mean your sex life should be on hiatus. This is the time to get in tune with your body, learn some new tricks and what turns you on. Better sex is right around the corner!
1. Treat yourself to a new toy
The best way to improve your sex life as a solo lady is to invest in a collection of trusted sex toys. Look at some of our favourite new sex toys, including the Leaf. The unique design of this toy is conveniently curved, evoking a strong sensation that will really rock your world. Plus, it’s environmentally-friendly!
Your solo sessions are time to explore what kind of stimulation you like best: soft and slow, hard and fast…Some women go gaga over clitoral stimulation, while others prefer pressure on the G-spot – or both sensations!
2. Watch something frisky
Porn for women is becoming more and more popular. Many women are also becoming more concerned with ethics in pornography, turning to options that avoid exploiting women for the benefit of men. In truth, there are many videos on the market that showcase healthy sexuality.
3. Fall in love with yourself
As cheesy as it may sound, learning to love your own body is your ticket to sexual freedom. Stop targeting your problem areas and focus on all the beauty your body possesses. Put an end to those inhibitions that keep you from truly enjoying yourself during sex – and watch your general confidence bloom.
4. Tighten up
Did you know that there are exercises you can do to improve your sex life? You’ve probably heard of Kegel exercises, which support the bladder and uterus, but also tighten the walls of the vagina. The tighter the walls of the vagina, the deeper they can contract. This leads to deeply-satisfying orgasms.
You can do Kegel exercises anywhere, just by tightening and holding for 10 seconds, then releasing and repeating. Or you can try it while doing plies. To perform this exercise, simply stand with your feet wide apart, toes pointed outwards. Bend your knees wide, tighten, and push back to starting position.General strength training has its own benefits. Lifting weights increases testosterone, a hormone responsible for your sex drive.
5. Learn some new moves
Let’s be honest – one-night stands are a great opportunity to practice a few new moves geared towards improving your orgasm. The standard moves – missionary and doggy style – can only do so much.One of the best ways to get that intense G-spot sensation is to rest your ankles on your partner’s shoulders. The deep penetration is ideal for female orgasm, especially if you encourage your partner to play with your other erogenous zones.
Fess up: what is your secret single behaviour? Tell us in the comments!
Thinking of dipping your toe into the online dating pool? It can be scary and intimidating, but luckily these days more and more couples are meeting online. In fact, more than 10% of people meet their partner through online dating!
But where do you start? After riffling through your Facebook albums looking for the perfect profile pic, and creating a profile that’s just the right side of honest, witty and funny, you need to know which dating sites to use. Believe us, we’ve been there, and just like real-life dating, there’s the good, the bad and the ugly. Here are three of Australia’s best dating sites that you should try – hey, you never know!
OkCupid is one of Australia’s biggest dating sites, and there are plenty of hotties on this one. We compared a stack of dating sites and found OkCupid has an impressive amount of good-looking guys. You can search by age and location, with lovely big profile pics so you don’t have to guestimate what your date will look like. It’s also one of the best dating sites for gay and bisexual singles.
Plenty of Fish is one of the most popular free dating sites in the world with over 40 million worldwide users, with a huge number of Aussie users. Because of sheer amount of numbers that this site gets, it makes for plenty of opportunities to find people that you might be compatible with. The site might be no-frills but it makes browsing super quick and easy. Start by filling out their POF Relationship Chemistry Predictor test to be matched up with other singles with similar personality traits.
Match.com is huge both here in Australia and the world, and claims that more online relationships start from their site than any other. In fact, it’s hard to find someone that hasn’t used it – hey, even Martha Stewart used Match.com! What’s great is that you can browse by more than just age and location, but also ethnicity and faith, so if those features are important to you, this is a great place to start.
What are the best dating sites you’ve used? Share them in the comments!
Starting a new relationship? It’s a time filled with excitement, nerves, butterflies, and expectations. The beginning of a relationship plays a major part in whether it lasts. Effective communication, maintaining your own identity, and leaving the past behind are all important pieces of relationship advice to consider when embarking on a new relationship.
Don’t dwell on the past
There’s a fine line that can easily be crossed when discussing former lovers. Unless you are both completely comfortable with talking about it, leave the past just there – in the past. This includes digging around behind his back (hello, Facebook!). Just like you, he had a life before he met you. Consider previous relationships a stepping stone of unique experiences preparing each of you for one another. Focus on the present and future, rather than find reasons to not make the emotional investment.
Avoid rushing into the relationship too soon. A great first date does not automatically signal a serious commitment. Pushing boundaries too early shows signs of being clingy or possessive, whether it is true or not. It is okay to voice an interest in moving forward together without approaching it as an immediate necessity. Value your own time without your new partner and you won’t be so dependant on them.
Learn to adjust
Any longterm couple knows the value of mutual compromise. Nagging about irritating behaviours is not the best way to approach or deal with an issue. Explain the problem, such as leaving dirty clothes on the bathroom floor, rather than yelling at them as though they are a child. He may dislike the way you leave dishes in the sink overnight, where you do not see it as an issue. Both of you should put in an equal amount of effort and compromise. In the end, you may end up picking up his socks while he does the dishes every night. No matter what, a little compromise and adjusting is the sign of a mature relationship.
Communicate often and effectively
The silent treatment may have seemed to be an effective way to communicate anger when you were a teenager. But in order to make a relationship work, there must be effective communication between both partners. Speak up when there is a problem, and do not hold in frustrations until they boil over. At times that there is a real argument, stick to the real issue rather than nitpicking him as a person. No one wants to feel insulted or inferior to their partner due to poor communication. Respect each other, even during disagreements.
Don’t sacrifice yourself
A common mistake that many women in a new relationship make is adjusting for the man too easily. From pretending to like the same things like sports, to downplaying their own interests or goals, the key to growing a strong relationship is being yourself. And don’t forget your friends at the start of a new relationship, either.
What’s your best relationship advice for a new relationship?
Let’s face it – everyone likes a hot date: the wine, the soft lighting, the excuse to indulge. But why wait for someone else to take you out? Here’s how to have the best date night ever – with yourself.
As Oscar Wilde once said, “To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” So rather than a night out in uncomfortable heels making boring small-talk, wondering if he’ll pay or you’ll end up going Dutch…why not spend a night in spoiling that special certain someone – you.
Slip into something more comfortable
We all know the date night classic line “let me slip into something more comfortable” and those baggy, faded sweatpants are just the trick. Whether it’s for work or our social life we often spend so much time making sure we look ‘just right’, but on date night you don’t have to. By snuggling up in your favourite fluffy socks and wearing that eight-year-old Elmo t-shirt (sans bra), you get to escape the critical eye of the outside world and can just relax and enjoy being super comfy. After all, there’s something luxurious (and glamorous) about giant knickers and a headband. And just like wearing the right gym-gear can make you keen for a workout, so too can changing into your loved-and-lived-in pajamas help you change gears and unwind.
Indulge in something delicious
Dinner and a movie is a date night tradition, but when you’re spoiling yourself, keep the indulgence – but save yourself the hassle of venturing out. Take a moment to think about what your favourite foods and flicks are without pandering to someone else’s dietary requirements or obsession with Wolverine. It’s an opportunity to really enjoy yourself, so don’t stress about calories in the camembert or the cost of the Chianti and just go with what feels good.
For me – it’s the ultimate Holy Trinity: Ben, Jerry and Ryan Gosling (ice cream and eye candy? I’m only human). I love a bit of girl-power in films, so anything from Bridget Jones to Easy A is a winner. Otherwise, get stuck in with a marathon series of Downton Abbey or Girls.
Films not your thing? Then snuggle up with a good book. Just because it’s date night doesn’t mean you have to read a Mills and Boon but I can’t think of a better solo date than a glass of wine, candles and a fab read while Rod Stewart croons away in the background.
Studies have shown that reading is one of the most effective ways of beating stress – and when combined with other spoils you’re bound to feel the benefits. Reading is also shown to encourage a good night’s sleep, so perfect TLC if you’re feeling rundown. My latest favourite is A Casual Vacancy, J.K Rowling’s village drama.
Pamper your date
If you’re the productive type, this is the perfect time to catch up on a little beauty maintenance. Something as simple as a face steam over a bowl of almost-boiling water and lemon wedges followed by a clay mask can do wonders for your complexion while helping you feel languid and lovely. Paint your nails, shape your brows, rub some fancy oils into your cuticles; do whatever that makes you feel divine.
And skip the guilt because it’s not all aesthetic benefits, studies have shown that taking care of yourself work to nurture your self esteem and sense of self, which beyond making you feel great, has positive effects on both stress levels and depression.
So for the best date ever, stay in with a super-hottie – you.
Kate Jones blogs about writing and pop culture at Calvicle Capitalism.
First dates are nervous. That’s no lie. However, with some dating help, you can totally get back into the dating scene without having a meltdown beforehand. Dating is supposed to be enjoyable, so relax. Breathe. Follow these dating tips that will get you through the butterflies of the first date and if you like them, hopefully a second date!
The first thing you need to decide is what you are going to wear. Dress for the date: if you go to a movie wearing a little black dress and sky-high stilettos, you may give off the wrong impression (high maintenance, much?). Look amazing but dress for whatever it is that you’ve planned for the date.
There is nothing worse than having a date with someone who can’t make a decision. You may believe that leaving decisions up to the other person is polite or flattering, but being completely indecisive can work against you when it comes to the first date (and beyond). Take action and take control. If there are some options for activities handed to you, pick one! It will save the hassle of going back and forth asking, “Well, I don’t know…what do you want to do?”
Tell him about you – and listen
The conversion throughout the date should be equal. Let him tell you about himself, and you do the same. Don’t only throw a ton of questions at him like he’s being interrogated. Let him know what you are all about as well. Be gregarious and charismatic and share funny stories. Be honest but remember to have fun and don’t take yourself too seriously.
Oh, that moment when the bill comes. Are they going to pay for it? Should you? What if we go splits? Seems like everyone has an opinion (just read the comments in our recent article Who Should Pay on the First Date?). Stop the questions buzzing through your head and handle the bill gracefully. What we suggest is waiting for him to make a move for it and when he does, reach for your purse and see how he reacts.If he insists on paying, then of course, don’t argue with him and simply say thank you. If he doesn’t pay for it, split the bill and pay for half.
The next day
After the first date, the worst thing that you can do is blow up his phone with text messages and phone calls. Let him come to you. There is nothing sexy about being classified as a “Stage 5 Clinger”. If a man is interested, they will get in touch with you. If he didn’t have fun, move on to the next and don’t worry about reaching out to him.
What are your best first date tips?
Folks who are over it won’t be reading this article. Because they are over it. The very recently dumped will be typing ‘getting over a break-up’ into Google and be on page twenty-six of the search results. Just in case they missed the secret to getting over it faster. They are tired of reading ‘time heals all wounds,’ and want this feeling gone by the weekend, or at least by Christmas. I’m afraid time doesn’t do all the work for you. If you’ve ever listened to someone talk about their difficult break-up, only to find out it happened eight or nine years ago, you know time doesn’t give a rat’s arse about your loss.
I think I have some advice about getting over your break-up, but it’s going to be messy and you might want to lay a towel on the floor.
It’s possible you ended the relationship…it still doesn’t mean you are over it. If you’re the one who got dumped, you can double the recovery period but oh, the victory will be yours in the end. It might have happened twenty years ago or last week. You know you’re over it when you stop wondering if there is a chance you’ll get back together. You’re not waiting for them to wake up one day, reach for their phone and tell you, ‘I’m sorry. I failed to appreciate you. I want to apologise for every negative comment I made, starting with that remark about your mother. I didn’t mean it when I said, ‘pack your shit and get out.’ What I meant was, I love you. I’m coming over.’
Getting over it requires passing through two stages, the first is experiencing the loss. When you’re through that, the second stage is wishing them well in their future. The one you’re not in.
Go ahead and get that towel ready.
Obviously I’m speaking from the experiencing of getting dumped hard. ‘Pack your shit and get out,’ was a direct quote. Not a lot of wiggle room in there to try and get back together one day. Yes, I still entertained those fantasies on high rotation. I packed my shit up and muttered some encouraging words about us, ‘taking time out to look at our issues,’ while he held the door open to my car. I was going to be alright, I told myself, barreling down the highway. I’ve been here before and it doesn’t kill you, it just feels like you’re going to die. There is a wall of pain headed your way, and you will scamper over it, sort of the way a toddler climbs a stool. Awkwardly and without any dignity.
The most important thing is to keep your panties on. The person who told you ‘the best way to get over someone else is to get under someone new’ wasn’t really grieving. They were using someone else’s body to grieve on and that’s not very fair. Grab a hanky, instead. At least after you throw the hanky out, it won’t climb back out of the dirty laundry basket, hoping to hook up again.
After getting dumped, I told my friends I would be over it in ninety days. I’m a writer, I figured, I work well with deadlines. One wise friend kept checking in on me.
‘Almost through!’ I said, ‘It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.’
She replied, “I want to suggest to you, Vivvie, that even though you think you’re through, you may not be through.”
“Nope, I’m definitely through!” I said, because I had started eating solid foods again. Freedom was just around the corner.
“Are you down on the marble tiles, yet?” she asked.
“Nope. I don’t really know what that means, but I don’t have to!”
“Lying on the floor of the bathroom, crying through the layers of grief until all you feel are the marble tiles on your back?”
“Nope! I really don’t think that’s going to be necessary.”
You can see where I’m headed with the towel.
I was using a lot of positive encouragement. You know the kind I’m talking about. You’re going to be a really interesting person after this, wowwee… I was using it as a bandage over the wound that wouldn’t heal. That wall of pain had arrived and it can’t be scampered over. You have to walk through the wall. That’s why it hurts.
I finally gave myself permission to cry. Then I started to howl. Then it was those moans an animal makes when it’s dying in a forest alone, its foot caught in a trap. I cried first for the break-up and every break-up before it. I cried for my father and his abandonment. I cried for a pain that went back three generations. There were probably random people I’d never met scooped up in that howl, that’s how big it was.
The door from my bedroom was open, and lying on the bed, I saw what I looked like in the bathroom mirror. I looked like I had rigamortis. Not so much a serene looking corpse, but the ones they dig up from the base of a volcano, burned alive. ‘That’s kind of funny,’ I thought and broke for lunch. I made myself a sandwich and went back to crying for another couple of hours and then I was done. Was I over the break-up? Almost. There’s another stage I had to pass through, but I was ‘moving on’ by moving through the grief. This, I thought, this is interesting. I’m in pain and I’m quite enjoying myself.
If you do go with the bathroom tiles option, I would recommend the towel. It’s easier on the back.
The second stage in getting over your break up is more challenging.
Wishing them well.
To wish anyone you loved and lost well comes easier for some, more difficult for others. If your loved one displayed particularly shitty behaviour, you might try to skip this stage. Feeling the depth of your grief releases them from your body, but wishing them well releases them from your mind. Because no one wants to be the girl at the party, bitching about their ex twelve years after it ended. Or as my mother once said to me, “It’s been two months since your relationship ended, please stop talking about it. It’s not fair to people. You’re boring them.”
What you seek is ‘closure’, but we only get closure when we no longer need it. With pain and loss, the mind wants to apportion blame. We put certain events on trial, and stack the jury, create the judge and start the prosecution. We know it’s an enormous waste of time, but we do it anyway. Some people actually go to court in real life. A friend recently went to court for mediation. There were twelve other couples there that day. The judge looked at each of them and said, “I’d like you all to step outside and take two hours to work out your issues with a mediator and come back in here like adults.” One’s day in court isn’t always the vindication we hope it will be.
If there has been violence and custody battles, wishing them well is going to be the last thing on your mind, but it releases you from the spell of the relationship. Or the death grip, depending on your level of despair.
Close your eyes. Visualise the person. Now wish them well.
It’s hard, isn’t it?
I have a friend who grew up in India and he told me a story about his heartbreak when a woman dumped him. He was in pain and so he sought out a guru his uncle had recommended. He sat in front of the guru and explained he has been heartbroken and needs help moving on. The guru told the young man he would recover if he did one simple thing. Pray for her happiness.
Two years went by. He prayed for an hour every morning and an hour in the evening on her happiness and still, he was in pain. So he travelled back to the guru and told him, ‘I’ve done as you said. Prayed for her happiness and it didn’t work. I’m still miserable.’
The guru asked, ‘Did you mean it?’
The young man realised he had been praying, but hadn’t really wanted her happy. He just wanted her back.
Pray for their happiness. Mean it. And you’ll be done.
What are your best tips for coping with a break up?
Vivienne Walshe is an Australian playwright and screenwriter. Her plays have been highly awarded and published by Currency Press. As an actress she appeared on The Secret Life of Us and many other television shows and performed in plays at the Melbourne Theatre company, Sydney Theatre company and Queensland Theatre company.
Have you ever looked up a partner’s star sign to see if it was compatible with yours? While some of us might be too embarrassed to admit it, most of us have checked our horoscopes, and many of us get our relationship advice from the stars, believing our star sign makes us compatible – or less so – with other signs.
In Japan, it’s not your astrological sign that gets people talking – it’s your blood type! Japan Today explains that “it is not uncommon for women…to even select a prospective husband based on his blood type.”
Next time you’re scoping out a potential date, don’t just ask him (or her) their sign. Find out their blood type.
What about your blood type? Read on to unlock the perfect lover for your blood type straight from Japanese culture.
Type A Blood
People with Type A Blood are known for their fastidiousness. They are perfectionists to the core and put 100% into everything they do, whether it’s house work or academics. A Types have a strong sense of responsibility and weigh up all options before making important decisions.
As lovers, their kindness and patience will shine through and their trademark punctuality means you’ll never be left hanging on date night or have your SMS go unanswered.
A Types offer stability, but their need to be in control and lack of spontaneity may lead to tension, especially in relationships with Type Bs or other Type As.
The best partner for a Type A is a Type AB or a Type O– their reliability will put the A Type at ease and offer them some of the security and stability they crave.
Type B Blood
People with Type B Blood are like the Leos of blood types. By nature, they crave social interaction and are often described as the life of the party. They make friends easily and fall in and out of relationships often. B Types thrive on rule breaking and hate to be boxed in. They are often drawn to jobs that let them express their creativity.
As lovers, Type B are passionate and surprising, in and outside of the bedroom. However, they have a tendency to be selfish and act without considering the consequences. In Japan, Type Bs are known as heart-breakers.
Type Bs’ chaotic lifestyle is a deal-breaker for Type As and when two Type Bs get together, neither will remember to pay the bills on time.
The best partner for Type B is Type AB or Type O. AB Types can inspire Type B’s creativity with their own and inject some rationality into the relationship. That said, their tendency to be sensitive and easily hurt is at odds with Type B’s risk-taking behaviour.
O Types also counterbalance the irresponsibility that comes with dating a Type B. Their agreeableness and love of social interaction makes them a great partner in crime for a mischievous B Type.
Type AB Blood
People with Type AB Blood are determined to chase their dreams and often have a strong sense of morality. Despite their drive to realise their dreams, they don’t measure their success conventionally or monetarily and are the least greedy of all blood types. Like Type As, Type ABs enjoy the pursuit of knowledge and often have a string of different hobbies. They are known to be calm and rational with a sliver of artiness.
As partners, AB types can be very adaptable, making them easy to fall for, if you can ignore their highly critical nature. Their creativity makes them a good match for B types, but their sensitivity can make relationships with reckless Type B strained at times.
Type A and Type AB’s can co-exist easily, as both have a strong moral compass and a collection, calm persona. Despite a great respect for one another, they may quarrel if their core values differ.
Type AB and Type O make great friends and business partners. Lovers? Maybe, if there’s a strong spark.
Type O Blood
O Types are known for their romanticism, ambition and strength in the face of adversity. They make effective mentors and relish acting as caregivers for those younger or less experienced than themselves. People with Type O Blood are good with money and often dedicate a lot of time to their work.
As a lover, O Types are generous and playful. They lavish their partners with attention and affection and expect no less in return. But, if they think you’re straying, they won’t hesitate to check your phone when you’re in the bathroom!
O Types are easy going enough to make a relationship work with most blood types. However, they’re best suited to Type A. Both Type O and Type A blood types have a vigorous work ethic and O Types are typically willing to take the reins of the partner, which takes some of the stress off the notoriously tense A type.
Do you believe in blood type love compatibility?
Bethany Tyndall writes about beauty on her blog Beauty Junkie.
Meeting your match in real life or online is so 2012. If you’re not addicted to Tinder, Fancied or soon-to-launch in Australia, Grouper, chances are you’re not Gen X & Y, single or looking to become so. Hailed as the ‘straight’ Grindr – are Tinder, Fancied and Grouper all about one night stands or long-term love?
Dating through apps is just the thing for those with short attention spans, very short attention spans.
If hanging out with friends in bars or at parties or combing through online profiles is just all too tedious for you – a tap or a swipe of your phone could be just the thing between you and meeting your one, true love. Or, at least, your one ‘you-look-pretty-alright-for-tonight’ hook-up scenario.
What’s it all about? Tinder links to your Facebook page and notifies you, via profile shots, based on your Facebook mutual friends and interests, who is single and looking for love nearby. You like what you see? Swipe right to the green heart to register your interest. Not floating your boat? Swipe left to the red cross to say ‘not in this lifetime.’ If you both give each other a ‘green heart’ light, a conversation via the app can begin.
Tinder is the fastest growing dating app. The company is reluctant to release figures but since Tinder launched in September last year, Forbes says users have rated each other’s profiles 3.5 billion times and have been matched up 35 million times.
According to Tinder’s Australian brand manager, Joshua Metz, the app is downloaded more than 1000 times a day in Australia alone.
Pros: The app saves you from potential romantic humiliation by letting you anonymously ‘like’ or ‘reject’ your nearby suiters/users. Only if they ‘like’ you too will Tinder make an introduction and you can start communicating via the app. You can’t be randomly messaged by people you don’t know or don’t want to know.
Got some down time waiting for the bus to arrive to meet up with friends? You could potentially line up a date (or several) for that night.
Cons: By trawling through your Facebook to look for folk nearby with mutual friends and interests, the chances of stumbling across your ex; your best friend’s ex or even your second cousin is more than likely.
Your picture – and their picture – is your only chance to make an impression. Dangerous territory for folk clinging desperately to a flattering snap taken 5 years ago, especially if you actually plan to meet up in real life, at some stage, there’s going to be that awkward 3 minutes of non-recognition.
What if you accidentally swipe ‘no thanks’ when you meant to ‘green heart’ someone? You’ll never get that person back on screen. Imagine, it could’ve been your one true love…
Good for: Wanting to broaden your social circle slightly in a comfortable, non threatening way.
Not so great for: Someone who desperately believes in soulmates and hopes they will magically appear in the palm of their hand via their phone. Whilst some will be more legitimately looking for love than others, the very nature of the app makes random hook-ups and bragging rights very easy. But if that’s what you’re looking for, good luck to you.
What’s it all about? Fancied is an Australian-based dating app launched 4 weeks ago and already boasts thousands of ‘fancies’ nationally. Aimed at the 18-35 demographic, the app is gaining popularity with users sharing the app with friends via Facebook.
Founder and CEO of Fancied, Christie Sharpe explains, “We are thrilled with the results and have 60% engagement on the app, this is mainly because users are getting matched by people they mutually like.
Like Tinder, Fancied links to your Facebook page and offers up profile shots, names and ages of potential matches who are nearby and looking for love. You can either play the ‘fancy’ game and search profiles nearby or check into a venue listed as a ‘hot spot’ for singles ready to meet.
Again, like Tinder, liking or not liking someone is kept anonymous until two ‘likes’ become one.
Pros: Using the geo-location ‘hot spot’ allows the user to know where all the fun-loving singles are mingling close by and can join accordingly.
Cons: Like Tinder, by trawling mutual friends on Facebook, the chance of your ex, your best friend’s ex or your cousin is again, a dating possibility.
Good for: The ‘push-to-maps’ feature is great for users geographically challenged to find their way to the right bar to meet their match.
Not so great for: Similar to Tinder, those looking to find their soulmate may be in luck but also exposed to some of society’s not so romantic idealists.
What’s it all about? Originally launched in New York as a three-on-three blind dating service, Grouper is a dating app available in 20 cities across the US that will soon launch in Australia.
You sign up for Grouper, pick a specific date and time or choose the on-demand feature, choose two wingmen/besties, pay an up front yet-to-be-determined fee per person for the date and the app automatically sets you up with three others of the opposite sex.
The fee paid pays for the first round of drinks and ensures everyone actually turns up. And then it flows (or not) from there.
Grouper Director of Operations, Kristen Badal, says “We’re launching in Australia in coming months so I encourage single Aussies to sign up at joingrouper.com to find out when and where we will be happening.”
Pros: Grouper sees itself more as an app for meeting people than a dating service. In the US, it is more popular with women and has a roughly 60/40 split between women and men members.
Expanding your social circle and going on a ‘blind date’ with two of your besties takes the intimidation and safety issues out of the blind date equation.
Cons: What’s the etiquette? Do the six of you interact as a group or do you make a beeline for your favourite and start to pair off?
What if no one wants to talk to you or you get left with the third party that wasn’t really ‘into’ the blind date in the first place?
Good for: Folk who need a concierge for their social life. Can’t think of a new bar to visit? Grouper can sort that, and the company you keep, out for you.
Not so great for: If you go on the ‘blind date’ with three friends with similar tastes in the opposite sex. Bestie biffo over a bloke at the end of the night is never a good look. It gets worse if only one of you gets an SMS asking for a second date. Oh dear.
Have you tried mobile phone dating? What are your favourite dating websites or apps?
SheSaid recently asked the question “What does being single mean to you?” Here?s what some SheSaid readers from around Australia said?
Being single means being on your own; having independence; freedom and putting yourself before anything. Semra, 23, NSW.
The choice to eat pate on toast for dinner whilst wearing my flannel PJ’s. Being happy with who I am is what it’s about! Simonette, 27, QLD.
Being single means more room in the bed; more time with the girls; more space in the shower and sole possession of the remote control. Susan, 32, VIC.
It means oodles of bad dates and bad restaurants. Chantelle, 25, NSW.
To me being single means I finally have time to find myself; be myself and love myself. Jenny, 21, VIC.
I am a strong person; can change my own light bulbs; make huge decisions; eat Nutella out of the jar; take risks and love my choices! Elaine, 26, NSW.
Dates with new people; lots of time with friends; parties; shopping; chocolate galore; new hobbies and keeping up with gossip. Caroline, 25, NSW.
To have the freedom and time to focus on the people and things important to me. Jenny, 28, NSW.
Being single means everything to me; I have my independence and I control my own destiny? Tina, 31, WA.
Peace; quiet and hairy legs! Jennifer, 40, QLD.
I can go out with whom I want; can go on the computer at 3am; gaining the TV remote control; having the bed to myself. Rhonda, 45, NSW.
Being single has been the best opportunity to actually discover who I am and where I want to go in life; I know now what I want in relationship with a partner. Tania, 27, VIC.
Wearing whatever daggy underwear I want; seeing whatever ‘chick-flick’ I want; staying fit for myself and choosing my own life! Emma Louise, 18, SA.
Living with my own set of rules. No one telling me not to wear dark green nail polish. Hui, 20, VIC.
It means being able to make my own decisions; to be able to explore my full potential. Carolyn, 30, NSW.
Long lunches with the girls; Saturdays spent having manicures & pedicures; big nights at the pub – and no fighting over the remote. Bliss! Kylie, 29, SA.
Discovering yourself; your passions; beliefs and talents; who your ideal man is so when you’re ready to settle down; the relationship will be long-lasting. Roselle, 25, VIC.
It means that I know who I am and I love who I am unconditionally – and I am open to whatever opportunities come to me. Kellie-Ann, 24, NSW.
Get On With It – learn stuff!
Yes. It?s a work in progress. It?s something that I probably don?t get that much time to think about because I?m a person who, when I?m not working on my work outside of work, I?m doing the stuff I love ? it?s movies, it?s bands? I just recently did a scriptwriting course at AFTRS (Australian Film, Television and Radio School) a 6-week part-time thing. I?m always off to Melbourne to hang out with friends and stuff, I?ve got such a full life that it would never really occur to me to go out and try to meet someone. But inevitably, every time I do step out the door I meet someone!
It?s just amazing how many new friends and how many male friends you accumulate when you?re totally busy and active and interested and therefore interesting. Madonna?s motto is ?Be interested and become interesting? and I really agree with that.
What?s the best thing about being single?
I just reckon the sheer indulgence of it, the indulgence of getting the most out of your career potential, the indulgence of making your own financial decisions. But really the social thing is a huge one, because you can just indulge at your own whim. It doesn?t matter how ?on the nose? your interests are, you can do them until the cows come home. It doesn?t really matter if it?s doing stuff at home like daggy crafty stuff, which can be very soul nourishing or you have the time to do weekend seminars or weekend workshops because you don?t have anyone pining and wanting your time.
For me personally, part-time study is a big thing, and in my case, career ? having the time to develop a side career, which in my case was writing books. I wouldn?t have had the time if Mr Man was hanging around.
And what?s next for the ultimate single chick?
The third book in the series is about hanging on to the independence and the freedom and the guidelines that you cultivated while you were single and applying them to a relationship so that when Mr Right comes along, you don?t just throw it all in. It?s about getting some discipline with your time and your interests and treating it, not as ?Oh, I?m doing this now while I?m single? but as kind of a long-term investment in yourself.
It?s going to be called Get It On and it?s really for the girl that finds herself back involved, who has possibly lost her familiarity with romantic etiquette and isn?t quite sure how a relationship is going to fit in with her friends, with her hectic social life? How do you hold on to your own identity, your own independence, your own friends and make time for their friends?
To find out how, keep your eyes peeled for Get It On or check out Sue?s web site www.sueostler.com for more info about her books, Q & As and interesting facts about being single!
Get On With It is a smart, savvy guide to making the most of your time as a Singleton. Packed with interesting, thought-provoking and dare we say, life-changing stuff to help you on your path towards a balanced, independent and interesting life. Have a ball, make new friends, do stuff with your friends, family and most importantly, for yourself! Enjoy your self!
Buy Get On With It from the SheSaid Bookshop.
- Lady Jayne bobby Pins – they?ve been around forever. Our great grandmothers would have loved them, and a bargain at $4.88 for a pack of 12.
- Andrew Collinge Thickening Moussing Gelle ($11.95)
- Tigi Round Brush ($39)
Bedroom hair And we don?t mean for sleeping either! This look is hotter than ever. Elegantly dishevelled is the word in hair. What man doesn?t love the ?just rolled out of bed look?? But you don?t get it by ?just rolling out of bed?. It?s a good one for you if you have hair that is short to medium length. If your hair is layered it will also work. Even more of a bonus if you have a natural wave, or if you have straight hair- but don?t mind warming up the curling equipment. Don?t even bother if your hair is all one length like an asymmetric blunt blob or if it is naturally very curly. The tools for Bedroom hair are
- Remington Steam Curl and Straightening Iron ($46.95)
- Revlon Hair Treatment Dual-Phase Styling Conditioner ($16.95)
- Charles Worthington Take Aways Stay In Shape Hair Superspray ($4.95)
Gentlemen prefer Blondes We hate to admit it but it?s a fact ? blondes turn heads. Men love a blonde in any shade varying from the palest ash to the peroxided princess. Think Marilyn or Sophie ala ex-Bardot. It?s a good one for you if you have the hard cold cash. This look is expensive and time consuming – we?re talking high maintenance, girl! You don?t get the look by popping back to the hairdresser every 3 months. It?s a continual upkeep ? it can be every 4-6 weeks depending on the re-growth. Go for it if your hair is naturally blonde or light brown. Don?t even bother if your hair is naturally dark. It just tends to look all wrong and we mean really wrong. Also give it a swerve if your hair is really damaged or you don?t have the cash to make your hair a priority. The tools for the Blondes are
- John Frieda Sheer Blonde Spun Gold ($16.95)
- Alberto VO5 Shine Enhancing Conditioner With Chamomile ($4.95)
The Natural If you?ve got it ? flaunt it. Some of us have naturally beautiful hair ? bitch! All you have to do is leave your hair simply to shine naturally. This look is good for you if you have naturally, wavy hair. If time is not one of your luxuries then this is the do for you. Don?t bother with this look if you have straight, lank sort of hair ? you will end up looking fly away and un-groomed. Let?s face it, looking well groomed is the perfect self-esteem boost and if you?re oozing self-confidence you?ll be a natural magnet for prospective mates! The tools for The Natural are
- Tigi Leave-In Conditioner ($19.95)
- Redken Glass Smoothing Complex ($28.40 pricey ? but it lasts nearly a year).
- Aveda Paddle Brush ($41.75)
- “Just get out there and make it happen. Meet loads of different guys and experiment.”
- “You’ll just know the right one when you meet him.”
- Or my personal favourite, “Forget about men and get on with making yourself the type of person you’d want to go out with. He’ll then turn up when you least expect it.”
Excuse me while I throw up a chocolate egg the Easter Bunny left me the other week (because we all used to believe in him too, right?). You know what? I’ve been waiting for ten years for Mister Wonderful to show up on my doorstep and the only regular thing that’s been turning up for a while now has been the Sunday paper.
I’ve had a few close calls (well at least I thought so at the time). But they’ve all ended up being boring/gay/married/too complicated to go into right now. I’ve also had my fair share of every woman’s mortal enemy – those slippery commitment-phobes. So, if you’ve been silently screaming, “I am a good person – so why is this happening to me?” In other words, if you are single with no clue on how to meet a man, take some advice from me – someone who is slowly but surely digging herself out of her celibate phase for good.
You can try telling all your friends that you want to meet someone and ask them to set you up. Let me first of all warn you that this technique is about as reliable as the rhythm method. One of two things are likely to happen. To your face, your ‘friends’ will assure you they would looove to help you out.
Put your profile on a respected Internet dating service, join a dating agency or hire a professional matchmaker. Whatever you do take action and keep at it. Most of us were brought up to believe that if we sit back love will miraculously appear. Well, anyone who has spent a month long of lonely Saturday nights at home will tell you that’s a load of crap.
So, if you are getting bored of patiently waiting for your life partner it is time for you to do something right now. Make finding love a top priority in your life. Set a goal of meeting someone so you have a date to bring in the New Year and for every New Year after that.
Think it is an impossible goal? Well, shame on you disbeliever. Keep listening because I’m going to give you some excellent advice. What you are doing now isn’t working so it is time to change your habits permanently and fast. Let me spell it out. Next time you are within the immediate vicinity of a man do not, let me repeat, do not follow your urge to run or look the other way.
Instead of pretending that you are busily reading the classified ads or studiously watching out for a friend take the initiative, turn to him and say hello. You heard me say, “H-E-L-L-O!” It is only one word but it will change your dating life forever.
The worst that will happen is he’ll say hi and walk away. But if you keep trying or strike it lucky on your first go, you’ll come across someone who truly is fabulous. You’ll, you know, like, start a conversation and who knows what’ll happen from there. Try it, you’ll see, it honestly works. Just think one word or another winter alone. I know what I’ll be doing…
Find out where all the good ones are hiding thanks to our spy!
Here are our Meet Men pointers:
- Shoot pool at the local pool hall – this is especially useful if you have any skill.
- Watch sporting events at a sports bar with some friends. Your friends might talk to his friends then he will definitely talk to you.
- Hang out at a popular beach – but try to at least look like you are doing something other than trolling for surfers.
- Join a local sporting club – every Tuesday night will turn into a fun weekday night if you meet an interesting bunch of guys.
- Find out if your local bike shop has a biking group you can join. Or go to a popular bike trail and hang out at the popular resting spots – but don’t linger too long cause you might meet some weirdo.
- Don’t bother doing your laundry at home, do it at your local laundromat. Check his laundry basket to make sure he’s single.
- Grocery shop late at night or late Saturday morning. Check out his eating habits by the contents of his cart.
- Walk your dog. If you don’t have a dog, walk your neighbour’s dog. People stop and talk to you when you have a dog.
- Get to some local council meetings, there may be some very eligible men who are concerned about the area they live in and issues that affect the community.
- Very important.do the things you love to do and you’ll meet guys who have similar interests.
- Don’t join a uni-sex rugby team if you hate rugby you certainly won’t last.
- Smile. It makes you a lot more attractive and is a real ice breaker
- If you have done the above and still can’t meet men, you should ask yourself if there are bigger issues at hand or maybe move to Italy where there are more men.
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Do men like women to ask them out?
Yes they definitely do. What is not to like? But one thing Mr HeSaid says, ‘Don’t get right on the phone and grab your address book, there are a few things you should know before you make that call.’
Firstly a part of the guy will wonder if you’ve called him up because you want to have sex with him. The scary thing is that most guys are generally hoping to have sex whenever they go on a date, So this won’t mean that he’ll behave like a true gentleman just because you asked him out. So definitely set some limits early on, unless the reason you called him was to have sex with him.
Another important factor to remember, now that the tables are turned, is there could be some dating confusion. You will have to go through the: Who’ll drive? Who will pay? Who will decide where to go? It is usually up to the guy to control the flow of events on a date, but since you initiated things, how far will the initiative go? Don’t get confused. Make sure you are prepared with a date or venue in your mind and don’t be scared to suggest it.
The best thing to do is invite a guy to a party where there are loads of people and if it isn’t comfortable you can both just have a good time. Remember- the worst thing that men have been putting up with for many years, the fear of rejection and the answer NO! Don’t worry about it if that happens. At least you tried. Besides, most guys will be really flattered eitherway.
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Clear your mind of negative attitudes and approach new potential partners with a fresh outlook.
Often women don’t have the courage to speak up with their man. They are worried they may appear petty or nitpicking. Often when they do speak up, it is at the wrong time, during an argument or when they have reached the end of their tether, instead of when the problems can be discussed rationally.
Don’t be afraid to articulate when you feel that you are being treated unfairly or below your worth. Men don’t know how we feel. They are very different creatures and certainly don’t feel the way we do. They are capable of making us feel wonderful, but can also make us feel very second rate at times too. Men generally don’t do this intentionally. If you let him get away with it once, you have set a precedent.
Remember, you set the standards in a relationship, not him, just by accepting what he dishes out and not voicing your feelings.
If you reflect on a rotten relationship you have had with a guy, you may notice that you accepted his treatment. Often, you will find that he will move on to another relationship and treat the next woman quite differently. Not because he has changed, but because she has had different standards. The reverse applies also. Have you ever said `He wouldn’t have got away with that with me’?
We should not plan to change a guy completely, but they all need a good overhaul. Unfortunately, too many women believe that they can dispense with their faults later. Later is too late: That is when the rot sets in. Unless you speak up from the beginning , you will not set the foundations for a mutually successful relationship. If you cannot get him to please you early in the relationship, you will not succeed later. Unfortunately, too many of us have the attitude that there will never be another like him.
Of course there will be another like him, because he is the type you choose. Have you noticed that men get better, never worse. The next guy you start dating is always far nicer than the one from whom you have just parted.
Let your achievements shine
Everyone has past achievements they are proud of but quite often we keep these hidden away in a cupboard! There is nothing wrong with letting a guy know how capable and clever you are. No one else is going to. It’s up to you to be able very subtly, to slip in gems from your past of which you are proud.
With your new attitude, increased confidence and self worth, you will attract far more interesting men. If you practice courage, and are not prepared to accept flaws that you previously accepted, you will also lift the standard of guys with whom you become involved. Good luck.
Find out more about “Dial A Man” and Rosalind Neville