Because sometimes the worst labels are actually the best.
As the countdown to the new year begins, everyone is planning where they will be and who they will be with when the clock strikes twelve. Plenty of couples stay home together New Years Eve. They’ve had their single fun and as the years pass by they begin falling asleep before midnight, ignoring the traditions and just pass it off as yet another night in as the rest of the world celebrates.
For singles, though it’s something very different. It’s a magical night filled with possibilities. Not many singles sit home on New Years Eve. It’s usually the biggest night of the year because they’re all out there celebrating the start of the new year and what it has to offer. Will it be a new romance, a new job or new life? The passing of one year to the next is an opportunity singles don’t want to miss out on.
They also have that traditional New Years kiss lingering in the back of their mind. Will they miss out or will they find someone to kiss as the clock strikes midnight? Who will it be? Will it be Mr or Mrs Right they meet and kiss on this magical evening?
In reality, those who do land a hot steamy kiss on New Years Eve are usually plucked out of the crowd when other singles see they have no-one to lock lips with. This only happens because everyone has had way too much to drink and inhibitions suddenly disappear because it’s New Years Eve and kissing is expected.
Regretfully, it probably won’t be the magical experience of two strangers meeting, embracing and living happily ever after. No. It will be more like being grabbed by an intoxicated stranger and having their tongue shoved down ya throat!
You know the kisses I mean? The ones that are all tongue and no lips. It’s almost like the lips don’t connect at all as the tongue takes centre stage. In reality, the stranger is probably only an hour off of passing out and it’s like they are trying to get all the tongue action they are going to get all year, in that one sloppy New Year kiss. I’m not too sure what’s so magical about that, but plenty of singles are out there New Years Eve and this is what a large majority experience.
When you stop and think about it, it’s a bizarre phenomenon, this New Years Eve kissing thing. As the clock strikes midnight, french kissing in public is the norm, not the exception. Society dictates that adults and teens for that matter, should have their tongue twisting around in someone else’s mouth. Seriously, it’s one of those traditions which makes me wonder where on earth did this come from?
Was it a shy single who wanted to take advantage of flowing booze and high spirits? Maybe they thought it was the only way they’d actually land a kiss during the year; right smack bang when it starts. Was it some intoxicated stranger who kissed another intoxicated stranger on New Years Eve and started this?
No. Apparently it was the Romans. How many centuries ago was that?! Now those people were known for avid promiscuity because they weren’t only partaking in public kissing! It was more like a New Years Eve orgy and everyone got in on the act. Ha-ha, we think our society is sex oriented. Those randy Romans really knew how to welcome in the New Year with a bang!
It’s quite amusing how their ummm … tradition, has made its way into our century in a much tamer fashion and continues to engage singles year after year. Even though they aren’t publicly shagging their way into the New Year like the Romans; there remains a certain magic of New Years Eve for singles. So, if you’re single on New Years Eve, enjoy the freedom, land that kiss and thank heaven and hell you aren’t an ancient Roman!
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If men, in general, wrote up a list of things which resembled the perfect wife, it would probably look something like this, in no particular order – that’s male organisation at work, ladies. If it was a women’s list, well it would be structured in terms of priority (probably in a spreadsheet), but no need to go there.
Tip 1: Learn how to download
There’s not a man alive who doesn’t appreciate a woman who can download content off the internet, especially if it’s their favourite TV show or latest action flick. “Here’s the latest episode of Game of Thrones, hunny” – he’ll be so blown away and won’t even care that you’ve done so illegally and you’re now a “pirate”. Mmm, that might add to the attraction..?
Tip 2: Become a DYI queen
Men loathe having to fix stuff around the house, especially if they do it for a living. So, if you want the gutters cleaned, the lawn mowed, car washed, etc, then DYI ladies!
Tip 3: Encourage his hobbies
So, he’s heading toward 40 and suddenly has an urge to buy that motorbike he’s always wanted or maybe an expensive set of golf clubs to go hang out at the course with his mates. Instead of holding him hostage as you drag him shopping, encourage his hobbies (take out life insurance in the case of the motorbike) and get him out of the house. Now, a great wife would even pack his lunch.
Tip 4: Cook… Often!
That brings us to the next item on the list. It really is true that a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. It might have something to do with their mothers, who cooked for them and made their favorite meal when they were little boys. Who knows, but feeding him will gain you valuable wife points.
Tip 5: Sex
BJ, HJ, S&M… Enough said. (Probably should have been first on the list, but it is in no particular order, remember!)
Tip 6: Look fabulous
It doesn’t matter if you have the flu, are heavily pregnant carrying his child or tired after a long day at work. Throw away the trackie pants and sloppy tops. You need to look like you’ve just stepped out of the beauty salon. This is especially true when his mates pop over, but be careful not to overdo it. He wants to show you off, not give his mates bait for them to go fishing.
Tip 7: Never say “we need to talk”
All men dread these four little words. They either think that they’ve done something wrong and they are in trouble or you need to talk, in which case they will need to look at least half-interested in whatever you have to say. Either way, there’s nothing in it for them so the perfect wife would never strings these four words together.
Tip 8: Praise him for little things
Men love praise. It doesn’t matter if the only housework he’s managed to do in the past six weeks has been the dishes – at least he did something! A little praise goes a long way. Once again, this probably goes back to their mothers and their childhood, but don’t dare mention that either.
Tip 9: Let him have control the TV remote
What is it with men and the TV remote? It’s a strange phenomenon, isn’t it? Ever wonder what men had hold of before TV was invented. Ok, lets not go there. Anyway, let him have it. If he thinks he’s got an inferred magic power wand. Seriously, what harm can it do? Just as long as he doesn’t aim it at you and press the mute button, it’s all good. (Hey, there’s not a man alive that hasn’t at least thought about it.)
Tip 10: Let him think he’s the boss
Speaking of power, we all know women really run the home. Imagine the state of things if the man was in charge? Two words: bachelor pad! They do like to think they run things, though, so do what good wives do best and don’t remind him about it. You know in your head what’s really going on.
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Men. They really are strange. The way they make decisions, their behavior, what they pay attention to and how they go about things makes the female mind boggle! Take menstruation for example. What is it about women’s periods that freaks them out and has them running for the nearest exit?
For example, if you are chatting on the phone to a friend or have your BFF over for coffee, a sure-fire way to stop any man from eavesdropping on your conversation is to throw in the topic of your menstrual cycle. It’s like female Kryptonite! They’ve overheard the word period and they leave the vicinity faster than Superman on a mission. (Tip: Don’t forget to use this one to your advantage!)
Then there’s buying feminine hygiene products for female partners. This is possibly the one incidence whereby gay men are envied by heterosexual males. If your fella is like most of his comrades, this is the one request he could probably do without.
Yes, he will need to walk into the shop and find his way to the feminine hygiene section. Challenge number one. Once there, he will likely be completely overwhelmed when he is instantly confronted with – a wall of feminine hygiene options. Pure horror for the average bloke. Super, regular, flow related, wings, no wings; all of which he knows nothing about. Challenge number two.
Although preferred products are usually neatly placed in her section of the bathroom cabinet – which is shared and he actually opens each day – he chooses not to see them. This is a man skill learned and passed down through generations with utter perfection. The products are there but the connection between his eyes and brain are severed when it comes to anything related to feminine hygiene. (Tip: This is where to hide your own private collection of sex toys because he’ll never see them!)
Back to challenge number two. Men can go either one of two ways when it comes to selecting tampons for their lady. If a man chooses a super-sized product, he has done so with his anatomy is mind. During the selection process, he has come to the assumption that the size of the tampon reflects how endowed he believes he is. If he can fit inside that vagina, it must need a super-sized tampon. Yes, ladies, that’s the logic!
If the man selects the regular or smaller variety, he has done so with her anatomy in mind. These products have been selected because he wants to believe her lady bits, are too small for super-sized products. The thought of his lady using super-sized tampons is a concept he just doesn’t want to envisage. Once again, male logic at work. How on earth was the wheel or electricity ever invented?
Whatever rationale he uses to make the selection; he then finds his way to the checkout. Challenge number three. Some men feel a bit awkward about this. The big question is why? Everyone knows the product isn’t for him. Not unless he’s hiding a vagina in his pants! Maybe there lies the fear?
Despite all men knowing that women bleed once a month, it’s not something the vast majority want to delve into any further. Why any man would want to become a gynecologist is a pure mystery. Maybe they have a defective male gene, assume women visiting the gynecologist aren’t menstruating or something along those lines. Remember, we are dealing with male logic and decision making, so who knows, and most of these men would say women are strange!
The dreaded walk of shame. This person has just snuck out of someone’s home, at 6 am, riddled with self doubt, confusion; possibly a snippet of self loathing. They have a chronic hangover and have little recollection of the previous night. All they know is, when they awoke, they felt a sickening shock at realising they weren’t alone. Who the hell is that? Where did they meet? OMG, what’s their name?
Their only tangible thought is to get the hell out of wherever they are right that second. They would make a dash for the door if they weren’t completely naked. There’s a high possibility they’re about to take an underwear-free walk. What they really need is their phone. Like many humans, life without their phone is an existence just not worth considering.
There’s no way they want to interact with this nameless stranger. Maybe if they leave quick enough, the stranger won’t even recall they were there. Yes, sounds like a plan. They begin creeping around the house, trying to be as quite as taking a poop in a public toilet; but, of course, the quieter they try to be, the louder they are and cringe each time they make a sound.
Heading back to the bedroom, they discover both of their phones sticking out from under the stranger’s pillow. WTF? Oh, no. Is there a recording of this experience? Instantaneously, a whole new level of shame is realised. Contemplating how to retain their dignity, they stand over the stranger and gently attempt to pry the phones from under the pillow. Bit by bit, they get closer to their claim and, after a good five minutes, they finally have both. Phew!
Walking into another room, attempting the password on the stranger’s phone, they think to themselves ‘this could take forever’. Should they steal the stranger’s phone, just in case? Maybe they could take it, have it wiped it clean and mail it back. Oh decisions, decisions!
Determined to sustain at least some level of their previous self respect, they decide to leave the phone and make the getaway. Hopefully, there’s another reason why the phones were under the pillow.
Semi-dressed, they make their way to the door. As anticipated, it will be an underwear-free walk. Opening the door as quietly as possible, they step out and just as they begin to close it gently behind them, a gust of wind comes past and slams it shut, like a nail being belted into a coffin. BANG! Run is their first instinctive thought.
So, rapidly, the underwear-free walk of shame becomes a sprint, which carries on for a block. By then they are totally spent because of all the alcohol they consumed the night before. Additionally, they receive a text. It’s 6 am, who’s texting at this time of the morning? This can’t be good.
Looking down at the name of the sender, they think for themselves ‘I don’t know anyone named…’ Oh, yes, they do. Yep, just as they suspected, it’s not good. That’s why the phones were under the pillow. They’d swapped numbers. The now-named stranger sent a text: “You left your keys”.
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