One of life’s best natural highs is the thrill, passion and excitement of having a new partner. The conversation is endless, the connection you both feel is intense and the sex… Well let’s be totally honest, it’s hotter than hell! So, if you could reignite that honeymoon spark with your long term partner, why wouldn’t you do it?
Now, according to Graeme Sudholtz, a former Aussie farmer turned relationship and sex therapist and co-owner of Oztantra, “As you get older sex goes from a V8 automatic to a 4 speed manual, but it gets better!” His charming and equally skilled partner in life and in business, Annette Baulch, smiled and nodded in agreement.
I recently had the opportunity and privilege to sit down with this knowledgeable couple of holistic therapists to discuss love, life, relationships and of course sex. It was an entertaining and eye opening half hour, which left me wanting to book an appointment to go back for more!
They offer individual sessions, couples therapy and retreats, Skype appointments and more. Teaching individuals and couples about their sexuality, how to improve quality and quantity in their sex life, how to reignite the intimacy and connection in relationships and having longer lasting sex, are just a few of the topics we discussed. If you want more from your sex life and relationship, I’d highly recommend these two very down to earth, life and fun loving professionals.
They’re relaxed natures and ease in discussing relationships and sex would make even the coyest of people comfortable and they were kind enough to offer SHESAID tips on any upcoming relationship or sex related articles. Tips from the sexperts guys… Thank you Oztantra!
So, now you know where our info is coming from, lets get into Annette’s top 10 tips for reigniting that honeymoon spark:
1. Remember how to feel – The most common reason relationships go stale is that we shut down emotionally from each other. Make your feelings ok, remembering if you can’t feel yourself, you wont feel someone else.
2. Feeling mistakes – Don’t assume that the man is not feeling just because he may not talk about them or uses different language in talking about it. Men do feel, they just have less permission to show it. And women, don’t assume you ARE, check that you’re actually feeling your feelings in your body rather than thinking your feelings.
3. Be willing to be vulnerable – Being vulnerable is how we are able to connect with another and invite our partner into our world, which can be scary! Consequences of not doing this will ultimately lead to the loss of the relationship. Actively choosing to go there is far less scary.
4. Sleep together naked – Our skin is the largest organ in the body and is longing to be nurtured. As adults we are often touch-hungry, especially for touch that has no agenda to it. Relax and snuggle.
5. Honour yourself – We don’t realise how much we dampen our spirit by the hundreds of negative judgments we make about ourselves. Offer honest appreciation daily.
6. Bring love back into sex – Sex becomes boring and hard work when we let love run out and start performing instead. In sex, seek to connect rather than stimulate. Go slowly, connect eyes and breathe.
7. See each other clearly – Take the time to really listen to what they are saying (like you used to do) and get to know a whole new person.
8. Remove your exits – Long-term relationships can get leaky, where we drain energy away from the relationship. This can result in the ‘invisible divorce’. Too much TV, work, talking with friends, focusing on the kids, porn – all of these factors can negatively effect our relationships.
9. Plan a sex date – Set up a regular time to be sexual. Set the date and time (not late at night). You have other essential appointments, why not make sex one of them? Send texts in the lead-up. Ask your partner what they want, enjoy it with them if it feels ok for you. Vary it so you both get to share.
10. Spend quality time on your own – Sometimes couples can get enmeshed and lose the sense of a unique identity, which is what attracted you in the first place. It is healthy to have some time out on your own now and again.
If you want that honeymoon spark back or would like to find out more, speak to Annette and Graeme from Oztantra. Plus, we will have plenty more Oztantra tips and information coming up on SHESAID.
Image via oztantra.com
Have you ever wondered how you can get your man to last longer in the sack? If you answered a resounding “yes!” and fist pumped with gusto, read on, girlfriend.
Of course, if – like me – you’re old enough to remember musician Sting’s infamous comments about his and wife Trudie Styler’s seven-hour tantric sex sessions, you may have been wondering what the answer is to this age-old quandary ever since.
Now, one would hope that those gruelling seven-hour sex sessions include food and toilet breaks, but is Sting nothing less than superman, or just a highly skilled lover? Sydney sexologist, Dr Michelle Mars (pictured), who specialises in the sociology of sex gender and sexual well-being, says it’s definitely the latter. It is a proven fact that with the right techniques, men can have longer-lasting orgasms and prolong their sexual experiences.
“It is possible for men to orgasm without ejaculating, but it takes practice and mental and physical discipline. The best way to learn is through masturbation and a series of exercises designed to delay orgasm,” Dr Mars says.
“Instead of going straight to ejaculation and a single orgasm, men can learn to have a series of orgasms without ejaculating and, over time, reach a level of transcendence.
“Imagine experiencing the same mental state as you do when you orgasm, but over an extended period of time? I’m talking about that head-exploding feeling men experience when they come, but instead of it being a momentary peak, it goes onwards and upwards.”
Sounds pretty good, doesn’t it?! So, how do sex partners aid the process? “Partners can help a man achieve this to a certain point, but it does require that the man is already experienced in ‘edging’ or at the very least knows what you are trying to achieve,” Dr Mars says.
“Women can learn to be more sensitive to the signs of a man’s ejaculation. Blow jobs are particularly useful here, as is eye contact. Remember rule 34: there is porn of it, no exceptions. Look up ‘edging porn’.”
Well, dear reader, I took the bullet and did just that in the name of journalistic research. Edging porn, according to my internet exploring, is men masturbating up to the edge of orgasm, then stopping to cool things down, and then revving up again. There are three most common versions of edging:
- Watching porn without masturbating.
- Masturbating while viewing porn, but not ejaculating.
- Masturbating without porn and without ejaculating.
So, back to my good mate, the still-handsome at 63-years-of-age Sting: is men’s ability to orgasm without ejaculating the real secret to tantric sex? “I wouldn’t say that it’s the secret, but it is an aspect of tantric sex,” Dr Mars says. “Tantric sex is about ritual, breathing, creating a mood and space. It often requires a series of exercises for a man to get to a certain non-ejaculatory state with a partner.
“Men can learn to get into the headspace of orgasm sans ejaculation without getting into tantric sex; mastering it will allow men to have sex for longer.
“Once you can edge you can basically come if and when you want to. It is also good for men’s overall health to learn to orgasm without ejaculating as men then don’t experience the same energy drain they do with ejaculation.
“Men over 30 shouldn’t ejaculate every time they orgasm and learning to orgasm without ejaculating can be a way to rekindle a man’s sexual interest and energy if it is flagging.”
Consider my mind well and truly blown.
What do you think?
Images via Daily Mail, Hephzibahonline.wordpress.com, Counselheal.com
Australians are more sexually curious and adventurous than ever before, a recent sex study has revealed.
The Under the Covers Sex Survey was commissioned by Australia’s largest adult dating site, Adult Match Maker, in late 2014. Developed by Sydney sexologist, Dr Michelle Mars, who specialises in the sociology of sex gender and sexual well-being, it primarily focussed on sexuality and sexual fantasies.
More than 7,600 Australian respondents answered AMM’s inaugural sex survey anonymously, shedding light on what blows our hair back in the bedroom. So, is straight sex really the norm anymore? Apparently not! And women are more sexually bold and willing to explore and take risks than ever before, according to the sex survey.
“One of the major findings is that we may not all be as straight or as sexually conservative as we think we are,” Dr Mars says. “Women in particular seem to be up to some interesting things!”
Key sex survey findings included: “kinky sex” is a popular fantasy with 60 per cent of respondents, and post-Fifty Shades of Grey, BDSM (bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism) is popular, with 30 per cent of respondents including it in their list of sexual fantasies.
And look out heterosexual blokes, you may have more competition than ever before; 36 per cent of women identified as bisexual and the heterosexual women who took part in the survey are 50 per cent more likely than men to fantasise about women and 50 per cent more likely to act on their fantasies.
In addition, there’s some key differences between what men and women fantasise about.
“Men have a wider range of sexual fantasies, scoring higher in all categories and are more likely to be drawn to hardcore activities such as golden showers and porn,” Dr Mars says. “Women, on the other hand, are more likely to fantasise about sex toys, tantric sex and their partners.
“But 30 per cent of both women and men like the idea of strap-on sex.”
So, what’s so great about strap-on sex?
“The short answer is,” says Dr Mars, “there are all sorts of spots in the anus and vagina that don’t get the attention they might during sex, or perhaps they do get attention but not at the same time, the prostate gland and the penis come to mind.”
Other key survey findings concern our sexual identity. For, some 25 per cent of respondents identified as bisexual, 0.4 per cent of women identified as lesbian, 1.6 per cent of men identified as gay and a further 5 per cent said they are unsure about their current sexual orientation.
Dr Mars says while the lesbian and gay figures are in line with Australian population estimates, the percentage that identified as bisexual or unsure far exceeds previous population study estimates which put the nation’s bisexual population at less than two per cent.
So, in the wake of the sex survey, what’s Dr Mars’ overall advice when it comes to exploring our sexuality? She believes we need to be more light-hearted and pleasure-focused in our sexual thinking.
“When we seriously consider sex we tend to think about health and disease rather than considering the links between sex health, mindfulness and quality of life,” she says. “It’s time we started exploring and understanding our sexuality and the ways it can help us to live happier healthier lives.”
What do you think? Is this in line with your sexual fantasies?
Images, in order, via nypost.com, supplied and www.timeanddate.com.
Sure you’ve heard about tantric sex – probably thanks to Sting and Trudie Tyler. But what exactly is tantric sex, and is it really the key to a better sex life?
Tantric sex is about enjoying intimacy with your partner by focusing on a higher level of satisfaction and togetherness. Think of it as more of a full body and mind experience than day-to-day sex. Like with meditation and yoga, which both have similar ancient roots, tantric sex is about the energy within yourself and connecting deeply with another person. Fans of tantric sex believe sex is much more satisfying than regular sex,
Interested in exploring hot and sweaty tantric sex? Try these great sex positions for a taste of tantric.
Maintaining eye contact and feeling each other’s bodies is key in tantric sex, so the Yab Yum position is a perfect place to start. The man sits cross-legged while the woman climbs on top and wraps her legs around him. The man rocks gently and can start off slow and gradually build up to one of tantric sex’s greatest gifts: simultaneous orgasm. The friction of touching bodies makes the moment of penetration more satisfying than jumping right in. His hands are free to roam and stimulate the body, and you’re both aligned to share kisses.
Another face-to-face position that leads to a lot of kissing and eye contact is the spooning position but with both partners facing together. It is easy to get into this position: just roll the missionary position on its side. Depending on your comfort level, one leg may stay under the man or both can be together rested across his legs. Focus on synchronising breaths and becoming in tune with each other’s movements.
Hop up onto the counter top or washing machine and wrap your legs around your man’s waist as he takes control of the situation by grabbing onto the hips or butt. Lean back and rest on your hands or elbows to create a bit of distance and enjoy an erotic view of your lover’s body.
Find a comfortable, low piece of furniture to rest on, but instead of laying flat like the Padlock position, raise the hips against his pelvis. He should have a firm grip on the butt to guide himself in. Hold the table to match his thrusts, and focus on synchronising your motions and breath.
The Double Decker
Among the great sex positions for mutual satisfaction and intimacy includes the woman laying on top while facing away from the man. Begin by sitting in reverse cowgirl position and lay back against his chest. Take control by pressing your feet against the bed to create a sliding motion. Enjoy his warm breathing on the back of the neck and listen for his cues to slow down or speed up.
Grab a chair and have him sit down. Slowly lower onto him until your feet touch the floor, reaching full penetration. Although you’re in the driver’s seat for this one, your man can get a good grip on your butt to guide your hips in rhythm. Speed up or slow down and guide each other to simultaneous orgasm.
The Ascent to Desire
This is quite the athletic sex position. Have your man pick you up into his arms while he’s standing. Holding his neck for support, lean back and work your hips as he holds onto your butt. It may not be for every couple, but it is exciting for those daring enough to try.
Have you tried tantric sex?