Wit

Weekend Wit: World’s Worst Jobs

I recently came across this funny on Facebook and it prompted me to take a look at the world’s worst jobs – The sort of jobs that you’d need to be paid copious amounts of money to even entertain the thought of doing. Now I’m amazed that some of these jobs even exist. For example, which sadist thought of paying a person to literally watch grass grow or paint dry… 8-12 hours a day? OMG, shoot me now!

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That actually doesn’t seem so bad when you consider there are some truly revolting jobs out there. Just think how much would you need to be paid to sniff the flatulence of strangers, especially the old nanas? Have you ever smelled an 80-year-old woman fart? It’s certainly something only a professional flatulence sniffer is trained to handle.

The there the people who swim through raw sewerage. Yuk. Seriously there isn’t enough money on the planet to want that gig. Then there’s people who collect animal semen via manual simulation. Image their resume which got them the job in the first place?

Job title: Professional Animal Ejaculation Collector

Career objective: I’m hoping to work for a progressive company where I can work closely with animals. I have a gentle approach and trust me when I say, your animals will be in good hands.

What about the crime scene cleaners? Are they really just psychopaths trying to hide in plain sight like Dexter? Surly your average cleaner couldn’t cope with that sort of mess, not to mention to the visual or the smell. How would they sleep at night?

Now stop and envisage the meetings where all these jobs would have all been originally proposed. What do you think initial reactions were? “Gee boss, 8 hours a day watching paint dry….what a marvelous idea!” said the brown noser in the corner. Perhaps some of the other staff made a mental note to Google inpatient mental health facilities when they got back to their desks. Clearly their boss has ever so slightly tipped over the edge and lost the plot.

Incredibly there are so many jobs which people do everyday which make the rest of us question….HOW? or perhaps more appropriately WHY? Why would a seemingly normal person decide to start cleaning crime scenes? Why would another be willingly to swim through raw sewerage? The mind really does boggle at what goes on amidst this floating circle we live on and call Earth.

So folks enjoy your weekend off and be thankful you do what you do. All things considered….it really could be a heck of a lot worse!

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April 18, 2015

Weekend Wit: Jesus – Secret Advocate for Commerce

I recently had to organise travel plans and noticed that getting around is going to cost a bit extra in honour of Jesus who died over 2000 years ago. Is it just me or does it sound a bit bizarre? I’ve thought for a long time from the bits I’ve heard about Jesus that he actually sounded like the very first hippy.

No, not the 1960s free love sort that you’re visualising but the type of hippy that roamed around not too fussed about a regular address. The ultimate couch surfer. Surrounded by people who just wanted to hang with him as he went around promoting love and peace and all that. That sort of hippy. Aren’t they sort of anti-commerce, anti-ownership types?

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So, have I missed something very important here? Or has commerce got the thought of Jesus very wrong and sort of screwing with his image a bit? I don’t know. Maybe it’s me and I just haven’t got the gist of what he was really about.

Perhaps as well as being the Christian Savior of Souls, Jesus was actually a secret advocate for commerce. Seriously. Think about it. People apparently flocked to him and I imagine it would have cost them a bit to be by his side. They did a fair amount of traveling. I can’t imagine he would have had to pay for much with all those followers supporting him. He wasn’t a carpenter all his life so someone was obviously sponsoring his cause. Hmm…. the first to be sponsored and the first hippy perhaps?

Millions of people Christian or not celebrate his birth and death every year. Perhaps Jesus would like it to costs us a fortune and boost our commerce sector in his honour? He apparently died over 2000 years ago and still he continues to influence our economy. Surely only the ultimate advocate for commerce could get that sort of recognition?

Anyway, let’s not speculate any further. I want to check out some evidence so I’ll start with the people who are working Easter weekend. After all they keep commerce running. Is it double or triple time you’re getting paid folks? If not, it bloody well should be. Your employers are going to make a killing this Easter long weekend in honour of Jesus.

The hardware shops for one are expecting a bonanza Easter long weekend. Fours full days to complete those DIY projects everyone. Come on, it won’t cost much to finish that decking and pergola. Jesus has once again provided time off to get it done, so get to it! The hardware shops will be thanking Jesus secret advocacy for commerce. Easter would surly be their busiest time of the year. Thank you Jesus… Ka-Ching!!!

Then of course there’s the chocolate manufacturers. The ultimate Easter commerce champions. Some have had their products on supermarket shelves since the week after Christmas.

After Easter, chocolate will be on special. Smart fundraising teams will be handing out their annual chocolate boxes to families to raise money. I ran a few of those, so yeah, guilty! They actually don’t expect you to sell a single chocolate but, over the weeks after Easter, they know your family will slowly consume what’s in front of them. While the taste of chocolate is on everyone’s lips they know your family won’t be able to resist. Nasty, hey?!

Image chasinjesus.blogspot.com

April 4, 2015

Weekend Wit: What If Toddlers Were In Charge?

On TV recently I saw a toddler roaming freely around a moving car. When questioned, it was stated that the toddler refused to sit in the seat or wear a belt. I think the child was about two years old. Now despite the fact it was ludicrous stating this as a valid excuse to avoid a fine, it did get the cogs turning. I thought to myself, what if all toddlers were really in charge? Can you imagine what that scenario would look like behind closed doors?

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For starters, I wonder what would be on the menu? Fruit, veggies and custard with stewed apples? I highly doubt it. As soon as that kid got a taste of McDonald’s and began collecting those happy meal figurines I’m pretty sure fruit and veggies wouldn’t get much of a look in. As far as drinks go, I reckon they’d ditch their water bottles or pop tops and go for a nice cold glass of Coke. They don’t care if they don’t sleep or if their teeth rot.

Which brings me to bedtime. As they’re fully hyped up on sugar and processed foods, bedtime would become a thing of the past. An overtired toddler has no idea what’s going on. They just scream until they get their own way. Which, by the way, they have no idea what that is. What’s the bet they’d hold out until they couldn’t hold out anymore and just drop on the spot and sleep where ever they happened to land.

Be aware though that as soon as you move them, they’ll wake up. A toddler in charge wants attention day and night, especially when you want to sleep. Not to mention that your sex life will definitely suffer. Toddlers don’t know that mummy and daddy need alone time. When they do finally sleep, they’d prefer to do it snuggled up next to you. This not only assures attention but will prevent you from having another child. This means they’ll get to rule the roost for years to come and never be required to share.

Now bathtime could possibly go one way or the other depending on the child’s preference. You could either get a nudist always wanting warm water for the tub or a stinky baby who won’t go near it. Toddlers don’t have a middle ground and it will be all or nothing.

As far as entertainment goes, the TV would be permanently on and switched to ABC kids. If they’ve grasped the concept of DVDs you might get a continuous playback of the Wiggles, Dora the Explorer or Thomas the Tank engine. You can forget the late-night crime shows or reality TV. Hubby can totally forget about watching sport as well. Toddlers just aren’t into that and remember it’s all about them, so you’ll have no say.

There won’t be any more adult outings either. All trips would either be to the local park, beach or swimming pool. They generally hate the shops, so you’d need to order everything online. Plus you won’t be heading to the movies, pub or club anytime soon. You may get away with visiting friends or relatives but as soon as the toddlers had enough you’ll need to leave.

You may get to sneak off to work but the toddler won’t be too happy when mum leaves the house. They have no idea that work equals housing, food and entertainment. If you’re lucky, all income will need to be brought in by dad if the toddler lets him leave. There won’t be working from home options either. That toddler’s going to demand your attention 24/7.

In the car, you’ll probably experience what the toddler did at the beginning of the story. Defiant till the end, they won’t want to be restrained. They have no fear and safety to a toddler isn’t even a word! They’ll jump around from front to back and probably end up perched in the front seat on the driver’s lap driving the damn car. They don’t care they just want the best view.

So consider the chaos it would cause if toddlers did run the show. Was it just in the car that the toddler had control? I somehow doubt that. Perhaps this a glimpse at how they really live? Hmm, the mind really does boggle. What were these people thinking? Don’t they know toddlers grow into teens? If they think their life is bad now, wait till that happens!

Image parentwin.com

February 22, 2015

Weekend Wit: Life As A Non-Drinking Aussie

Life as a non-drinking Aussie isn’t easy. In fact, I’d liken it to trying to remain a virgin in a whore house. Now we all know there’s usually someone keen who’s trying to bed the virgin, right? Well, being a non-drinker when everyone else is drinking can be much the same.

It doesn’t matter what the occasion either. Family gatherings, barbecues, festivals, sporting events – it’s normal Aussie behaviour to have a drink in your hand.

RELATED: Weekend Wit: The drunken proposal

I even ended up at a baptist church picnic and the conversion began. Not the religious variety which I had anticipated either. I went along expecting a dry event and reprieve from the relentless onslaught. Yet out came the bottle of bubbly and wham-o! As I passed my plastic picnic glass along the familiar conversation about my abnormality began.

Now if I wasn’t safe among the God fearing Christians…actually strike that. The monks have always had a hankering for mead. Plus they do drink wine in church. Add the fact they were Australian and thinking back I was being totally naive. What was I thinking?

I should have known that if there’s an excuse to crack a can or pop a cork Aussie’s will generally support it. Look at Australia Day? Even though most people need to return to work the next day it’s no deterrent. Our culture dictates we all want to have fun but it also encourages that we should be drinking to do it.

I recent heard a survey on the radio that stated something like 60% of Victorians don’t drink alcohol to get drunk. So I’m not a total alien after all but that does mean that the remaining 40% are out to have a damn good time! Maybe that’s the populations percentage I’m surrounded by?

Now I’m not against having a drink or dozen if that’s what you wana do. It’s just that I’ve been there done that and don’t feel like drinking anymore. The thing I just don’ get is why a non-drinking Aussie has the capacity to make the drinkers so uncomfortable?

Is it because they’re worried their drunken escapades will end up on social media? From what I’ve witnessed I reckon they’re more than capable of doing that themselves. Isn’t it a fact that some drunken Aussie invented the selfie? Probably not but it shoulda been.

As a sober Aussie among the drinkers I can and do join in the fun but sometimes the different wave lengths are a little annoying. Quite often drunk Aussies aren’t nearly as funny as they think they are. It’s amazing what this lot will laugh at and consider funny.

Thankfully the term designated driver is now a valid excuse for choosing coffee over champaz. I would have hated to be a non-drinking Aussie twenty plus years ago though. Driving wasn’t accepted as a valid excuse to remaining sober. They’re weren’t designated drivers. They just had those who weren’t as wasted as the others and they were thrown the car keys! Imagine the peer pressure back then?

Yeah, life as a sober Aussie isn’t for the faint hearted. For many the more times they say no to a drink the more times it’s offered. (That’s a tip for anyone wanting free alcohol BTW) Mind you us teetotalers do come in handy. Which Aussie on a mission wouldn’t want a willing allocated driver for those occasions hey? Come to think of it I do get invited to a lot of outings. Umm, maybe being a non-drinking Aussie isn’t such a bad thing after all?!

Image via theleader.com.au

February 14, 2015

Weekend Wit: Is Penis Size A Myth?

Is penis size a myth? Hmm, it depends which side of the equation you sit on this. Some say yes it is a myth and others say absolutely not! Penis size does matter, in fact it matters a heck of a lot.

I’d like to say for argument sake and to make men out there feel better by saying that penis size is a big fat urban myth. Just because a man is well endowed it doesn’t automatically qualify said man as being an incredible lover. I know some women out there will be jumping up and down right now, but wait ladies. If you think I’m wrong let me take you for a bit of a journey and provide some proof. Yes there is actual proof!

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The tradie

Being a tremendous lover is like any other skill that’s acquired. It’s not something men put on their resume or display on their LinkedIn account for all the world to see, but we can agree it’s a skill nonetheless. Tradies also have skills, yeah?

Now, when women hire tradies to fix their cars or something around their homes, they don’t base their selection on the size of the tradies tools now do they? Do they choose a mechanic by the size of the money wrench? Carpenter by the size of the hammer or plumber by the size of a plunger? No they don’t. How bloody bizarre would that be?

Instead they might chat to a few, get a couple of quotes and base their decision on the best quote or the tradie they feel most confident with. See where I’m heading with this? Tool size and skill have no connection people. None. Unless a tradie skillfully knows how to operate their tools, they won’t get the job done properly at all. A man with a hammer does not a carpenter make. Understand?

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Sex toys
Now if penis size was a defining factor to get women off why are there vibrators the size of an index finger? Also, why is this size one of the best selling vibrators and why do manufactorors continue to come up with more colours, designs and so forth? Plus, why wouldn’t the sex toy industry just make all vibrators and dildos the size of a well endowed man or larger, if all that mattered was penis size? Why?

Well I’ll tell you why. Size does not matter. Simple. Plus how on earth would a woman manage to keep a vibrator hidden in her handbag if they were all made based on the myth that bigger is better?

Image for a second a woman rummaging through her handbag as most women are known to do. She’s right in the middle of her favorite busy cafe about to pay for her morning latte. As she’s pulling out her purse out flies one of those extra large vibrators with a strong resemblance to a gigantic penis. OMG can you imagine! Is bigger better now ladies?

These women know that a small discrete bullet sized vibrator will do the job. Plus if the above fore-mentioned scenario did happen most people would think she’s just dropped her lipstick, not her favorite sex toy. She can calmly pick it up, pop it back in her handbag and no-one would be the wiser. I don’t think she could do that with something bigger, do you?

 

It’s what’s attached that counts

Most women would have to agree that what’s attached to the penis far outweighs penis size. If penis size was the only thing that mattered men wouldn’t be covering up. They’d be heading to the nearest plastic surgeon, getting massive implants and parading around their most prized possession.

Much like those women with ridiculously large boob jobs who are known to parade around rich old men like Geoffrey Edelsten, for them to make their breast selection. Oh sorry their wife selection. Clearly these men believe the bigger the better. Hmm, I wonder if that applies to them? OMG what am I saying? Sorry I really don’t wonder. Particularly in these cases I’m very glad men aren’t parading around, penis out!

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Evolution

Lastly, I’m pulling out the big guns and offering scientific proof! If women preferred well endowed men why are there so many men walking around with small penises? Wouldn’t the evolutionary process of natural selection have snuffed them out by now? Think about that one.

Images: huffingtonpost.com, groupon.ca, reddit.com, pintrest.com

February 7, 2015

Weekend Wit: The Drunken Proposal

We all get that proposing marriage can be a nerve wrecking experience but the drunken proposal is just plain wrong. I’ve actually had this happen to me more than once! So, chances are that if one woman has experienced this multiple times it must be a bit of a trend. I maybe wrong, but it is a possibility. It might also be that I just totally lucked out and probably not in a good way either.

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Now, the first time I received a drunken proposal, I fell for it. I was young, dumb and in love. It didn’t matter how he proposed just as long as he did. It seemed everyone around us was in proposal mode, so I figured sooner or later it would be my turn. Sure enough it was, at the worst time possible! I happened to be so drunk when receiving the proposal, that when I woke up I had to ask whether or not it actually happened. Had I dreamed it? Was it real? And, more importantly, did I accept?

Hungover and desperate for answers I discovered that apparently I had. Hmmm, not exactly the way I’d pictured it. Perhaps this is the reason I switched from alcohol to coffee? I do recall not getting that drunk for a very, very long time!

Anyways, I might be a bit old-fashioned here but there are still plenty of ladies out there that believe one day the man or woman (I won’t discriminate, even though laws do) of their dreams will actually show up. To add to this fantasy, they’ll eventually get down on one knee and ask the question, “will you marry me?” In her mind it will be perfect.

They will probably be somewhere romantic, candles, soft music and the love of her life down on one knee, holding hands, asking earnestly if she’d give them the honor of becoming the wife. (It’s actually quite difficult writing this gender neutral, but you get the gist.) We’ve seen it on The Bachelor, heard it it fair tales like Cinderella, so surely that’s how it’s supposed to go?

So, image the horror when this image is replaced by the reality of a drunken proposal? There’s no romance, or very little and they’re probably down on two knees because they’re far too wasted to balance on one. The words spill out of their mouth so slurred that they are almost unrecognizable and the speech they had prepared goes totally out the window. Basically they’re that drunk that the words flow out like, “willyamaryme” as if it’s one word rather than a phrase.

Unfortunately it isn’t pretty but I can understand that it’s easily done. The individual is so nervous preparing and looking for the right time to propose that they choose to have a few drinks to calm their nerves. Those few drinks turns into a few too many and voilà! Thankfully by the second drunken proposal I’d learned my lesson and demanded the romance, which is perhaps why I’m still waiting for it?

It’s not all bad though. There is something worse than the drunken proposal. I’ve seen it happen to others and those poor souls accepted and then had their proposal revoked. Ouch! Having awoken the next morning the proposer took another look at their bride to be and thought, hell no! What have I done? Suffice to say not exactly relationships made in heaven. So, I’m certainly not going to complain. At least I haven’t had to endure that!

Image via fc03.deviantart.net

January 31, 2015

Weekend Wit: The Work/Life Balance

The work/life balance. Is it only for people with a few bucks or does it actually exist for people on minimal wage? Perhaps it’s one of those 21st century myths created by the wealthy to inspire people who are struggling to work for peanuts, raise kids, look after elderly parents, have a social life, do things for others or the community and try to somehow sneak in valuable time out? Should they be so optimistic or is it a mythical ploy to make them work harder?

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Now, we’ve all been told that everything is achievable if we are prepared to put in the hard work. However, achieving the work/life balance when the chips are down and the funds are low is actually achieved by doing the opposite. Like to know what I’m on about?

From my experience, work/life achievers without money to fund the balance, usually don’t care for elderly parents needing constant attention, combined with kids who demand the latest iPhone. They might have one or the other, but probably not both. As far as community involvement, they might attend functions, events and social engagements in their spare time but you rarely see them in the trenches organising any of it.

What these work/life balancers know is how to effectively say no to passing responsibilities like taking on that extra shift, child minding, transporting a 90-year-old nan to the doctor or fundraising for the local community. Purely focused on the balance they so desperately require, they don’t feel a bit guilty about it either. They know that someone else will pick up the slack, so they can sit back and have it all.

That someone is usually their single sibling who works full-time, has four kids and rolls their sleeves up at the local school during functions. They will “choose” to take nan to the doctor, in lieu of time out. Unfortunately for them, they do have a conscience and rather than successfully achieving their work/life balance, they effectively work their way further from it. It doesn’t seem quite fair, does it?

In this case, achieving the work/life balance is actually based on not putting in the hard yards at all. If they can get others to do that on their behalf, then they’ll be able to get there. However if they do the hard work themselves, they are pretty much out of luck.

So, effectively it appears that achieving a work-life balance isn’t for everyone and for some it is a mythical 21st century ploy which makes them continue to work harder. Those with some money have a better chance because they can outsource some of their responsibilities. Those without it, combined with a conscience probably won’t get there. Plus, if they have a sibling who manages to acquire it, they’re pretty much screwed!

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January 24, 2015