Witty-stories

Weekend Wit: What If Toddlers Were In Charge?

On TV recently I saw a toddler roaming freely around a moving car. When questioned, it was stated that the toddler refused to sit in the seat or wear a belt. I think the child was about two years old. Now despite the fact it was ludicrous stating this as a valid excuse to avoid a fine, it did get the cogs turning. I thought to myself, what if all toddlers were really in charge? Can you imagine what that scenario would look like behind closed doors?

RELATED: Weekend Wit: Kids say the darnedest things

For starters, I wonder what would be on the menu? Fruit, veggies and custard with stewed apples? I highly doubt it. As soon as that kid got a taste of McDonald’s and began collecting those happy meal figurines I’m pretty sure fruit and veggies wouldn’t get much of a look in. As far as drinks go, I reckon they’d ditch their water bottles or pop tops and go for a nice cold glass of Coke. They don’t care if they don’t sleep or if their teeth rot.

Which brings me to bedtime. As they’re fully hyped up on sugar and processed foods, bedtime would become a thing of the past. An overtired toddler has no idea what’s going on. They just scream until they get their own way. Which, by the way, they have no idea what that is. What’s the bet they’d hold out until they couldn’t hold out anymore and just drop on the spot and sleep where ever they happened to land.

Be aware though that as soon as you move them, they’ll wake up. A toddler in charge wants attention day and night, especially when you want to sleep. Not to mention that your sex life will definitely suffer. Toddlers don’t know that mummy and daddy need alone time. When they do finally sleep, they’d prefer to do it snuggled up next to you. This not only assures attention but will prevent you from having another child. This means they’ll get to rule the roost for years to come and never be required to share.

Now bathtime could possibly go one way or the other depending on the child’s preference. You could either get a nudist always wanting warm water for the tub or a stinky baby who won’t go near it. Toddlers don’t have a middle ground and it will be all or nothing.

As far as entertainment goes, the TV would be permanently on and switched to ABC kids. If they’ve grasped the concept of DVDs you might get a continuous playback of the Wiggles, Dora the Explorer or Thomas the Tank engine. You can forget the late-night crime shows or reality TV. Hubby can totally forget about watching sport as well. Toddlers just aren’t into that and remember it’s all about them, so you’ll have no say.

There won’t be any more adult outings either. All trips would either be to the local park, beach or swimming pool. They generally hate the shops, so you’d need to order everything online. Plus you won’t be heading to the movies, pub or club anytime soon. You may get away with visiting friends or relatives but as soon as the toddlers had enough you’ll need to leave.

You may get to sneak off to work but the toddler won’t be too happy when mum leaves the house. They have no idea that work equals housing, food and entertainment. If you’re lucky, all income will need to be brought in by dad if the toddler lets him leave. There won’t be working from home options either. That toddler’s going to demand your attention 24/7.

In the car, you’ll probably experience what the toddler did at the beginning of the story. Defiant till the end, they won’t want to be restrained. They have no fear and safety to a toddler isn’t even a word! They’ll jump around from front to back and probably end up perched in the front seat on the driver’s lap driving the damn car. They don’t care they just want the best view.

So consider the chaos it would cause if toddlers did run the show. Was it just in the car that the toddler had control? I somehow doubt that. Perhaps this a glimpse at how they really live? Hmm, the mind really does boggle. What were these people thinking? Don’t they know toddlers grow into teens? If they think their life is bad now, wait till that happens!

Image parentwin.com

February 22, 2015

Weekend Wit: Yet Another Single New Year?

As the countdown to the new year begins, everyone is planning where they will be and who they will be with when the clock strikes twelve. Plenty of couples stay home together New Years Eve. They’ve had their single fun and as the years pass by they begin falling asleep before midnight, ignoring the traditions and just pass it off as yet another night in as the rest of the world celebrates.

For singles, though it’s something very different. It’s a magical night filled with possibilities. Not many singles sit home on New Years Eve. It’s usually the biggest night of the year because they’re all out there celebrating the start of the new year and what it has to offer. Will it be a new romance, a new job or new life? The passing of one year to the next is an opportunity singles don’t want to miss out on.

They also have that traditional New Years kiss lingering in the back of their mind. Will they miss out or will they find someone to kiss as the clock strikes midnight? Who will it be? Will it be Mr or Mrs Right they meet and kiss on this magical evening?

In reality, those who do land a hot steamy kiss on New Years Eve are usually plucked out of the crowd when other singles see they have no-one to lock lips with. This only happens because everyone has had way too much to drink and inhibitions suddenly disappear because it’s New Years Eve and kissing is expected.

Regretfully, it probably won’t be the magical experience of two strangers meeting, embracing and living happily ever after. No. It will be more like being grabbed by an intoxicated stranger and having their tongue shoved down ya throat!

You know the kisses I mean? The ones that are all tongue and no lips. It’s almost like the lips don’t connect at all as the tongue takes centre stage. In reality, the stranger is probably only an hour off of passing out and it’s like they are trying to get all the tongue action they are going to get all year, in that one sloppy New Year kiss. I’m not too sure what’s so magical about that, but plenty of singles are out there New Years Eve and this is what a large majority experience.

When you stop and think about it, it’s a bizarre phenomenon, this New Years Eve kissing thing. As the clock strikes midnight, french kissing in public is the norm, not the exception. Society dictates that adults and teens for that matter, should have their tongue twisting around in someone else’s mouth. Seriously, it’s one of those traditions which makes me wonder where on earth did this come from?

Was it a shy single who wanted to take advantage of flowing booze and high spirits? Maybe they thought it was the only way they’d actually land a kiss during the year; right smack bang when it starts. Was it some intoxicated stranger who kissed another intoxicated stranger on New Years Eve and started this?

No. Apparently it was the Romans. How many centuries ago was that?! Now those people were known for avid promiscuity because they weren’t only partaking in public kissing! It was more like a New Years Eve orgy and everyone got in on the act. Ha-ha, we think our society is sex oriented. Those randy Romans really knew how to welcome in the New Year with a bang!

It’s quite amusing how their ummm tradition, has made its way into our century in a much tamer fashion and continues to engage singles year after year. Even though they aren’t publicly shagging their way into the New Year like the Romans; there remains a certain magic of New Years Eve for singles. So, if you’re single on New Years Eve, enjoy the freedom, land that kiss and thank heaven and hell you aren’t an ancient Roman!

Image via https://c1.staticflickr.com/7/6165/6200546381_565f1ceed2_z.jpg

December 28, 2014