‘Cause ain’t nobody got time for fuckboys.
I try to be discerning with who I swipe right to on Tinder.
I’m after something more than just a few hours of fun with a handsome stranger. Unfortunately, though, it doesn’t matter how discerning I am with my swiping, a serial sex pest will always make their way into my matches.
Most men I match with are lovely to chat with. Sometimes there’s a spark that will lead to a first date, other times it’s just small talk to fill in a boring afternoon.
But sometimes idle conversation about our hobbies and respective jobs unexpectedly turns into a sexual proposition, or worse still, the dreaded dick pic, from someone I’ve only been chatting to for five minutes, regardless of how hard I try to steer the conversation back in a more wholesome direction. I like to call these guys Tinder sex pests, or TSPs.
The TSP is well-trained at dodging any hints I might throw his way at the fact I’m not interested in his creepy breed of courtship. He sees every time he talks to me as an opportunity to say inappropriate things and getting closer to his main goal; getting me in the bedroom. Fobbing off a TSP is a full-on art, requiring copious amounts of one-upping and outsmarting. Here are a few of the tricks I’ve picked up over the years for giving one the flick…
1. I play them at their own game
I was chatting with a guy who kept throwing in sexual comments throughout our messages. I knew he was keen to sleep with me, but I politely dismissed his advances. Then he started to get more aggressive with his approach, so I thought I’d give him a taste of his own medicine. I told him the reason I was avoiding his sexual advances was because my pelvis felt broken from rough sex the night before. Conversation aborted.
2. I respond with random song lyrics
Whilst he’s turning our Tinder messages into a running commentary of every sexual act he’s ever heard of, I’m choosing to write back with cryptic song lyrics until he gets the point, or I roll on the floor laughing my ass off. He asks if I wanna see his junk? I respond, ‘You want a hot body? You want a Bugatti?
You want a Maserati? You better work bitch.’
3. I un-match them
If a man is being potentially aggressive and showing little respect for me, I won’t play into his antics, I’ll just un-match his profile and move on. A slightly more boring approach, but when it comes to fuck boys, ain’t nobody got time for that.
4. I’m direct AF
If a guy keeps outright asking for sex, I won’t dance around the question if I’m not interested. I’ll be assertive and confident and respond with a simple, ‘Sorry, but I think we’re after different things. Hope you find what you’re looking for’. It’s a very classy way to assert your boundaries.
5. I tell him our dialogue is inspiring my next article
Some men freak out when they find out I write sex and dating articles. If a guy is getting a bit too crass and I’ve made it apparent I’m not into his sleazy idea of a come-on, he’ll always take a few steps back when I let him know he’s inspiring my next article.
6. I question his approach
A way to bump his ego down a few levels is to critique his approach to getting me in the bedroom, a littlke of the old, ‘How’s that workin’ for ya?’ mind fuck. Calling him cute and asking him how many times this futile attempt at catching cooch has actually worked is a guaranteed way to get him to leave me the hell alone.
7. I mention my mother
If a man sends an unsolicited dick pic, I make sure to respond with something that’ll totally put him off of his game, like, ‘Oh, that’s so cute! Do you mind if I screenshot this and send it to my mother? She’ll get a laugh out of it.’
8. I scare the crap out of him
If I’m feeling particularly playful (or bored), I’ll dial up the crazy TSP and respond to his sexual requests with our imaginary wedding plans, names of our future children and the font I’ll use when I get his name tattooed on my butt; then wait for the hilarious fumbled response that inevitably follows.
Images via o-mighty.com and giphy.com.
Comment: How do you fob off sleazy people on Tinder?