Weekend Wit: A Sheldon Inspired Relationship Agreement

March 7, 2015
sheldon, amy, the big bang theory, the relationship agreement

The beloved Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory might be onto something with that relationship agreement of his. So I’ve come up with one most people in a relationship would probably agree with that includes all the goods for both genders.

I’ll start with farting, bin night and remote controls. Yep! Then I’ll move onto waiting, knowing a real yes from a fake yes and menstrual cycles. That’s a bit of a give away, isn’t it? The last is an ultimatum for anyone sleeping with a snorer. So, lets see what this relationship agreement looks like, shall we?

RELATED: Weekend Wit: Men And Menstruation

1. Farting

While we know men win the quantity war, when it comes to quality, ladies win hands down. All that holding in really does pay off big time, boys! So in a relationship agreement I’d like to place a few restrictions on farting.

Farting on your partner: Fun, but no, we can lose that. Dropping your guts in a confined space and locking your partner in to sample your handy work is out. Also, slipping out a silent but deadly variety in public: Do not stand next to your partner and walk away so people think it’s her. Basically, I’d like to take the ‘torture your partner’ element right out of farting. Sound fair?

2. Bin night

Ironically councils pick up bins on a schedule. Learn the schedule! Surely you don’t need to be told each week that it’s bin night OR which bin goes out? You know what’s on channel 7 each night so schedule it to coincide with your favorite TV show and voila, remembered!

3. Remote controls

Relationship agreement issue number three: Remote controls should have equal time in front of BOTH partners. Plus, channel surfing during commercials should only be done if you can time the surfing correctly. Don’t linger and forget which show you are watching. Plus, there are menu’s available on remote controls to choose a channel – it’s usually marked EPG and sometimes it’s red and sometimes it’s black. Please use it! Channel surfing for the person not in control of the remote is just plain irritating.

4. Waiting

If you consistently make your partner wait for you, please stop! Surely it doesn’t take 25 minutes to buy milk at the shop while they wait in the car? An hour to get ready (if they’re lucky)? Maybe it’s making that cuppa in the middle of a DVD when you suddenly get an urge to do the dishes or clean the kitchen while they’re are waiting? It CAN be done tomorrow.

5. Real yes vs a fake yes

When your partner says yes to something they really don’t want to do, don’t take them up on it. Get to know the vital difference between a real yes and a fake yes. An example is shopping: Your partner has NO desire to window shop. Putting them through it is just torturous.

You know you only ask to be polite anyway. And he only says yes to be polite back. You really don’t care if he comes along. In fact, let’s be honest – it’s better when he doesn’t. When you hear a fake yes, take it at face value as the no they’d prefer to say. Sometimes they are just too scared to say the ‘n’ word in case it does mean something to you and you never let them forget it.

6. Your menstrual cycle

Now unless you are about to have sex, your partner does not want to know anything about what time of the month it is. Let’s make this a ‘need to know’ item on the relationship agreement. They don’t need to know if you feel like your uterus is being ripped away and literally dragged into your vagina by forces of nature. Take a pill, vanish the pain and shut up about it. They have nothing to compare it with to understand anyway.

The thing to remember is this: The image they want of your vagina has NOTHING to do with menstrual cycles. And they’d very much prefer to keep it that way!

7. The ultimate relationship agreement item

If either of you snores and keeps their partner up all night, go to the damn doctor! Laying next to a freight train all night literally makes people sick because they can’t sleep. Don’t make your partner race off to bed to get to sleep before you. Don’t make them stuff paper or plugs in their ears to drown out the sound. And don’t use it as payback for something you find irritating about them (no matter how tempting that really does sound). You can’t make them suffer in what they wish was silence!

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