It’s all fun and games until bodily juices ruin the couch. Warning: Graphic content. Republished from Whimn.com.au.
When Alice, 25, first thought of having an orgy with friends, she thought she was manifesting her wildest sexual destiny.
The reality, dear reader, was quite different.
Organized casually with Alice’s best friend, they agreed to have a foursome with their respective boyfriends one day after watching V For Vendetta. They were all enthusiastic and consenting to the idea, so once they got bored of the on-screen rebellion, they moved to the bedroom.
“Things quickly started going wrong in an almost comic fashion,” Alice says with a laugh. “We’d been drinking quite a bit and so the first problem occurred when my boyfriend couldn’t get hard thanks to whiskey dick. It was the middle of summer and we were all in a room with a single fan to keep us cool, so you’d touch someone’s back and it would be coated in a thick sheen of sweat. And look, a bit of sweat is fine but the mattress was drenched by the end, which just isn’t sanitary.
She continues, “And then, at the point where I began having sex with my friend’s boyfriend, she started getting upset. It was a bit of a disaster and I just ended up having a shower with her while the boys watched.”
Orgies are, for the most part, conceptualized as the Everest of sexual liberation: only the most daring, free and confident among us would ever get to the point of participating or hosting an orgy. It’s something that most people either are interested in because of the perceived sexual debauchery of it all, or they’re scandalized by for the same reasons.
It’s often the bucket list item to end all bucket list items, as Jennifer, 32, attests to, while explaining it only caused her more problems. “I once had this deep anxiety that I ‘needed’ to have an orgy because it was a sexual bucket list tick,” she tells whimn.com.au. “I had the same fear about a threesome but then I ended up having one (not planned). I got into such an anxiety spiral over it before I realized there would always be something I haven’t done, even if I do have an orgy one day. I’ll find a new sexual bucket list thing to obsess about.”
Jennifer and Alice’s accounts reveal the reality for most orgies: rather than all-you-can-get orgasms, often, it’s just a lot of admin, OH&S and interpersonal politics.
It’s all well and good to think you can get a bunch of friends in a room to root until you realize how many different factors are at play when it comes down to having a sex party that doesn’t end in emotional or sexual trauma.
I didn’t even get to the actual orgy when a friend and I decided we wanted to organize one two years ago because when we sat down to discuss the logistics, the questions began piling up – quickly.
How many people do you have? Where do you have it? Is everyone having sex in one big room or a venue with multiple spaces? Who do you invite? Singles only or do you invite couples? Do you have snacks at the orgy? What about alcohol and drugs? Surely people need some kind of social lubrication but not too much that the people with penises would risk getting Whiskey dick? How do you invite people – Facebook event, text message? “Hey, throwing an orgy on Wednesday night, wanna come?”
“People think they’re going to have a lot of fun and they don’t realize how much work it is,” sex educator and therapist Tanya Koens laughs as we discuss the reality of organizing an orgy, also known as a sex party. “Prepare for all your wildest fantasies not coming true.”
As we talk, it’s clear that there are some foundational components you need to consider when planning an orgy that most people probably don’t: Physical and emotional safety, consent, venue, etiquette and rules – lots of rules. Because when you’re talking about an intensely intimate activity like an orgy, there are a lot of things that can go wrong if you don’t plan accordingly and set expectations early.
She explains that extensive organization has to go into a sex party before you think about hosting one, and if you do intend on being the host, “it’s actually not going to be that fun for you because you’re going to have to run around and make sure everything’s okay, you won’t get any time to participate in the orgy.”
Because, and this is maybe a factor most people casually wanting to organize a party with friends don’t consider, good orgies have duty managers and an emotional support person (how many you need will depend on the number of orgy attendees), who rove the party and ensure everyone is having a good time and no one is uncomfortable or put in an unsafe situation. For this reason, ideally the orgy should be located in a venue with multiple rooms: for example, one for watching-only, one for participation and one for chilling out. Koens adds alcohol should be capped at a certain (minimal) point as it can make having an open line of consent at all times problematic.
Cleanliness is next to sexiness
A good orgy is also a clean orgy, with Koens noting that bodily fluids are, obviously, at their excess in such an environment and as such, you need to come prepared. She says ‘safer sex’ doesn’t just apply to providing condoms (which is essential), “It’s looking at surfaces and having products like Enviroclean which will help you clean down surfaces,” she says.
“It’s also good for people to bring towels, if they’re going to put their body on any surface or piece of furniture getting them to put a towel down first. Body fluids also include sweat, as well as other genital-based body fluids so you’ve got to consider that. People at sex parties have been known to rip a toy out of somebody and juices fly across the room.”
Koens notes that the most common problem encountered at sex parties is violation of consent, “People think they can just turn up and get involved in the scene, they get overexcited. Consent violations are definitely the main issue, people not understanding or not being educated.”
Josie, 40, has attended multiple orgies and attests that even the most experienced people can still slip up. “I’ve seen a veteran sex party-goer whip out a phone and start filming people having sex,” she says. “And they wonder why they got escorted out of the party and banned for life. It was the dumbest thing to do, and it was then hard for them because they went into a shame spiral rather than just properly apologizing to the people involved.”
Koens affirms that while in some cases – such as this – the dickhead knew better, not all cases of consent violation are the same. “You want to come at it from a place of kindness because not everyone who has a consent violation is a douchebag, they often just don’t know, they often think, ‘oh, great, it’s an orgy I can touch and do whatever I want’ and that’s not right.
She adds, “It’s ask before you touch, make sure you get consent and ensure you’re getting ongoing consent”.
One of the biggest misconceptions about orgies, she adds, is that people believe it to be a free-for-all. “They don’t realize they need to take into consideration, ‘what are my expectations for this and are they realistic? What are the rules of the party?’ You might have this expectation of having a wonderful time with all these people but if you come on your own and you’re not invited in, it might not go that way,” Koens explains.
She recommends for those thinking of having a party made up of largely inexperienced people that they go to a workshop run by existing organizations to learn before they try. Here, they’ll learn about consent, boundaries, negotiation, types of kink play and all the different facets involved in organizing an orgy. Because orgies are tough to nail.
Featured image via pexels.com.
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