When was the last time you had an earth-shatteringly good orgasm – the kind that gave you good bed hair; an all-day glow; and which may have scared the neighbours?
Like our own personal happiness, we all need to take responsibility for our sexual enjoyment – the onus is on you, not your partner, to truly learn what blows your hair back. So, how do we maximise our personal pleasure?
Sydney sexologist, Dr Michelle Mars (pictured), who specialises in the sociology of sex gender and sexual well-being, says there are fast and easy steps we can all take to get in the mood for hot sex.
- Heighten your awareness
We’re surrounded by sex all day, every day, in advertising, TV and multimedia, but how do we become more attuned to our turn-ons? “Once you are attuned to your own turn-ons, it becomes easier to discern what you really like, and in my experience, the scope of what you really like broadens,” Dr Mars says.
“Anything you see, read, or think about that is outside of what you think is okay, or what you would do, or that you think is a little risque is likely to be a turn-on. It has to be not too far over the borders, but just far enough to make you feel a little naughty/dirty/wrong. For example, nudity is a bit ho-hum for me, but if I get a glimpse of nakedness in a fashion magazine it often gives be a little sexual buzz.” Learn your sweet spots so you can go there quickly in your head.
- Practice makes perfect
Do you look and feel best in a gorgeous LBD and heels? Or does wearing super-sexy lingerie make you feel aroused? Find out what it is that makes you feel like a wanton sex goddess and buy it in every colour (okay, maybe not quite). By practising the art of feeling sexy, you’ll elevate your chances of hot sex. “Dress up in front of the mirror and find something you feel sexy in and you know looks good and keep it handy and slip it on when you want to have a good time, but you’re not quite in the mood,” Dr Mars says.
- Explore your horizons
The pursuit of great personal pleasure is a great excuse to learn new skills. Think you’re a sex ninja in the bedroom? Think again, says Dr Mars – we can all become better-skilled lovers, she says. “Go see someone like me and learn how to change the way your body works and the way you think about sex, learn a new skill,” Dr Mars says. “Or leave dumb Fifty Shades of Grey ideas about BDSM behind and learn how to spank someone so they like it.” You can also try a new technique in the bedroom to rock both yours and your partner’s socks off: if you’re usually passive, take charge, for example.
- Are you being served?
Do you and your partner need a change of pace, or what about a change of scene? Hot hotel sex could be just the ticket! There, you can role play; try something new – hello couples’ sex toys; or just bloodywell take some much-needed time out with your partner, sans kids, to enjoy each other’s company and engage in some wild sex! “Hotel sex is a great way to get in the mood for hot sex,” Dr Mars advises. “Plan it, spoil yourselves, buy each other a sexy present and drink champagne, although not too much!”
- Laughter is the best medicine
When did life get so serious? Remind yourselves of the carefree life you lived before kids and have sex in the great outdoors; go on a picnic, or watch a funny movie together. Laugh like a drain with your significant other and have good, old-fashioned fun and silly sex and you’ll both feel a damn sight happier for it. “Have a laugh; most of the time we’re way too serious,” Dr Mars says. “And, like anything, sex is much better if you’re relaxed.”
NB dear reader: Dr Mars is also quick to point out it’s vital to learn how to say no and take charge of sex if you stop enjoying it. In addition, never feel pressured to have sex or do it against your will – your body is your own sacred place, not someone else’s. Just say no.
Nicole is a Queensland-based writer and bona fide word nerd whose first love (apart from heels) is feature writing. Follow Nicole on Twitter.