The Top 5 Worst Ever Reasons To Have Sex

Daisy Cousens

Seriously, don’t do it.

Sex, not music, is the universal language. You’d be hard pressed to find anyone who’s not interested in it. There are so many reasons to do the horizontal tango; you’re in love, horny, celebrating, trying to have kids, whatever. In a perfect universe, people would do it all day, every day. I sure as hell would.

However, in the real world, there are other things to consider. The usual huha-blockers are often too much alcohol, he’s got a girlfriend/wife, he’s a distant in-law at your cousin’s wedding who you may or may not be related to but find unbearably attractive…*cough cough*…and so on. If those obstacles aren’t present, it’s generally all systems go.

But don’t be fooled; there are other reasons why you should probably give sex a miss that don’t necessarily occur to you in the heat of the moment. Reasons that are embarrassing, tedious, or downright bizarre. Here are my top five; may you learn from my mistakes.

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1. Revenge

Having revenge-sex is literally one of the most self-destructive things you can do. Whether it’s a cheating boyfriend or disloyal BFF, revenge-sex is like catching an Uber for the first time; confusing, nerve-wracking, and often doesn’t live up to the hype.

I once made the dreadful blunder of schtonking my (non-exclusive) then-flame’s best buddy because he broke the “don’t sleep with each other’s friends” rule. Two friendships and a super useful shag-buddy eliminated as a result. Use your lady-bits for good, not evil.

2. Boredom

A couple of years ago I was partying at a university college, and the night was winding down. Lots of people had left, but I had organized to crash with the host. A guy who’d been (unsuccessfully) tuning me all night, finally came right out with it, “Look, do you want to come back to my room and have sex?”

My first reaction was shock; nobody had ever been this blunt with me before. I nearly said no…but then I thought about it. I was bored, I was tired, I kinda wanted somewhere to lie down…why not?

Needless to say it was some of the worst lovemaking I’ve ever experienced. Not because he was bad in the sack; I was just so not into it I may as well have been in another time zone. There was zero chemistry from my end, which was as uninspiring as a wet sock. NEVER doing that again. For your own sake, neither should you.

3. To test whether you like him

Men are very sensitive. They pretend to be pillars of rationality, but beneath the facade is a 13-year-old girl crushing on Harry Styles. So if a guy likes you, and admits he likes you, but you’re not sure you’re feeling it…PLEASE don’t sleep with him. More often than not, you’ll feel just as lukewarm towards him afterwards. Plus you’ve led him on. Don’t be that girl.

4. To prove your womanhood

Sex is about expressing yourself, not proving yourself. Many women jump into bed because they think they have a reputation to live up to (guilty as charged), they don’t want to be prudish, or they feel it’s expected. None of this is true. Have sex because you want to, not because you think it’s a wasted opportunity if you say no.

5. To make him like you

Men aren’t like women. They react to sex differently (which is why humanity is inherently screwed up). The chemicals released in their brains post-coitus are vastly different from the ones released in ours, commonly known as the ‘cuddle hormones’. So sadly, the only person getting emotionally attached in this situation is you.

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Comment: Can you think of any other terrible reasons to hook up?