I Tried 6 Different Lubes. Here’s How They Stacked Up In The Sack.

February 4, 2018
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It was a slippery and satisfying few weeks… 

I absolutely love sex and am pretty much always up for a good ol’ romp.

Unfortunately, sometimes even if I really want it, my vagina doesn’t oblige as enthusiastically as I wish it would. I always get wet in the end, but if my boyfriend and I want to squeeze in a quicky before I head to work in the morning and there isn’t time for lots of foreplay, lube can really come in handy.

So, when the opportunity to try out several different kinds of lube came my way (pun intended), you’d better believe I snatched it up. I’d get to have fun, slippery sex with my SO, try new and exciting products, have another excuse to play with my toys (as if I needed it) and get paid to write about it?

Hey, it’s a hard job, but someone had to do it.

In the interest of maintaining  a vaguely scientific method, I set out to focus on factors including consistency, taste, smell, and comfort of each lube, as well as noting any other interesting little tidbits I came across in the few weeks I’d be trying them out.

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Not all lubes are created equal, and I was hell-bent on finding the best lube on the market…

1. Broad City ‘Mind My Vagina’ Water-based Lubricant 

lubes broad city

 

Review: My partner and I both thought this lube was fine. Just fine. There was nothing particularly memorable or interesting about it at all.

It was a tad thicker than other lubes I’ve tried and left a slightly sticky residue on the skin after it had been wiped away. It didn’t really have a smell or a taste, and worked well both for penetrative sex and being an effective accompaniment with my toys. It made everything satisfyingly slippery and was long-lasting like the bottle promised, so there was no need to reapply during sex, which can be a bit of a vibe-killer.

But unfortunately, it was unremarkable. Visually, the bottle looks too tacky to me (the tagline “Some high class sh*t” really bothered me for some reason), but I understand it’s trying to emulate the Broad City TV show so I’m not going to take points off for the label. It tasted fine, the texture was okay, and it assisted with sex how it was supposed to. Overall, especially with more unique lubes out there, this one just didn’t shine for me. In fact, when I was asking my boyfriend for his opinion on all of the lubes we tried, he completely forgot we used this one.

Rating: 2/5 Oh-My-Gods

Buy it here.

2. Pjur Woman Body Glide Silicone-based Lubricant

lube pjur bodyglide

Review: If you’re after an extremely slippery time, this is the lube for you. Pjur really seems to have a knack for making odorless, colorless and tasteless lubricants, which is great for couples who use lube often, aren’t after a gimmicky taste or sensation, and just want a pleasurable sexual experience.

This particular lube has a very slight plastic taste, which I figured was the silicone ingredient, but it wasn’t off-putting or deal-breaking. It was pretty runny in consistency, but this also wasn’t a bad thing. In terms of lubrication, this one blew it out of the park. It was spectacularly slippery, which made the sex easy, fun, and super satisfying. However, it left a really oily residue on my skin for ages, and everything I touched on my post-coital trek to the shower also had this slippery oil transferred to it. Oh, it also left a difficult to clean mess on the bedsheets, which was annoying.

Apart from the over-oily factor, I’d recommend this as an all-purpose lube. The silicone means it never dries up – which was likely why sex with this lube was so damn good – and my boyfriend discovered the oil on the skin after use assisted with giving a relaxing post-romp massage, so that was a nice little positive to counteract the messy issue I had with this lube. Even though I couldn’t use this lube with my sex toys because they’re all silicone, and combining the two can break down the coating on the toys, the mind-blowing sex sort of made this one gain a few extra brownie points.

Rating: 3/5 Oh-My-Gods

Buy it here.

3. System JO Gelato Creme Brulee Personal Lubricant

lube system jo creme brulee

Review: First thing’s first, I freaking love creme brulee. And gelato. And anything sweet, really. So this lube peaked my interest from the get-go. My boyfriend was particularly excited about the product’s suggestion to use this lube as a blow-job enhancer, because of, well, obvious reasons.

The bottle was visually appealing, and so I eagerly popped the top and took a whiff, expecting a sweet and delicious scent. Instead, I found something which smelt vaguely of dessert, but also sort of like a scented cleaning product. My partner said it reminded him of kids cough medicine, but my roommate – who I bought in as an impartial third party – loved the smell and thought it was perfectly creme brulee gelato scented. This just proves that you should never judge a lube on its smell alone.

Because, especially in this case, it was all about the taste. I had low expectations that the lube would taste good, and so I hesitantly dabbed a little on my finger and then licked it off, and holy crap it was amazing. Where a lot of flavored lubes in the past have got things oh-so-wrong, System Jo have absolutely nailed it. The formula tastes convincingly close to the custard and caramel dessert, and I was extremely eager to drizzle this on my partner and go to town.

But, all good things must have a downside, and after several minutes of tasting this stuff, it got a bit old and sickly. Would I use it again? Absolutely. Was it still delicious? For sure. Would I incorporate it into every BJ from here on out? Unlikely. I actually enjoy going down on my boyfriend without the extra bells and whistles, and while it tasted good, I wouldn’t exactly pour it into my mouth just to get more.

To get down to the nitty-gritty, the texture was pleasant and to my personal preference – not too runny, not tacky or sticky, nice and silky to the touch. – but the main thing this lube promises to be is tasty, and it delivers on that front satisfyingly well.

Rating: 4/5 Oh-My-Gods

Buy it here.

4. Fifty Shades of Grey Silky Caress Silk Lubricant

lube fifty shades of grey silky caress

Review: This silk-based lube is from the official Fifty Shades of Grey collection, and therefore, in my opinion, it should be perfect for sexual-based play because the people who buy it probably enjoy the sex-saturated series (I’m assuming).

The bottle pours easily, with a simple push spout, and the formula is about the same consistency as shampoo and is milky white in color. It’s a tad thicker than other lubes I’ve tried, but not tacky. We did have to reapply one or two drops during sex, though, because it dried out a little – as water-based lubes often do – but it never turned gross and sticky, which was a plus.

Unfortunately, this lube really fell down on the taste front. I know it’s not technically meant for this purpose, but my boyfriend and I ultimately want a lube which can be applied for oral and penetrative sex, and the Fifty Shades silk lubricant let us down. After all, its namesake series is known for being kinky and steamy, and so I believe it should be better equipped to handle most of our sexual desires – and “not making my bits taste terrible” isn’t really that much to ask. The taste was extremely bitter and very chemical – and it’s not particularly confidence-boosting to hear your partner say “Urgh, gross” when they’re between your thighs…

All in all, though, this lube was perfectly suited to penetrative or toy-based play; I just wouldn’t go pouring it on your lover’s genitals before you put your mouth on them, unless you enjoy the taste of a science lab.

Rating: 2/5 Oh-My-Gods

Buy it here.

5. Pjur Med Vegan Glide Water-based Lubricant

lube pjur med vegan glide

Review: If you’re after a lube which doesn’t feel like a lube, this would be my ultimate recommendation. The packaging isn’t very exciting and looks a bit clinical, but I wouldn’t say that’s a bad thing. I’d honestly prefer something which looks like this than a gimmicky one. It’s a bit annoying to pour – you have to tip it upside down and squeeze your desired amount out of a tiny hole – but this is where my negatives with this product end.

There is absolutely zero smell to this water-based lube, barely any taste, and it’s clear in color. In my opinion, it’s also the perfect consistency – slippery and smooth, but not runny. It wasn’t sticky, and after wiping it away with just a tissue, there was no residue or really any sign at all that anything had been on my hands or body, which is fantastic if you’re prone to a quicky before ducking out the door and don’t have time for a shower, like myself.

In fact, I’d sum the Pjur Med Vegan Glide lubricant up as the closest thing to the real thing. It proved basically indistinguishable from my natural lubrication, and if anything, a little bit better. I even used it with my boyfriend once without him knowing I’d be using lube, and he didn’t notice. The sex was amazing and he just assumed it was all me. (I’m very sneaky like that.)

It’s also pH-balanced, so totally safe to insert into the va-jay-jay, and to use with condoms, so it’s a win, win, win from me.

Rating: 5/5 Oh-My-Gods

Buy it here.

6. Sensuva Erosence Insane Ultra Warming Arousal Glide

lube sensuva ultra warming

Review: The first thing I’ll tell you about this lube is it definitely has an obvious scent. I poured some onto my fingers and actually verbally made a “whoa” noise out loud as my nose screwed up and my head recoiled. I can see what they were going for here, attempting a sweet-and-sour smell akin to kids’ cherry-flavored chapstick or lipgloss, but they sort of missed the mark. The smell was not pleasant; very chemical, and so strong it somehow filled the entire room.

The actual lube itself is a sort of milky pink color, quite runny, and because of the strong scent, I was reluctant to spill it anywhere, so was careful to ensure it didn’t run off my hands and onto the bed. On the positive front, it’s a hybrid between a water and a silicone lube and has no glycerin, parabens or menthol in the formula, and is also vegan and gluten-free.

The bottle promises to be unlike any stimulating lubricant you’ve ever used before, with an “intense heat” and the “feeling of movement inside the body”, which honestly, sounded terrifying to me; I’m generally reluctant to put any kind of flavored lube inside my vagina because they can cause yeast infections, but this particular one pretty much needed to be inserted in order for me to test the “intense heat” and freaky “internal movement” claims the bottle touted. So in the interests of sexual science, I slipped some of the lube inside me.

Everyone with a vagina will be familiar with the painful burning sensation which occurs when something which definitely isn’t meant to be on or in your pink bits gets there. And that was exactly what occurred as soon as I put this stuff inside me. My vagina more or less screamed at me to get it out, right now. If there was a “movement sensation” inside me, I was too preoccupied with the burning of my lips to notice it. When my boyfriend asked me “So, how is it?”, as if somehow having lapsed into a coma during the part of sex where I visibly shuddered as the lube took effect, I stared at him with crazy, wide eyes and repeated “This is not good” until the burning subsided, which was actually pretty quickly (thank goodness) considering the bottle claims it’s long-lasting.

I will note, however, that while I’d never put this stuff inside me ever again, it actually did feel pretty good on my clitoris, and did cause arousal. But I couldn’t do anything about this turned-on feeling because I desperately wanted this stuff out of me, pronto, and so I ignored my clit and had a shower instead.

Maybe intense heat on my bits just isn’t my particular forte, and someone out there would enjoy the sensations this lube gives. I can sort of see how some people might be interested in it, but for me, this was an absolute and resounding no. My partner would also not put his penis anywhere near this stuff after seeing my reaction, as he didn’t want, and I quote, his “dick to burn up”. I don’t blame him.

Rating: 1/5 Oh-My-Gods

Buy it here.

Comment: What’s the best (or worst!)  personal lubricant you’ve ever used?

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