The Honesty Factor: Why Do We Lie When We Just Want Sex?
Let’s stop making casual sex taboo, mmkay?
I’d found myself in an online date’s bedroom after dinner one night. He was asking if I considered myself the submissive when it came to sex, all whilst showing me the 50 Shades style bondage goods that lived in his bottom drawer; anal beads included.
You’d think this would be the start of a ‘My Wildest One Night Stand’ story, but actually, it was a date with a guy apparently wanting to fall in love.
To preface, we met on Tinder – the place DTF singles congregate, and my personal preference of all the dating apps, as a sex-positive gal myself. To ensure we’re on the same page, I usually initiate a conversation asking a prospective date what they’re looking for, but to my surprise, on this occasion, it was the guy doing the asking. He informed me it was important for him to know, because he was looking for love; in his own words, “A monogamous committed relationship”. I was impressed.
Chit-chat ensued and dinner plans were penciled in. And although I’d jumped into a big investment date without properly screening the guy, I had a good feeling.
Though that feeling quickly faded when a raging boner overtook my phone screen, (apparently he missed the memo that one hundred per cent of women detest unsolicited dick pics) followed by, what was quite clearly his archived collection of nudes… and a text asking me to rank them in order of my faves. What unfolded was one of those situations where his actions definitely screamed louder than his initial words. This guy was clearly only here to get into my pants. And my horniness eventually gave in to his advances.
Fairly unshockingly, Mr I’m-so-ready-for-committment was nowhere to be seen once the deed was done.
So, what was with all the initial pretence?
I’ve always been very upfront about what I want with men, whether it’s sex, or something more serious; we’re all adults here. I couldn’t work out why this guy could be bothered lying about wanting a monogamous relationship.
What made him feel the need to say the words every commitment-seeking girl dreams to hear when he was in fact after a good time, rather than a long time? Was he just a fuckboy in disguise, trying to play me? You know, the kind of guy who knows how to say all the right things, sees girls as sex machines and inserts kindness coins in the way of compliments until sex falls out? You think you’ve stumbled upon a unicorn because he’s perfect and next minute, *poof*, he’s gone!
Or was Mr 50 Shades Drawer just testing the waters with that first dick pic, to gauge my reaction? Maybe he was worried if he candidly stated that he was on Tinder just for sex I’d bail and judge him? Potentially he’d been bruised from previous Tinder girls who weren’t as open to the idea of a casual affair as I was.
I’ve witnessed firsthand the judgment from society when you’re sexually empowered and open about it. In the past, I’ve been upfront about wanting no-strings sex only to have men slut-shame me and inform me they could never respect someone that freely gave up sex. (*Insert DGAF eye roll here*) I thought those outdated beliefs belonged in the 1950s, but obviously, I was wrong.
We still have it drilled into us that we all should want a marriage, mortgage, and a couple of children to define us. For the longest time, it’s been a societal belief that if you had all of the above, you were successful. But in the era of openly childfree and casual-sex-embracing women, aren’t we beyond this already?!
Although I think society is changing, there will always be judgemental people that see one night stands as a reflection for your apparent self-worth. And there will always be people to lie to get in your pants and others who feel shame for admitting they just want sex. I don’t know the answer, and unfortunately for us, there isn’t a flow-chart style survey to keep in our back pocket to work it out either.
I’ve learned that regardless of the words that leave someone’s mouth, it always pays to observe to their actions instead; especially if said person is telling you he wants a wife while opening up his drawer full of anal beads the first time you meet. Then it should be a dead giveaway.
Images via tumblr.com, pinterest.com and tenor.com.
Comment: Do you go by someone’s actions instead of their words when it comes to dating?
Peta Serras is a model and SHESAID’s dating expert who’s willing to go on as many bad Tinder dates as she needs to in order to find the perfect guy. In her spare time she loves drinking coffee, eating almond croissants and spending lots of money. Follow Peta on Twitter and Facebook.