Because there are few things worse than thinking “Oh God, why haven’t I come yet??” mid-coitus.
Sex in the movies is a lot different than sex in real life.
We know this, and yet often, we still expect certain things to happen the way they happen onscreen. For example, that we’ll have amazing simultaneous orgasms with our partners, with no one gritting their teeth and wishing the other one would hurry up and be done already, or feeling guilty for taking so long to finish.
Even though sex is about more than just climaxing, for many of us, it feels like it doesn’t quite ‘count’ unless both partners come – and this puts a lot of pressure on both people. Men feel like they’re not doing their job unless they can bring their partner to orgasm, and women feel bad when it takes them a long time to come, or when they can’t come at all.
Many of us may wonder, what exactly is normal, anyway? Is everyone else except us getting off quickly and easily, within roughly the same time frame as each other? Or are we all having the same frustrations and feeling like we’re not quite doing it right? And, why is it so hard to have an orgasm during intercourse, anyway?
No really, you first
Raise your hand if you’ve had sex with a man who was finished before you were even sure he was really inside you. We’ve all been with that guy – the guy who lasts three pumps, tops, and expects you to have had a good time in those 30 seconds. But even when we’re with a loving, attentive partner who tries to do all the right things to make us feel good, sometimes it’s just not happening. This can even feel worse, in a way, because he’s trying so hard that it makes us feel terrible, like there’s something wrong with us.
It might be reassuring to know that while the average man is able to reach orgasm in less than five minutes, most women take at least 20 minutes to reach the big O. So there’s nothing wrong with you if it takes you a while: it’s just biology. The key is finding ways to make him last longer, rather than putting pressure on yourself to come faster. In other words, the question shouldn’t be, why does is take women so long to come, but rather, why do men come so quickly?
This could take a while – and that’s okay
Sex therapists have a few tried-and-true methods to slow your man down; if you need time to catch up, try giving him a time-out so you can both reach orgasm without anyone looking at the clock. One way to do this is to have him pull out before he’s close to coming and spend some time focusing on your clit. The clitoris, for most women, is still the holy grail when it comes to orgasm; only 20-25 per cent of women can have an orgasm without direct clitoral stimulation. So have your man play with your clit until you’re almost ready to come; he can use his tongue, his fingers (with lots of lube!) or even the head of his penis to drive you to the edge.
Good positions for orgasm are woman-on-top, so you’re in control, doggy style, so he can reach around and play with your clit, and good old missionary position with a pillow under your hips to put you at a nice angle where your clit rubs against his pubic bone. Play around to find the right position for you – and definitely add some fun sex toys to the mix, as well. Using a vibrator to stimulate your clit while he’s inside you can lead to a mind-blowing orgasm like you’ve never had before.
SHESAID’s editor, Nadia, explains why many women struggle with reaching orgasm…
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It’s about the journey, not the destination
Sex toys and time-outs aside, it’s important not to get too hung up on the role of orgasm in your sex life. Sure, orgasms are amazing – but let’s be honest: you can have them by yourself. Sex with a partner is a whole different ball game. It’s about intimacy, honesty, and great communication. That’s what makes sex hot, not being able to get each other off quickly and efficiently. An orgasm lasts a few seconds; that’s only a fraction of the time you’re having sex. So, focus on the rest of the time. What’s the best part of sex for you? Gazing moonily into each other’s eyes? Coming up with a fun role-playing scenario and acting our each other’s fantasies? Exploring every nook and cranny of his body with your fingers and tongue, and letting him do the same to you?
If you’re feeling like the pressure to have an orgasm is causing problems in your relationship, find a time to sit and talk with your partner about it. Opening up a dialogue might feel awkward at first, but if this is a person you’re comfortable getting naked with, you need to be able to talk honestly. If you’re in a long-term relationship, there’s a lot at stake: having bad sex can lead to having no sex, and not having sex can mean your relationship is headed for the graveyard. Once you’re talking, it won’t seem so bad; it might even turn you both on so much that you’ll end up hopping into bed to try out a few new moves. And anyway, if your sex life is stressing you out, then you have nothing to lose – and only better sex to gain.
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Comment: Do you feel pressure to reach orgasm within a certain amount of time?
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